How to make small talk with stepmoms
Jul 28th, 2008 by Jill
I have deer-in-the-headlight moments when meeting people with step-situations, too. Yesterday I met someone with a similar — but different — family set-up, and I couldn’t think of how to keep the conversation going. I found myself sitting there smiling blankly while thinking up things to say and then ruling them out because I couldn’t be sure I wouldn’t accidentally go in a very painful-for-them direction. Gah!
I get it. It’s just not a situation most people are prepared for. You’re on the spot. You’ve got to do some fancy social footwork on the fly and without a safe script. There are so many ways to put your foot in your mouth or to verbally poke someone in an under the surface gaping wound. So, to help all the stepmoms mingling in kid-centered situations, and to help all the lovely people who meet them, I thought I’d start a list of things to say to keep the conversation going when meeting a stepmom in your wider community circle (not in your family) for the first time.
The easy stuff:
- “How many kids or stepkids do you have?”
- “How old are they?” [Then talk about that age in general for kids. "That's a great age. They're so much fun at that age." "Wow! That's a challenging age! How's it going?"]
- Say something complimentary about her stepkids, if you know them. ["Joe is a great team player." "Jane was so articulate during her presentation on what it takes to become a veterinarian. She's so confident. That's really wonderful. It was a great presentation."]
- Say something pleasant or appreciative about your kid’s relationship with her stepkid, if they have one. ["Robert loves playing soccer/Monopoly/Rock Band with Joe." "Marissa tells me she and Julie spend a lot of time at school drawing together."]
- Talk about the event. ["The music this year is great/funny/interesting/so strange!" "The other team is really strong -- they're giving us run for our money."]
- Talk about the community group. ["What do you think of the new coach?" "How does Christine like her class this year?"]
Bonus points:
- If she’s new to the school/community group, introduce her to a few other people.
- If there’s a sitting down portion of the event, invite her to sit with you, or if you see her — or her and her husband — sitting alone, ask if you can join her or them.
- If there’s an organized activity part of the event, ask her if she would like to join your group.
- Next time you run into her, smile and say hi.
A little bit trickier, but potentially good stuff (use your judgement):
- Jokingly say, “Stepmom! So, you get all the responsibility that comes with parenting and none of the recognition!” This gives her a chance to laugh and tell you that it’s not really like that — how much she loves the kids and how great the kids’ mom and dad both are, but yeah, at events like this stepmoms sometimes feel kind of invisible or awkward — or it gives her a chance to say, “Yeah, it feels kind of like that sometimes!” Either way she feels seen, visible, understood and appreciated. The elephant in the room — the thing that makes people smile blankly while trying to think of things to say — gets touched on in a light way. But it also opens up the door for her to talk about potentially painful stuff in her experience. You might move from small talk to serious talk. One problem with this is that you might alienate the mom a little, if she’s in the community group, too, and she’s sensitive to this kind of joking. If you think that’s a possibility, I wouldn’t recommend going with this one.
- Ask her how long she’s been a stepmom. If she seems grateful or pleased at the chance to tell you, ask her how it’s going or what it’s like. Don’t stick too long on this if you’ve just met her, though. If she doesn’t seem too into answering the “how long” question, move back to saying something nice about her stepkid and then just talk about the event or group or venue.
- If you had a stepmom who you loved, or you know someone who does, or if you have any similar warm, fuzzy stepmom validation nugget — tell her. ["My friend Joy had a stepmom when she was growing up. She says it was really great to have that extra love in her life." "My cousin had a stepmom. When I was a kid, I'd go over and play and she'd play Chutes and Ladders with us. It was cool. I have good memories of that."]
For the easy small talk, focus on the kids and the venue. For the trickier stuff, gently provide a little bit of conversational space for her to talk in a casual way about being a stepmom, or say nice things about stepmoms in general.
Love this except for one quibble: I would leave out the “Jokingly say… ” approach. As we all know (from reading our books on shadow), negative “jokes” are usually anything but. Just as you (Jill) won’t let me (Kathy) make nasty little jokes at my own expense, I would leave even that little bit of negativity out of the airwaves. Starting off with a “boy, that sucks” comment could easily turn into a self-pity fest, on both sides, that would be completely against what you’re trying to do so magnificently in the rest of your suggestions.
As an alternative, if you get that she really needs an attentive ear and doesn’t know where to start, I suggest active listening — really paying attention to the vibe and trying to “get” where she is with her situation. If she sounds like she’s getting the short end of the step-stick, you can say “wow, sounds like you’re feeling overwhelmed…” or “sounds like you’re feeling kind of lonely,” or whatever you think you’re picking up. She’ll either clarify or start opening up. Don’t try to fix it or go into solution-mode or make it all about you. Just listening is the best thing you can do.
All of your suggestions are awesome. As are you! Mucho kudos.
Someone said that to me once with a twinkle in their eye — it was someone outside our social group — and it was a door opener. It was immediate permission to talk about being a stepmom — something that usually seems to make lots of people uncomfortable. It was “I see you as a person — as a nurturing woman — not as scary cartoon character.” And it was also, “I see you, and I’ve heard about what that role feels like.” I felt seen — really seen. I think the twinkle made all the difference. Said without the twinkle it wouldn’t have been the same at all. And it was a door to say, “No, no. It’s not like that!” and to talk more. Because it’s not like that between us — you and me — but it is like that for me sometimes in the wider world. And it’s immensely comforting to have someone crack open the door to the subject in a light way — not to dwell on it, but just to say, “Oh, yeah, I’ve heard about that.” When it’s a twinkle-in-the-eye joke, I see it as a door I can go through or not — an indirect invitation to talk more and to say, “It’s not quite like that, it’s like this…” — and it’s an invitation I can accept or not without anyone feeling awkward or overwhelmed or rejected either way.
Jill, appreciate your insights.
People like you make this world liveable. You as a stepmom just reinforces the treasure you are.
I among others patiently wait for the return of your office hours.
Until then, we await your next posting.
Thanks, Mike!
Jill,
I really like your suggestions. Thank you very much for giving some “answers”. Sometimes it is like pulling teeth to find out what another person needs. You put it in a very simple way. I do agree with Kathy a little on the “jokingly”… It just depends on the person. Someone who is as enlightened and positive about their sitation as you are would handle it just fine, but those on the fence may go the pitty route… My biggest fear would be a response of “yes that is exactly how it is”… and then my happy go lucky day and conversation turns in to… Yikes:)
Thank you for giving me hope.
Amy
This is really helpful. I like this.
It helped me think about how to have conversations in general when I’m not quite sure what’s okay to talk about.
Very insightful.