The DHX: The Doughtie Houses Exchange

The three day rule was Kathy’s idea. If something happens that upsets one of us or that we’re mad or hurt about, we have to talk about it with the other one within three days. If we can’t bring ourselves to do that, we have to let it go. It’s no longer “mad-able”. It can’t be a secret, lurking grudge that we don’t talk about or that only comes up weeks or months or years later in a fight. It’s a statute of limitation on offenses.

She suggested it when we first started talking again after our year of angry silence, and it works for us. For me, it’s permission to speak up and to speak my mind. And it’s an impetus. It’s a “now or never” kind of deadline that more often than not gets me talking. For her, it’s the freedom to know that I’m not harboring grudges that she doesn’t have any inkling about. For both of us, it’s a kind of security in this odd, close quarters set-up. We agree to listen, even if it hurts. We agree to speak, even if it’s scary, to the point of stomach acid and shaking and getting the runs. And we agree to let some things go.

• A Stepmom’s Say: About Mommy – “Nothing has brought me more angry comments and viciousness, than the fact that I let the reader know that my stepsons call me “Mom.” I totally understand the passion behind these comments, but often disagree with the reasoning.” (more)
• Typical Momma: To Be Or Not To Be Mom – “If Mom is actively involved in your community and actively involved in the children’s lives; don’t introduce yourself as the children’s mother. Allow the community and the children to be proud of the fact that you are their stepmother and you care. This impact will be greater than you realize. The sooner we dispell the concept that stepparents aren’t involved parental role models… the better off we will be. It is OKAY to be the stepmom.” (more)
• Cool Mom: Step Mommies (video) – Cool Mom talks to her mom, a former teacher, about the positive role she often saw stepmoms playing in the families she interacted with.
• Marshall Rosenberg on Nonviolent Communication (video) – De-escalating conflict through listening for what people are feeling and needing instead of for what they think about us.

• Breed ‘Em And Weep: Having it made and unmade – “This is what one gives up, succumbing to divorce, releasing into the wild a love you once were sure you had made.” (link)
• Paul Graham: Lies We Tell Kids – “Adults lie constantly to kids. I’m not saying we should stop, but I think we should at least examine which lies we tell and why.” (link)
• J.K. Rowling: The Fringe Benefits of Failure, and the Importance of Imagination – “Now, I am not going to stand here and tell you that failure is fun… So why do I talk about the benefits of failure? Simply because failure meant a stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was, and began to direct all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me… I was set free…” (link)

Check out TechCrunch’s review of When Is Good, a free online tool that helps groups of people choose meeting times by letting them all highlight the dates and times that work for each of them.

This looks like it could be handy for scheduling all kinds of co-parenting things from phone calls to doctors’ appointments to vacation schedules. The neat thing about it is that it just shows you a grid of all the invitees’ availablity — invitees can add short comments when they are clicking on their available times, but you don’t have to send out, sort through and distill a bunch of emails (or make a bunch of phone calls) to find a time that works for everyone. We haven’t used it yet across houses, but I’m bookmarking it because it looks pretty neat.

Tags: meetings, scheduling, stepfamilies

Kathy, in between acts of one of the kids’ plays.