Comments on: Other Women’s Children http://www.thedhx.com/2008/08/17/other-womens-children/ A mom and a stepmom share stories, ideas, friendship and family Sun, 08 Nov 2009 23:17:19 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9 hourly 1 By: Q http://www.thedhx.com/2008/08/17/other-womens-children/comment-page-2/#comment-1964 Q Tue, 16 Dec 2008 17:16:03 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/?p=669#comment-1964 I just read these posts, and appreciate all of the sharing and conversation. I struggle to understand the complexities of what threatens a bio-mom about a stepmother. RP, I am thinking about these feelings you posted earlier: "The sad and often scary part of divorce is that as mothers, we no longer have influence with the other parent." "I just don’t enjoy being treated as some peripheral figure in her life when she is with them. I don’t like the complete lack of basic human respect “because they can”. I don’t like the fact I’m marginalized to my daughter, and the attempts to squash her affections for me." "It is difficult to accept the father of your child has no use for you even though you are the mother of his child." "I fault my child’s father 100% for the problems between the homes. Unless there is an act of God, miracle, in our situation, I do not predict all the parents working together. It will remain parellel parenting until the two most important things occur to make it happen: basic respect extended and some level of trust established." I wonder - Why do you need your ex-husband to need you? Why is is 'scary' that you do not influence him? And - By deciding that you will not work with the other house baring an act of God, aren't you just deciding that you won't work with them? At that point, you've made your mind up and there's nothing they can do. What is keeping you from reaching out and establishing that ideal relationship you'd like to have with your daughter's stepmother? Why do you give up you power to do that? Lastly - A wise woman once suggested to me that I write a letter to a person I was in a frustrating relationship with. And then that I cross out all the "you"s and replace with with "I"s and "me"s. She said if I re-read it that way, I could learn something valuable about myself. Is it possible, RP, that you think you are peripheral in your children's lives in their other household, because you perceive yourself that way? Is is possible that you perceive yourself as disrespected, unloved and unimportant in your children's other household, because you perceive yourself that way? Would a stronger sense of self-love, self-respect, and self-confidence solve your problems in the "other" household? I just read these posts, and appreciate all of the sharing and conversation. I struggle to understand the complexities of what threatens a bio-mom about a stepmother.
RP, I am thinking about these feelings you posted earlier:
“The sad and often scary part of divorce is that as mothers, we no longer have influence with the other parent.”
“I just don’t enjoy being treated as some peripheral figure in her life when she is with them. I don’t like the complete lack of basic human respect “because they can”. I don’t like the fact I’m marginalized to my daughter, and the attempts to squash her affections for me.”
“It is difficult to accept the father of your child has no use for you even though you are the mother of his child.”
“I fault my child’s father 100% for the problems between the homes. Unless there is an act of God, miracle, in our situation, I do not predict all the parents working together. It will remain parellel parenting until the two most important things occur to make it happen: basic respect extended and some level of trust established.”
I wonder – Why do you need your ex-husband to need you? Why is is ’scary’ that you do not influence him?
And – By deciding that you will not work with the other house baring an act of God, aren’t you just deciding that you won’t work with them? At that point, you’ve made your mind up and there’s nothing they can do. What is keeping you from reaching out and establishing that ideal relationship you’d like to have with your daughter’s stepmother? Why do you give up you power to do that?
Lastly – A wise woman once suggested to me that I write a letter to a person I was in a frustrating relationship with. And then that I cross out all the “you”s and replace with with “I”s and “me”s. She said if I re-read it that way, I could learn something valuable about myself. Is it possible, RP, that you think you are peripheral in your children’s lives in their other household, because you perceive yourself that way? Is is possible that you perceive yourself as disrespected, unloved and unimportant in your children’s other household, because you perceive yourself that way? Would a stronger sense of self-love, self-respect, and self-confidence solve your problems in the “other” household?

]]> By: Monick http://www.thedhx.com/2008/08/17/other-womens-children/comment-page-2/#comment-1945 Monick Fri, 17 Oct 2008 00:19:44 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/?p=669#comment-1945 Thank you for your wonderful post. I'm a step-mother and I dearly love my two step-children. I am proud as can be when they receive rewards at school or score a goal in the soccer game. I do have a different relationship with them than I do with my two-month old biological daughter. My love for her is different than the love I feel for them. It may be because she's so small and cuddly and sweet. (Who doesn't just adore a baby?) It may be because I'm the only mother she's got. It may be because she's biologically mine and I spent 9 months bonding with her while she grew within me. Or it may be because every relationship is unique. I'm not sure. What I do know is that while the love I feel for my own daughter and my husband's other children is different, I definitely still very much feel love for them. Thank you for your wonderful post. I’m a step-mother and I dearly love my two step-children. I am proud as can be when they receive rewards at school or score a goal in the soccer game. I do have a different relationship with them than I do with my two-month old biological daughter. My love for her is different than the love I feel for them. It may be because she’s so small and cuddly and sweet. (Who doesn’t just adore a baby?) It may be because I’m the only mother she’s got. It may be because she’s biologically mine and I spent 9 months bonding with her while she grew within me. Or it may be because every relationship is unique. I’m not sure. What I do know is that while the love I feel for my own daughter and my husband’s other children is different, I definitely still very much feel love for them.

]]> By: dragonflymama http://www.thedhx.com/2008/08/17/other-womens-children/comment-page-2/#comment-1934 dragonflymama Sun, 05 Oct 2008 18:15:09 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/?p=669#comment-1934 Wow- I just read all these wonderful posts, and though I'm a little late to the thread, I wanted to say thank you to everyone who shared with such honesty. It is helpful for me to read all the perspectives, and try to understand why my SD's mom might feel so threatened by me, or by her daughter's relationship with me. It is reassuring for me to know there are people out there asking questions and being real and truly trying to work through these hard things. Wow- I just read all these wonderful posts, and though I’m a little late to the thread, I wanted to say thank you to everyone who shared with such honesty. It is helpful for me to read all the perspectives, and try to understand why my SD’s mom might feel so threatened by me, or by her daughter’s relationship with me. It is reassuring for me to know there are people out there asking questions and being real and truly trying to work through these hard things.

]]> By: Jennifer http://www.thedhx.com/2008/08/17/other-womens-children/comment-page-2/#comment-1929 Jennifer Wed, 01 Oct 2008 18:22:25 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/?p=669#comment-1929 Sorry to have posted and run before. Big deadlines swallowed me up, but now I'm done! Here's one other thing I think bears being said: sometimes being a mother means you unpleasantly go ahead and fulfill your role, even if your presence seems unwanted. Sometimes, ESPECIALLY if your presence seems unwanted. Can children always be counted upon to know what's in their best interests, based upon new-found passions and a sense of novelty? No!!!! Bonnie, I hope you don't mind if I "push" on you a bit. I'm talking to myself here too, and I'm also trying to put my own experiences in perspective, so don't be freaked out by the length of the text that follows below! Look at your daughter's fascination or enchantment with her stepmom the same way a ten year-old might be totally taken by their new, cool babysitter. There might be ways that the SM "sees" your daughter, that you don't. Maybe she reflects back to her a version of herself that she would like to be. Who knows what the attraction is! And I totally and completely understand how you wouldn't want your daughter to like one, single thing about the SM if she was the impetus for your divorce. Sounds like hell. BUT...! (you knew there was going to be one, didn't you?!) You *cannot* let your hurt feelings about your daughter's behavior make you abdicate your maternal role and hand it over to the SM, no matter how your daughter is acting, or whom she might seem to prefer. Do you *really* think you two are interchangeable as mother figures? You have a history with your daughter that the SM doesn't share. You are bound together by blood and ties to your heart that run as deep as your soul, in ways you cannot see or even consciously understand. However the relationship goes with your daughter and stepmom in the future - whether there is genuine love there or not (and you should hope there is, for your daughter's sake!) - this does nothing to alter your obligation to fulfill your role to the absolute best of your abilities. If you step away from this because of wounded feelings and disappointed expectations: "our children are naturally and instinctively supposed to always love us, primarily, and others, secondarily" (parents of teenagers are broken of this one real fast), who knows how your daughter might ultimately see this? In her heart, she would likely feel abandoned. That's because on the most primitive of levels, she knows YOU are her mother! I keep coming back to this image in my head of a woman in a house - her child is off out there doing god knows what in the world, and the mother is at home, fretting and worrying and feeling unseen and unappreciated. When the situation finally plays itself out and the child returns home, the child is grateful to the core that their mother is still there for them - steady, loving, with the benefits of a wisdom that comes from taking the long-view. Now's your time to be that woman. You take the long view and you maintain a space for your daughter inside yourself that is permanent and unyielding. You "clean house" by taking inventory of the emotions you are struggling with, and get help if you need to. You don't let your hurt feelings slip into your behavior (withdrawing warmth or interaction, making childish bids for attention, letting inappropriate comments escape you) - YOU handle those, because while 13 year old's know a lot, they don't know enough to help their mothers through something so huge, nor should they. Don't mix up your sense of betrayal with the adultery and your sense of betrayal at your daughter's "breathless excitement" with her stepmom. Feeling hurt by your daughter doesn't trump your obligations as an adult and as a parent, even if it's really hard or painful. Be there for her, even if she's turning away from you.... I know this stuff gets you where you live. Even working moms have to deal with a similar sense of betrayal when their own child bonds more with the nanny and seems to prefer them. Sometimes, this creates a distance that never goes away. Ever! And these mom/stepmother things are tough too, but they're a reality that's not going away, so we may as well figure out the parameters and handle things with bravery, persistence, and foresight, right? Bonnie, I hope this wasn't too in your face and I apologize in advance if I overstepped any lines.... I just don't want you to take a difficult situation and make it even worse by creating more distance as a show of how deeply hurt you feel (speaking from experience here - that tactic unfortunately summarises my marriage and it didn't work, obviously!). You have a wonderful opportunity here to head some really heartbreaking, devastating things off at the pass and avoid them altogether: major guilt and regret on your part later, as you kick yourself, and for your daughter, major guilt, confusion, and feeling abandoned in a way that might never go away. Think about it! Wouldn't you do whatever you could to prevent those things if you saw them coming?! Be there for your daughter, mend your damaged feelings, and feel proud of yourself on the other side for working through something so challenging and overwhelming. Thanks to everyone for the kind words about my essay and Jill, how about writing a new post about THIS topic?! :-) Sorry to have posted and run before. Big deadlines swallowed me up, but now I’m done!

Here’s one other thing I think bears being said: sometimes being a mother means you unpleasantly go ahead and fulfill your role, even if your presence seems unwanted. Sometimes, ESPECIALLY if your presence seems unwanted. Can children always be counted upon to know what’s in their best interests, based upon new-found passions and a sense of novelty? No!!!!

Bonnie, I hope you don’t mind if I “push” on you a bit. I’m talking to myself here too, and I’m also trying to put my own experiences in perspective, so don’t be freaked out by the length of the text that follows below! Look at your daughter’s fascination or enchantment with her stepmom the same way a ten year-old might be totally taken by their new, cool babysitter. There might be ways that the SM “sees” your daughter, that you don’t. Maybe she reflects back to her a version of herself that she would like to be. Who knows what the attraction is! And I totally and completely understand how you wouldn’t want your daughter to like one, single thing about the SM if she was the impetus for your divorce. Sounds like hell.

BUT…! (you knew there was going to be one, didn’t you?!)

You *cannot* let your hurt feelings about your daughter’s behavior make you abdicate your maternal role and hand it over to the SM, no matter how your daughter is acting, or whom she might seem to prefer. Do you *really* think you two are interchangeable as mother figures? You have a history with your daughter that the SM doesn’t share. You are bound together by blood and ties to your heart that run as deep as your soul, in ways you cannot see or even consciously understand. However the relationship goes with your daughter and stepmom in the future – whether there is genuine love there or not (and you should hope there is, for your daughter’s sake!) – this does nothing to alter your obligation to fulfill your role to the absolute best of your abilities. If you step away from this because of wounded feelings and disappointed expectations: “our children are naturally and instinctively supposed to always love us, primarily, and others, secondarily” (parents of teenagers are broken of this one real fast), who knows how your daughter might ultimately see this? In her heart, she would likely feel abandoned. That’s because on the most primitive of levels, she knows YOU are her mother!

I keep coming back to this image in my head of a woman in a house – her child is off out there doing god knows what in the world, and the mother is at home, fretting and worrying and feeling unseen and unappreciated. When the situation finally plays itself out and the child returns home, the child is grateful to the core that their mother is still there for them – steady, loving, with the benefits of a wisdom that comes from taking the long-view.

Now’s your time to be that woman. You take the long view and you maintain a space for your daughter inside yourself that is permanent and unyielding. You “clean house” by taking inventory of the emotions you are struggling with, and get help if you need to. You don’t let your hurt feelings slip into your behavior (withdrawing warmth or interaction, making childish bids for attention, letting inappropriate comments escape you) – YOU handle those, because while 13 year old’s know a lot, they don’t know enough to help their mothers through something so huge, nor should they. Don’t mix up your sense of betrayal with the adultery and your sense of betrayal at your daughter’s “breathless excitement” with her stepmom. Feeling hurt by your daughter doesn’t trump your obligations as an adult and as a parent, even if it’s really hard or painful. Be there for her, even if she’s turning away from you….

I know this stuff gets you where you live. Even working moms have to deal with a similar sense of betrayal when their own child bonds more with the nanny and seems to prefer them. Sometimes, this creates a distance that never goes away. Ever! And these mom/stepmother things are tough too, but they’re a reality that’s not going away, so we may as well figure out the parameters and handle things with bravery, persistence, and foresight, right?

Bonnie, I hope this wasn’t too in your face and I apologize in advance if I overstepped any lines…. I just don’t want you to take a difficult situation and make it even worse by creating more distance as a show of how deeply hurt you feel (speaking from experience here – that tactic unfortunately summarises my marriage and it didn’t work, obviously!).

You have a wonderful opportunity here to head some really heartbreaking, devastating things off at the pass and avoid them altogether: major guilt and regret on your part later, as you kick yourself, and for your daughter, major guilt, confusion, and feeling abandoned in a way that might never go away. Think about it! Wouldn’t you do whatever you could to prevent those things if you saw them coming?! Be there for your daughter, mend your damaged feelings, and feel proud of yourself on the other side for working through something so challenging and overwhelming.

Thanks to everyone for the kind words about my essay and Jill, how about writing a new post about THIS topic?! :-)

]]> By: Jill http://www.thedhx.com/2008/08/17/other-womens-children/comment-page-2/#comment-1928 Jill Tue, 30 Sep 2008 03:08:20 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/?p=669#comment-1928 I almost don't want to write a new post because this discussion is so great, and I don't want to interrupt it! I almost don’t want to write a new post because this discussion is so great, and I don’t want to interrupt it!

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