Stepmom blues
Jul 23rd, 2008 by Jill
The people who know Kathy best in the world tend to be pretty nice to me. They seem to like me, accept me and welcome me. And I love that. And I love them for that. And plus, I just like them. Kathy has great friends.
The people who know Kathy more than they know me, but who are maybe more casual friends or less often in touch friends or friendly acquaintances — those people seem a little more wary. And it’s weird for me. I’m not used to having people’s first reaction to meeting me be wariness. I’m not used to the unconscious immediate shape other people sense around me being one that looks a little dangerous or menacing or scary or hurtful.
And when I meet people who don’t know Kathy, if I mention that I’m a stepmom (if it seems relevant — say I’m meeting them at a school event or outside a music lesson, for example), the reaction is usually the same. Wariness. People get suddenly quiet. They look uncomfortable. They look away. The conversation ends abruptly.
It’s not the same if I leave the stepmom part out. It’s not the same at all. If I leave the stepmom part out, small talk is no problem. People I’ve just met look open and interested. We find things we have in common. We usually part with smiles and friendly ideas about each other, whether or not we ever plan to run into each other again or think we’d make good friends.
Whhhyyyyyyyyyyy????????????
Maybe it’s because people don’t know what to say. Maybe they feel like I’m laying something heavy on them when we’re barely acquaintances. Maybe there’s no safe, standard, conversation building small-talk response. (If that’s the case, maybe we should invent some.) Maybe they’re afraid of wandering into the middle of an extended stepfamily minefield. (”If I’m friendly with the stepmom, that might make the mom mad or hurt or uncomfortable. People might get unpleasantly emotional. I barely know anyone here myself and don’t want to start off in the middle of a fight. I don’t even know the mom or the dad or the situation. I don’t want to take sides.” That sort of thing.) Maybe it’s that I represent something scary: divorce, moving on, remarriage, and then having to share children with an adult you didn’t pick. Who wants to think about that? Any of it? I wouldn’t either. It’s horrifying in the abstract. It’s not so horrifying in real life. And that’s scary, too, in and of itself. And here I am, an in-the-flesh representative of it. I might look away and end a conversation abruptly, too, in other shoes. I might not be able to think of anything to say, either.
Sometimes I feel really lonely. And hypersensitive. And a little scared. Around mommy bloggers. And at some real-life school events. I hate feeling rejected or left out or invisible or shunned or radioactive.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t always feel that way. People can be surprising and warm and welcoming. But I do feel this way much more in woman-centered and kid-centered events than I did before I became a stepmom. Men don’t particularly seem to care, which is wonderful, but not that helpful. I’m not usually looking for a bunch of new guy friends. I’m usually looking to connect with other women — the mommies (married, divorced, remarried — you name it), the stepmoms, the aunties — the women with kids in their lives.
What to do about it? Well, the only thing I can think of right now is to resolve that when I’m out and about, I will not see scary shapes and blind spots too uncomfortable to focus on. I will see people. I can try not to pass this particular kind of pain on. Not by being a do-gooder, but by trying to see people as people — not as scary symbols — much more often. And when I’m feeling it myself, I’ll try to get my mind off myself by looking for anyone else who might be feeling it for other reasons and see if I can strike up a little human-to-human connection — even if it’s just eye-contact, or a friendly smile (if it’s real), or small talk. When I’m feeling that particular kind of pain, I can try to use it as a prompt override my hide-and-melt tendencies and reach out in a way that might help me and someone else, too.
The other thing I’ll do (hey that’s two things!) is that I’ll love the heck out of the people who interact with me primarily in my stepmom role, but who still see me instead of a scary blurry spot. Like Kathy’s friends, for starters.
What else to do about it? I’m not sure yet. I want to be able to introduce myself as a stepmom and have the conversation keep growing and expanding and bubbling along in the comfortable way it would if I had been a mom or an aunt or a godparent — or just silent about what I really was — instead.
wear a sign. like a sandwich board. “i’m a stepmom. we all get along. we’re more than fine with it. and i don’t care what you think.”
though…wearing a sign saying you don’t care what anyone thinks, you might bring more attention to it.
have you thought of a far out hat or something? maybe dye your hair hot pink. go out in public with your bra outside your shirt? the stepmom thing won’t even register. they’ll be staring at your undies.
I love the pink hair idea! I’ve always wanted a wig…
Or maybe I should get a sandwich board that says, “I’m a stepmom. We all get along. We’re all fine with it. I desperately want to be talked to and accepted and included in the mommy groups.”
Jill,
A poll of what the ‘Waries’ say: ‘The real parents know their kid best, from day one.’ ‘Stepparents are usually interlopers.’ ‘There’s a difference between parenting and duty.’ This last one I remember well: it came after a day of hunting for soccer cleats, wrangling with the teacher, shopping for a gift for my stepdaughter to bring to a birthday party, etc. Blah.
Thanks for your post. As a newish stepmom, I can relate. I’ve been to games (as chauffeur, water-girl, cheering squad) and been treated as the untouchable by moms after saying the “s” word; talked to other parents about being parents and been puffed at; talked to other parents about things-not-having-to-do-with-kids and been met with wariness anyway. Which is not the whole story, but a part of it, for sure. I’ve even boldly asked–in a sort of brassy way when the mood struck–what’s the deal? And sometimes I’ve even gotten responses. Now there’s a conversation!
And nonetheless, these were all starting places [not barbs, not barbs, not barbs] for conversation, understanding… I don’t know.
Jill, I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, and I, along with most stepmoms (if not all) can absolutely empathize. My question is, when did the title of ’stepmom’ become the definition of who we are as people? Is it because for women, the mother role is perceived to be the end all be all of womanhood? If that is the case, which in some instances I suspect it is, I find that terribly limiting to our gender, and goes against what so many women fought for, like Steinem and beyond. Kathy is certainly not that woman, and I believe it facilitated your friendship. There’s more to her than just motherhood. Perhaps is it that as stepmoms, we threaten the title of motherhood for those who identify themselves solely as mothers? And about the fear that you wrote in your post; it’s a misguided fear unfortunately. We shouldn’t represent divorce, moving on, sharing children, and we certainly shouldn’t be scary. We represent the opposite. In many instances, we’ve picked up the pieces, we’ve healed hurts, mended hearts, and taken on the herculean task of keeping a broken family together, while facing unfair judgements, biases, and our own hurts, AND trying to make our own marriages work. We shouldn’t be feared. We should be thanked, over and over again. I apologize for going on, but I’m upset about the subject. I hope you feel better.
Hi Jill,
If it helps any. I am a BM who gets treated the same way:( I think people just have a hard time with anything that is different. I am not a Solo parent, but I am a single parent and I am having a really hard time connecting with families in my new neighborhood. I feel like the women look at me like some kind of husband stealer and that divorced woman across the street…ick! They wave at me sometimes when I wave to them, but it is very obvious when all the other fmailies get together and we are not invited:( For starters the last thing I am is a husband stealer, I am just a hard working very involved single mom. My son’s father lives down the street with his new wife and new baby and I was recently at an event and the couple next to me were talking about our son (they used to live next to them) and I said his name is Ryan… I am his mom, and that awkward silence fell over the gym… again… ick!
I grew up in this town and people look at me with pitty and it is always awkward conversation or no conversation…
WHY!!!???? is the right question to ask. It would be so nice to be able to just see people as people and not by some title or position in life. I am so sorry you have to feel that way…. ick!
Unfortunately we have a long way to go… one neighborhood at a time:)
Amy
Hi Jill,
Well, this mommy “blogger” (podcaster really) welcomes and values you and what you do! By having the conversation, the blog, the podcast, we are breaking down the taboos long associated with DIVORCE. It is an icky subject for people and change happens one conversation at a time….
You know… I just realized I have two additional taglines I use a lot and it sucks that I have to do it.
1. Yes, we are divorced but he’s a GREAT dad!
and
2. Yes, I’m their stepmother but they live with me full time.
I always feel like I have to add those because I don’t want to diminish the fact that THE EX is an involved parent and I hate having to explain why I (the stepmom) am doing all the parenting.
I don’t know why I can’t just leave it at “I’m the stepmom.” and life be okay.
-d
I’ve said before that it seems like many times people base their own values and ideas about stepmoms from their past experiences. Maybe they had a mean stepmom? Maybe they knew an uninvolved stepmom? Etc. It’s too bad everyone can’t be openminded and ok with it all. I’ve had the same reactions where I at times have felt the need to justify. I am the stepmom, yes. I like their mom, yes. This is a good thing for our family, yes. Instead of feeling like negative assumptions and thoughts are running through their minds. Great post Jill, good thinking words and ideas.
Jill, i’ve only you met you once. The 15 min we shared together was positive & you definitely were helpful.
If you had then disclosed to me that you were a stepmom, my opinion of you wouldn’t have been any less positive. Actually, it would have perked my interest in you. I would have wanted to talk even more with you.
Are these initial negative responses to you overwhelmingly from women?
Ultimately, we can’t determine how others will respond to us. We just be the best person we can be and let other peoples responses fall where they fall.
Jill, you are one good woman!
I suspect some of these preconceived notions were preconceived very long ago. You used the phrase, “people…as scary symbols” and it sparked a thought of Cinderella’s cruel stepmother and ugly stepsisters: archetypal characters from fairy tales; old stereotypes so embedded in our thinking we don’t even know we’re thinking of them; ancient memes that should be dead, alive in our collective psyche.
As Amy said, unfortunately we have a long way to go, especially when such thoughts are so deeply ingrained.
I wish I had solutions to offer. I only know that you, Kathy, G and the children are living your own solution.
Hi Mike, thanks! Yeah, it’s usually at kid-oriented events, mostly with moms. Men don’t usually seem to care one way or the other — it doesn’t seem to phase them.
Hi Amy, that is really enlightening! I did not know that single moms get the weird outsider vibe, too. That puts things in an interesting light.
“We shouldn’t be feared. We should be thanked, over and over again.” — Amen, lucky13! High five.
Thanks for your comments everybody.
Dear Jill,
Thank you for giving voice to so many of the things I feel in the presence of others. My stepdaughter actually calls me mommy, which eliminates most of those awkward pauses you spoke of. However, when it is discovered that I’m actually the stepmother, the green monster slips in and sucks the oxygen out of the room. Teachers, coaches, and others don’t seem to know what to say. I act like a mother, I sound like a mother, but am I “the mother” seems to be the question running through their mind.
My husband and I never asked his daughter to call me mommy and he has never referred to me with that title to her, which made her decision all that more endearing. What I want most to happen is for the rest of the world to see the maturity in my “daughter’s” choice and begin seeing all mothers, step and otherwise, as just mothers. After all, we are working for the same goal – happy, loved, well adjusted children. Wouldn’t it be easier is we could work together.