Some non-scary reasons the moms and stepmoms in our lives might be reading our blogs
Feb 26th, 2008 by Jill
Back in the early days when Kathy and I weren’t getting along, I read her blog a lot. A lot. And her book, too.
A stepmom blogger recently found from watching her blog stats that her stepkids’ mom was reading her blog, and that she was visiting the blogs of the stepmoms she linked to. It looked like she was following every thread of every discussion in minute detail.
I can imagine it might feel a little bit like being watched by the all-seeing eye of Sauron. Especially if things aren’t good between houses. But it also makes me think about why I read Kathy’s blog so much during those dark days. It was never to intimidate or scare her. It didn’t even occur to me that me reading her blog could have that effect on her. I was more concerned that she’d think I was a big lame loser, hanging around so much reading her every word.
I was trying to understand her. I really, really didn’t understand. Who was this other person who suddenly had such a deep reach into my personal life? I was scared of her. But I also wanted to know who she was and what she wanted. I didn’t get it. It was really important to me. And I was scared to show up in person and try to find out. Really scared. (Of course, this seems pretty silly in hindsight. But then, I had less information, less experience with difficult conversations, I didn’t know Kathy, the kids, G or even myself as well as I do now, and I was kind of afraid of my own shadow in stepfamily situations.)
One day, I don’t know how, I realized that I would never get the answers to my questions by reading her blog. I was still curious about who she was, what was important to her, and what she thought in general, but I would never figure out what to do just by reading her blog. Even when she wrote about stuff between our houses — which was really rare — the answers I needed weren’t there, or her descriptions of the problems didn’t match my understanding of them. I just stopped looking for answers from her writing. I was still interested in who she was, but I stopped thinking she would drop the one hint I needed to unlock the situation in her blog.
Months later, as I finally started working on changing myself — as kind of a last resort — I started to see that the answers I was looking for weren’t in her blog because they were in a quiet, still place inside of me. The number one answer was this: I have to listen to my conscience carefully and act right away on what it tells me. I have to make this my number one priority in life. I can never be happy if I don’t do this. It has to be a life long discipline. I will fall off the wagon a lot, but I need to pick myself up, dust myself off and start over every time I find I’ve stopped. This is the only way for me to be happy in my stepfamily and in my life. I do not answer primarily to G. I do not answer primarily to the kids. I do not answer primarily to Kathy. I do not answer primarily to any outside observer. First and foremost, I answer to my conscience. This was devastating and beautiful. I was undone. I was liberated.
All of a sudden, it did not matter what she thought of me. It mattered what I thought of me. That changed everything.
And when everything changed, I knew — from getting to know her through her blog — what kind of card to pick out for her to start to making amends. I picked out something that I liked, and that I thought from reading her work that she would like, too.
* * * * *
So, why might the moms or stepmoms in our lives be reading our blogs? Here’s what I think:
- To learn more about us in a non-scary way.
- To try to understand the mom or stepmom mentality, challenges, frustrations, hopes, dreams, and maybe blind spots.
- Because it’s really hard not to listen in if we discover someone else talking about us in public. Even if our names have been changed.
- To find out what we really think of them and the situation.
- To try to figure out if we’re trying to hurt them.
Here’s what I think: the internet is public space. What we write on it is public, just like a published book. Unless we’re writing in password-protected internet space, it’s okay if anyone — including a mom or stepmom in our lives — reads it as much as they want to. It sounded like — maybe I misunderstood, but it sounded like this same stepmom had reason to think that her stepkids’ mom was leaving comments in the stepmom’s name. If so, that’s not cool. But reading and commenting under our own names or pseudonyms — or reading and not commenting — that seems fine to me. It seems reasonable. It seems like a normal reaction to finding a public blog about the exact problem we’re enmeshed in written from the other person’s perspective.
You took the words right out of my mouth. If a blog is public it’s pretty much an open invitation to anyone and people’s reasons for reading/lurking etc are their own. Well said, Jill.
You make good points, Jill.
I just finished reading “The Anatomy of Peace” today and found myself thinking about the boxes we put ourselves in and how we choose to climb out of them when I read this post. I love how the lessons taught in that book apply to all the many layers of our lives.
Very good points indeed, and I think it’s very helpful that you point out the other side of things. I also think that the reason some of the stepmothers who feel “stalked” so to speak, is due to a negative relationship with the biomoms in their lives. However, I don’t take away from the fact that if information is out there and public, that we wouldn’t all pore over every little detail of what could possibly have been said, if it was about any of us. I think it’s human nature. At the same time it’s disconcerting to know that the freedom to express feelings, frustrations, and the like are suddenly under scrutiny from the one person we really don’t want to deal with to begin with. So, personally, I always appreciate your viewpoint, but I can absolutely empathize with what’s been happening the past few days in stepmom blogland. Not everyone has the dream relationship with their biomoms and this just makes it tougher…as always just my 2 cents.
I can totally relate to this post/situation. I had a public website, where I updated our family/friends on our life. It wasn’t about our relationship with the biological mom, it was truly about our family. I did occasionally mention her, in passing, when we were in court battling some issue, but always kept in the forefront of my mind two things: 1) She could be reading this, and 2) Someday my stepson could be reading this, too. I never wanted to write anything that I wasn’t comfortable with him reading about his mother.
Well, #1 actually happened. My SS knew we had a website and asked if he could show it to his Mom. So we gave him the address as there was nothing we thought we needed to hide. Well, it definitely changed the dynamics of our relationship. We had been civil. All civility went out the door. I think reading about her son and her ex-husband with me and all of the “family” things we were doing just really bothered her. It was too much, too soon for her, like it was being rubbed in her face. Eventually, I put two and two together and decided that as much as I loved having my blog out there for people to read, I had to make it private.
So now, we have our blog available to just select family and friends. I still get to write everyday and our family keeps up-to-date about our life, but I don’t feel as though I have to worry that she is “looking over my shoulder” every minute of every day, knowing what goes on in our family life. Password-protecting our blog gave us the boundaries we needed.
Thanks for this post. It gives a wonderful perspective. And your website - JUST AMAZING. I come here everyday for inspiration, a laugh, insight on this journey called stepmotherhood!
Jill-
Great post, and very timely. I have been struggling with these same issues, and I don’t really know where to go from here. I do not want the biomom in my life finding my blog, and the ramifications if she does will be painful. I don’t want her knowing about my life, my thoughts and feelings, yet I need to share. This community that I have stumbled into has provided support that I could not have found in the non-online community. I’ve known the potential consequences since I started writing, my husband knows them (and reads daily, and sometimes follows me around to friend’s sites), and I really to try to be as honest as possible when I write about the complications in our life.
I completely understand your points about why the biomoms might be reading our blogs; insight, trying to figure out me as a person, trying to figure out how this relationship is going to work.
And, a huge confession. A few months after my husband and I met, when I really started to understand the extent of his ex-wife’s illness and bad choices, he let me read all of the print-outs from her opendiary blog. It was fascinating. I think I have reread them a number of times. It was a chronicle of a descent into madness, justifications for cheating and ignoring the kids, and her real thoughts on her husband. She absolutely hated every second of her life as a mom and wife, and she held him responsible for every perceived slight and the perception of her ‘downtroden’ life. I think I realized when I was reading it how ill she is, and much of an impact that is going to have on my life. So yes, reading her blog wasn’t so much about stalking maliciously, but about trying to figure out how in the heck her pea brain works. I still don’t get it, and I need to stop trying, or it will drive me nuts.
My ex-husband and his wife read my blog regularly. I do blog about them from time to time. It took me a long time to realize that if they wanted to stop in and read my words, that was fine with me.
However, I still worry that they read it and assume that is the end all of what is happening in our home. The truth is… no matter what I write, they can find fault in it. See, I’ll let you in on a secret… I’m not perfect. When I finally sucked it up and admitted that to myself, I stopped caring if they read it or not.
-d
[...] wrote a nice little piece about having your blog read by ex-spouses and their new wives/husbands. It’s a nice piece about [...]
That is the very reason I read the blog and the blogs that are listed in the blogroll. I am a sane person who is just trying to gain insight and understanding about how all of this works. I must point out though, the blog is written by someone who IS NOT the stepmother, she is just a girlfriend but writing as though she has all this insight as a stepmother. She has known for a while that I read her blog and has since now started a private blog in which I am sure, details of my life and that of my children get discussed. I am aware of statcounter or clicky and how it works, I also know that there are two other adults in my home who also spend time on the blogs and actually read more of it than I do. I should point out that I have never posted under her username, nor will I. Her opinion is quite different than mine and tainted by not knowing the truth of the situation she has put herself in. Did I use pieces/content of her blog in court proceedings? Yes, I did. Was it helpful in establishing boundaries? Yes it was. Do I think she and I will ever be friends? No. Will we have a mature relationship for the sake of the children? I can only hope so. So, there you go–a small piece of the puzzle and my short sided version of things. I do not leave comments because the comments that have been left by her that are about me are so untrue and misguided that I have honestly been at a loss as to how to maintain my composure and not let my anger shine through. For those who think that I am jealous of the relationship she has with my ex, you could not be further from the truth. I hope and wish that they have many years of happiness together as I feel they are truly meant to be together. Sorry so long, just trying to clarify some things.
Well Jill,
You know what happened when X started listening to my podcast!
True!!! I wonder why he listens, and why he wants your podcasts to stop.
control, control and control. Not necessarily in that order.
Dear Bio Mom,
The best thing you can do for yourself. Stop worrying about what “he” told “her” about “your” relationship; demise of your relationship; etc. It doesn’t matter in the long run.
1. You can’t control it.
2. You can’t change it.
3. Each story has two sides, worry only about yours and let him take care of his.
I can’t tell you how incredibly freeing the realization of those things were for me. It was such a changing point in my entire life when I realized those things.
-d
Those are some pretty liberating ideas. They freed me a lot, too. At the same time, though, I think it’s pretty painful to feel like you’re not being seen as fully human — especially by folks who have some influence over your kids. It takes a while to work through that I think and to figure out how to let go… I think sometimes there’s an adjustment period where it’s normal to be in shock about not being understood, and where you’re just looking for any meaning you can find from what the other person is saying or writing. But yeah, I agree — I think ultimately those realizations you outlined are the only ones that can really set you free. It’s an incredibly empowering thing to get there eventually. But I think how empowering it is comes in proportion to how hard it is to get there — it takes a while, and I think that’s pretty normal, too.
I just want to make sure you know you’re always welcome here, Bio Mom. (Everybody is.) Feel free to comment, think out loud, or just read if that’s more comfortable.
I agree Jill! It took me about five years to realize those statements were true. And it was a LONG five years.
-d
Some of the best comments I have gotten on my blog have been from Biomoms. Since we are not dealing with a totally sane BM in our situation, the perspectives of BM’s who don’t have mental health issues, have really helped me grow in this situation. Sometimes it is so hard to separate the mom from the illness from the situation.
I don’t know what I would do if BM found out about my blog. Part of me would welcome it, because maybe it could help her be a little more introspective, but most of me knows that she would either not recognize herself in the situation and/or she would lash out.
I wish it were just about changing perspective. The thing is, we never know which person we are dealing with when it comes to her. So, I have to admit that my blog has been the greatest outlet I have had. I need to vent—-even if it is sometimes a childish temper tantrum—-and I need the commune with other stepmoms.
That being said, I am considering taking my blog private……..
I used to be totally paranoid that BM would find the Blender site or my blog.. actually, I don’t write a ton on my blog because of it.
I had a fake name, etc..
Then I realized that I was allowing her to scare me.. and I really don’t think that anything worse could happen if she found it. She may react (alright, I KNOW she’d react) but I don’t post anything I wouldn’t say to her face given the chance.. at least not to the public eye.
I have nothing to hide.. and maybe, just maybe, she’d be able to see that Step mom and all, I’m truly a pretty nice person. Not out to take her daughter away.
Nice post, Jill. Thank you.
“The best thing you can do for yourself. Stop worrying about what “he” told “her” about “your” relationship; demise of your relationship; etc. It doesn’t matter in the long run.”
And, as a second wife, I live with him, I know he’s not perfect, but I won’t tell you that. Just believe me when I say that I’m not always on his ’side’ like you tend to think.
That’s a very, very, very good point!
Here’s yet another perspective. Yes, my blog is public, and I have always felt the more readers, the merrier. By the same token, any reader can leave at any time and go read something else if they are unhappy, offended, bored, whatever. Making an adult decision regarding what you read online shouldn’t be difficult. You can’t complain about a blog, whine about it in court, and then return to it rabidly day after day, then claim anything but malice in your intent. Any “innocent” reasons for hanging out on my blog are easily and immediately eliminated after stunts like that. It’s wonderful if some of you are in more sane situations where you can afford the benefit of the doubt.