Me and dogs
Mar 20th, 2008 by Jill
On our “About” page, I wrote that I don’t like dogs. I think that’s changing.
I have not been a dog person for most of my life. Dogs invaded my personal space, and I didn’t know what to do about it. They wanted to touch me and jump on me and put spit on me and rub their wet noses on me and follow me around.
I realize this doesn’t make me sound like a very warm person. And I’m not a very warm person all of the time. I’m not Mister Rogers, by any stretch of the imagination. I vacillate between being warm and cold, I think. When I feel like I have the space I need, it’s easy to love and understand and give. When I feel flooded, I shut down and pull away. And dogs flooded me. So did lots of people.
The thing is, I think I’m starting to change a little. I’m starting to learn how to navigate the kind of closeness and contact that comes with dogs. I’ve been watching a lot of The Dog Whisperer. But I’ve also been learning from my family. Before I became a part of this extended stepfamily, things either worked in my friendships or relationships or they didn’t. There wasn’t grey space. I didn’t know how to push back without just leaving the relationship. I didn’t know how to navigate differences. I had a few, close, very careful friendships with people who understood and got me, and who let me be who I was without much pushing — and I was very shy. I spent a lot of time by myself. One of the things I’ve learned from this family is how to say, “I love you, but I don’t like this particular way things are happening.” One of the things I’ve learned is how to love and push back at the same time. And how to let other people push back. How to give in sometimes without being a doormat all the time. How to speak up when something bugs me. How to listen when I’m bugging someone else. How to negotiate the details of relationships without running away from or giving up on the relationship itself. Or on what I really need. I guess what I’m learning is how to be close to people who are different from me.
I think I didn’t like dogs before because if they came into my space, they overwhelmed me. It was all or nothing. I couldn’t handle “all” so I went for “nothing.” I feel like I’m learning how to move around in the space between all and nothing these days — with dogs and people. It feels good.
I think we can learn so much from our dogs. (really).
Very well said! I think you just described the process of life–the give and take.
Good insight into your own growth! I think when we are younger it is easier to be an all or nothing thinker and write people or situations off because they aren’t the ideal. As we get older and experience more life, we realize that things are complex and that “all or nothing” limits our options. We learn what we can compromise and what we can’t.
Dogs can teach us a lot about setting clear and firm boundaries. Of course, just like people some breeds are more stubborn than others, but even the most stubborn will eventually respond to consistent feedback. How often do we forget to tell people what works for us or doesn’t work and find ourselves irritated? Of course our relationship with people are much more complicated than with dogs but we can sometimes build our skills with animals that can help us dealing with the humans in our life.
Okay, Jill. You’ve GOT to read this. Then write me and tell me it didn’t make you cry.
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/04/16/fashion/sundaystyles/16love.html?sq=modern%20love%20dog%20stepson&st=nyt&scp=1&pagewanted=all
I loved it. That was really good.