The DHX: The Doughtie Houses Exchange » Tips http://www.thedhx.com A mom and a stepmom share stories, ideas, friendship and family Tue, 02 Dec 2008 23:31:27 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9 en hourly 1 The three day rule http://www.thedhx.com/2008/07/17/the-three-day-rule/ http://www.thedhx.com/2008/07/17/the-three-day-rule/#comments Thu, 17 Jul 2008 21:18:18 +0000 Jill http://www.thedhx.com/?p=565 The three day rule was Kathy’s idea. If something happens that upsets one of us or that we’re mad or hurt about, we have to talk about it with the other one within three days. If we can’t bring ourselves to do that, we have to let it go. It’s no longer “mad-able”. It can’t be a secret, lurking grudge that we don’t talk about or that only comes up weeks or months or years later in a fight. It’s a statute of limitation on offenses.

She suggested it when we first started talking again after our year of angry silence, and it works for us. For me, it’s permission to speak up and to speak my mind. And it’s an impetus. It’s a “now or never” kind of deadline that more often than not gets me talking. For her, it’s the freedom to know that I’m not harboring grudges that she doesn’t have any inkling about. For both of us, it’s a kind of security in this odd, close quarters set-up. We agree to listen, even if it hurts. We agree to speak, even if it’s scary, to the point of stomach acid and shaking and getting the runs. And we agree to let some things go.

]]> http://www.thedhx.com/2008/07/17/the-three-day-rule/feed/ 2 Two must-read posts: How to stop hating the ex-wife or stepmother in your life http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/15/a-must-read-post-how-to-stop-hating-the-ex-wife-or-stepmother-in-your-life/ http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/15/a-must-read-post-how-to-stop-hating-the-ex-wife-or-stepmother-in-your-life/#comments Tue, 15 Jan 2008 15:00:10 +0000 Jill http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/12/a-must-read-post-how-to-stop-hating-the-ex-wife-or-stepmother-in-your-life/ No One’s the Bitch is a blog by a mom-stepmom team about building happy mom-stepmom realtionships. Jen (the mom) and Carol (the stepmom) are close friends now, but they didn’t start out that way at all. Jen has knocked the ball out of the park with two must-read posts in the last few days:

]]> http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/15/a-must-read-post-how-to-stop-hating-the-ex-wife-or-stepmother-in-your-life/feed/ 2 “Yes, and…” http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/05/make-like-an-improvisational-comedian-and-say-yes-and/ http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/05/make-like-an-improvisational-comedian-and-say-yes-and/#comments Sun, 06 Jan 2008 01:51:36 +0000 Jill http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/05/make-like-an-improvisational-comedian-and-say-yes-and/ One of the building blocks of improvisational comedy is the “Yes, and…” rule. When improvising a scene, you accept and build on what your partner does. The quickest way to kill a scene is to block or deny a suggestion. “Yes, and” is about more than not blocking, though. It’s about co-creating or collaborating on the fly.

When joining a stepfamily, try yes-anding. Try accepting the alien suggestions, traditions, stories, ideas, and perspectives that people offer. Try to avoid blocking them whenever you can. Instead, add your perspective. Add your traditions. Build on ideas. Add suggestions that would make things more comfortable for you. Allow, join and add. Invite, allow, and add.

More about “Yes, and…” and improv:

]]> http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/05/make-like-an-improvisational-comedian-and-say-yes-and/feed/ 0 Say yes as often as you can http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/05/say-yes-as-often-as-you-can/ http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/05/say-yes-as-often-as-you-can/#comments Sun, 06 Jan 2008 00:41:45 +0000 Jill http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/05/say-yes-as-often-as-you-can/ A long time ago, a friend told me that the best parenting advice he’d ever been given was to say yes as much as possible to your child. An aunt of his had given him this advice when his baby was first born, and over the years he found himself noticing that he was often tempted to say no to his daughter for his own convenience. For example, she’d ask if she could do a craft, and his first impulse might be to say no, but when he thought about it, he realized that it was because he didn’t want to have to deal with the complication and the mess. And then he’d realize it would be better parenting to say “yes”, and would, and would be glad he did.

It’s good advice for raising kids in two houses, too. Say yes as often as you can to the kids, and to the other house. If you find yourself wanting to say no to an idea or request, think about why. Is it just because of extra hassle? Would it break your heart to say yes, or would it just be a little extra inconvenience? Be as flexible as you can on the things that don’t really matter.

]]> http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/05/say-yes-as-often-as-you-can/feed/ 2 The lost and found basket http://www.thedhx.com/2007/12/05/the-lost-and-found-basket/ http://www.thedhx.com/2007/12/05/the-lost-and-found-basket/#comments Wed, 05 Dec 2007 18:41:44 +0000 Jill http://www.thedhx.com/2007/12/05/133/ Lost and found basketOne of the things that keeps me from feeling overwhelmed by other people’s stuff (and that helps keep me from feeling like a nag at the same time) is our house lost and found. It’s a big basket that we keep on the window seat in the dining room. When I find something laying around that belongs to someone else and I don’t feel like figuring out where it goes, I put it in the basket. Everybody else in the house can do the same thing. It’s the first place we look if something’s lost. When it starts to overflow, we take everything out of it as a group, claim and put away the stuff we want, and throw away what’s left.

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