Other Women’s Children
Aug 17th, 2008 by Kathy
A comment to the “Wicked Step Mother” post I wrote awhile ago has been disturbing me for the past few days. I already replied within that thread, but I feel that this topic requires more open discussion.
The comment is that maybe it’s not in a woman’s DNA to love someone else’s kids, and that maybe it’s like the bear cubs who get eaten by the other mothers in the den when their own mothers die. (Actually, it seems that even mother bears will refuse to care for their own offspring so personally I’m shying away from trying to emulate ursine mothering strategies.)
Over the past six months I’ve been in a relationship with a man who has a son about 3 years older than my oldest boy, Chris. As the relationship has developed, I’ve become closer to this young man, who is about to go away to college. Now, granted, I’m not being asked to wipe the dribble off his face or take him to playdates. And yet, if I were, I would do it completely joyously and enthusiastically.
I LOVE this kid. I have felt a strong protective instinct towards him from the first time I met him. This transcends the relationship I have with his father, or the friendship I have with his mother (who is an amazing woman and I adore her). Protective is the only word that really describes it — along with admiration, pride, gratitude that he’s on the planet, and a joy that my life has been graced with the ability to intersect his. The only other people I feel like that about are my own two kids. It’s instinctive, it’s true, it’s deep, and it’s real.
I do understand that there are many situations out there where the step-mother/children chemistries don’t work, and it’s tragic and it’s painful and sometimes it’s just downright impossible to work through. The issues at work seem to be bigger, however. A family is a constellation of people, all of whom are bringing their fears and hopes and projections into the home.
I AM capable of loving another person’s child. Jill loves my kids. And I know many other examples where it is possible to love other people’s children. If a family dynamic doesn’t seem to be working, I totally get that it is is tempting (and a lot more safe) to assign the blame on a genetic imperative. But maybe it just means the dynamic doesn’t seem to be working. Which is good, because that means maybe there’s a way to get in under the hood and do some tinkering.
I just had to say that out loud. I know what it’s like to be a step-mom these days, too.
First time commenting on your blog although I’ve read it for a while.
I’ve often wished my husband’s ex wife would date someone with children so she’d understand some of the frustrations I go through. We don’t have a tense relationship, but we do have our moments of disagreement.
In my own case, I think she sometimes loses sight of what it might feel like to have a strong maternal instinct but not your own biological children to mother.
Thank you for your very positive take!
I tend to agree that the biological excuse is a lame one. However, one thing that has annoyed me in my journey towards Stepmomland is women who aren’t in the situation speculating what they would do and how they would react … and you make that very misstep by stating you’d joyfully wipe this kid’s face if necessary. Isn’t it these sorts of assumptions that set us up for unrealistic expectations and a lack of understanding in the first place?
I have never been a step-mom, but I have worked with many foster children. I have wiped many faces and cleaned many hands. I have shared smiles and tears, hugs and kisses… A part of me considered them “my extra kids” their little lives touched mine, but as their “worker” I had to draw a line and would not get TOO attached. I can honestly say if anyone of those kids were to have been able to come in to my life permanently (through Adoption) I would have loved them with all my heart. I could not predict what the future would hold, but I would know that I would commit to them and always be a part of their lives. I am not sure I would ever love them like I do my Bio son… only because my son and I have shared things in life that I would not be able to have with these other children. We have been though the birth (both of us lucky to be alive), the early years of day in day out care, being puked on and consoling tears that simply could not be consoled… There are things that are just NOT the same… that being said. As a “step-mom” I would be scared. I would so want to love the children like I would have these foster-children, BUT the only difference… with an Adoption, you actually can make a commitment and it is under your control. As a step-mom they choose to love and commit to these children and the reality is that they do not have ultimate control to commit to them longterm… There is another player.. the husband… and for whatever reason at any time he could CHOOSE to leave or heaven forbid pass away… and then step-mom not only loses a love, but his kids too… That is where it differs and why it is hard to comprehend how most step-moms can be so selfless. They love children and care for them and all the while have to have somewhere in their mind that if something were to happen with dad that their love and commitment could be taken away. I truly believe that because of that the love and commitment they make is truly selfless. I see step-moms as Foster-parents who take chidlren into their lives and love and care for them, all the while knowing that they could be taken from their lives. Even so at least the foster parents have a chance of Adoption, most step-parents do not have this opportunity. Unless the other parent is out of the picture completely usually adoption is not possible. So they commit selflessly.
Amy, thank you for your very insightful comment. You make a point I’d never thought about before. A step-mom’s commitment to her kids is very much entangled with her husband and it’s frightening to realize that if something happens to that relationship, her connection with the kids becomes very precarious indeed. I guess some women see the kids as a necessary evil and would be glad to be rid of that responsibility, but others have invested huge amounts of time and emotional energy into the stepkids, only to lose them if the father dies or the relationship dissolves. Legislating a bond between a step-mother and her kids in this event would be dicey, to say the least. Even more reason, I believe, for everyone to try to operate from a place of compassion and understanding for all the emotions and bonds that arise in these complex relationships. Thank you for opening my eyes to yet another facet of this discussion.
I’ll be another lurker coming out and commenting. First and foremost, you both have my utmost admiration for what you both have achieved in a working relationship with one another. I envy it because it is not one-sided but deliberate colloboration by both of you. I wish I had/am so lucky in my own blended family experience with my daughter’s stepmother. Unfortunately, she doesn’t respect boundaries at all nor the importance of my relationship with my daughter. I’m disposable because I’m non-custodial. She’s the real mother despite all that I do as a non-custodial mother. There isn’t an ability to meet half-way with her..it’s her way or nothing. So, I parallel parent and no longer try with such a person. I draw and enforce very strict boundaries with a toxic stepmother.
You discuss legislation and how it can be a very precarious venture with stepparents. I agree however I think it would help legal parents to a shared child feel more at ease knowing the stepparent relationship/responsiblities are not a choice but a mandate. It finally would place stepparents as true equals in every way..not just what they pick and choose. I firmly believe when a stepparent willfully creates a dependency in a child, be it psychological or financial, has stepchildren calling them “Mom” or “Dad”, its the same type of decision as choosing to bring a child into the world or legally adopting. It’s a choice that affects a child permanently and should have legal requirements of the “parent”.
It bothers me greatly to have a stepmother believe she is the mother to my child without any of the real legal responsibilities that go along with that privilege. Her decision to leave can come as quickly as her decision to “parent”. I feel protective and territorial over my child, not just because she’s a narcisstic individual, but because she firmly believes she is an equal, if not more important, in my child life than me. Yet, I’m the mother with all the real responsibilities outside of choice. I’m the one paying the child’s bills, the one who has to sacrifice without confirmation, etc…
I do believe stepparents CAN love their stepchildren as much as their own however their precarious position comes from the fact it is always a choice for them. There is nothing that binds them to the choice in willfully developing a psychological parent-child bond with a stepchild. Also, there is financial dependency in the equation.
As a bio-parent that is where I struggle greatly having the attitude the stepmother is an equal to me. All things are NOT equal. Her relationship and “responsiblity” to my daughter is very much dependent on her relationship with her spouse or her whims.
Above all, the woman doesn’t unconditionally love my daughter above her own needs. She doesn’t have anything mandating she should (I know this can be true of legal parents too, but I do think it is more ingrained in them than stepparents).
I have a hard time calling my child her child, as you clearly do in your posting. I suppose if I had Jill as my parenting counterpoint, I would too. It’s just unfortunate many biological mothers DON’T have great, loving, respectful stepmothers in the lives of their children.
Kathy, thank you. It’s a pleasure to read your posting and to have the opportunity to add to the musings here.
I think when it comes to any trait that is assigned to sex or relationship (as in virile male/gentle female, nurturing maternal/intimate sororal, etc) it’s difficult to extract our own feelings as we experience them in those roles. If we love our biological children fiercely and unselfishly, for example, it’s easy to think that 1. all mothers must have that same kind of love for their children and 2. no one but a mother could have that kind of love for their children.
Yet we’ve all known or heard of cold and unkind mothers. Not just outwardly abusive mothers, but women who could never unlock their hearts to their children, and who consequently deprived them of the unconditional tenderness we assume is a given with the relationship.
We’ve also known or heard of devoted, self-appointed surrogate mothers–the sainted neighbor lady, the compassionate mother of the best friend, the kind third-grade teacher–who have stepped in and filled gaps and loved beyond their roles, and with more selfless giving than the biological parents of that child.
So I think it’s important to recognize and accept that there is no inherent given in terms of boundaries or boundlessness when it comes to the adult/child relationship, whether biological or not. Some people are more capable of loving children than others. Some people are more capable of loving, period.
What is the point of an argument about whether or not a stepmother is as capable of loving a child as much as the biological mother? We are each capable of loving each person we know in our lives as much as we are capable of loving them–that’s all there is to it. Of course when it comes to parenting, there is an ideal, whether step or biological, and of course we all wish we could attain the ideal. But the bottom line is we can only do our best in all the roles we have in this life. And since we can only control the roles we are in, it’s kind of a waste of time and energy to think about how other people should be serving in theirs.
And to become indignant that a stepmother may think she loves a child as much as her own, or as the biological mom does, is a pointless, not to mention selfish and childish, waste of emotion. This isn’t a competition, after all–and if it is, how sadly confusing and damaging to the children involved! Children are not products that parents own the trademark to. The more love they get from the more people who know them, the finer their lives will be.
So my advice to biological moms who feel threatened or insulted by the idea that their kids’ stepmothers are taking on maternal roles with their children (assuming it’s not based in insincere manipulation or otherwise unhealthy) is this: revel in it, be grateful for it, and support it as much as you can. It in no way diminishes your role or importance in your child’s life. All it does is make your child happier, and that should make you happier.
Dear Aunt P -
Thank you so much! That is exactly the kind of eloquence I’ve been longing to write myself. It’s SO not about the title and the roles and the stereotypes, and it’s ALL about the individuals and the complexities. Lapsing into generalizations makes life easier. It’s our brains giving us their best-guess scenarios, based on past information. It’s good when those best-guesses are telling us to run when the mastadon is chasing us… and it’s not so good when we use them to inform our reactions to the people and their roles in our lives. (Hold this thought. I’m going to write a post about it the next time I get a chunk of time. This is important stuff.)
Your response is exquisite. Thank you so much for taking the time to write.
“And since we can only control the roles we are in, it’s kind of a waste of time and energy to think about how other people should be serving in theirs.”
Very well said and I agree until you contradicted it here:
“So my advice to biological moms who feel threatened or insulted by the idea that their kids’ stepmothers are taking on maternal roles with their children (assuming it’s not based in insincere manipulation or otherwise unhealthy) is this: revel in it, be grateful for it, and support it as much as you can. It in no way diminishes your role or importance in your child’s life. All it does is make your child happier, and that should make you happier.”
It appears to me, correct me if I’m wrong, that it is universally appropriate to tell biological mothers how to go about the business of being a mother to their own children, what standards they must adhere to to “meet the best interests of their child” and to judge them with the following:
“And to become indignant that a stepmother may think she loves a child as much as her own, or as the biological mom does, is a pointless, not to mention selfish and childish, waste of emotion.”
…but the moment a biological mother attempts to have influence over how a stepmother handles her role with her children, she is wrong or negatively labeled.
Why is it so one-sided? Perhaps we need to examine the bias of it. The bulk of what you had to say is brilliant, and couldn’t agree with you more, until it stopped being a balanced application for all women in the blended family…biological mothers AND stepmother behavior. It seems only the biological mother is held to the “best interests of the child” standard in favor of the stepmother role but you don’t see the reverse being advocated so in reverse. Notably, it’s appropriate for stepmothers to erect boundaries…but not for biological mothers, and so on.
I’d like to see balance. I’d also like to witness in blended family dialogue acknowledgment of certain realities, such as stepmother AND biological mother insecurites that are valid emotions…natural ones instead of expecting robots of parents, step or bio.
Let’s work within the natural framework instead of dismissing the validity of it or outright denying it should be factored in how everyone relates to each other.
Great dialogue here. I agree that everyone, no matter what the title has a certain level of love that they will allow themselves to give and receive. We all show love different ways, we all allow our own hearts to be open or closed or somewhere in between. There are so many variables. Through all this wonderful insight, the truth continues to lie within each one of us. When my young son gets to talking about how he can do so many things, I say “less talk more do” He gets it. He knows, even at 4, that sometimes people are all talk. It is great to have a dialogue and hear varying insights and be able to begin to delve into the minds of so many people. Yet, how much of it is filtered. It is easy to see flaws in others, but it is truly wonderful when we can see the flaws within ourselves.
As only a biomom I have trouble with this statement -
““So my advice to biological moms who feel threatened or insulted by the idea that their kids’ stepmothers are taking on maternal roles with their children (assuming it’s not based in insincere manipulation or otherwise unhealthy) is this: revel in it, be grateful for it, and support it as much as you can. It in no way diminishes your role or importance in your child’s life. All it does is make your child happier, and that should make you happier.”
Why should I be happy that my child has a stepmother that wants to have a maternal role in her life. Just the fact that my daughter likes her and acknowledges her with the name mommax diminishes my place in her life.
Bonnie, I understand you must be experiencing hurt to ask a question like this. I also understand that the circumstances around every divorce/remarriage are different, and that the tough ones can make it so difficult to incorporate the new relationships into our lives. I don’t know the details of your situation, or whether or not your question was even a sincere one. But if it was, and if you really do want an answer to it, here mine:
Why should you be happy that your daughter has a stepmother that wants to have a maternal role in her life?
Because this means that when she is in that home, she will feel wanted and safe, instead of resented and lonely. It means that she will be treated kindly instead of with indifference, or worse, cruelty. It means that her needs and opinions will be respected and heard instead of derided and ignored. It means that when she is hurting she will be tended to. In other words, it means that instead of feeling miserable and wounded when she is at her dad’s house, she will feel happy and nurtured there. I get that if she hated it at her dad’s and hated her stepmother, that could be affirming to you in some way, but truly, as the woman who brought her into this world and wishes the best for her, do you really want her to feel that kind of misery?
And that her stepmother loves her absolutely does NOT diminish your role as her birth/bio mother! No way! Children aren’t baby birds who bond with whomever stuffs worms down their throats. They’re complex, sensitive, feeling people. Sure they respond to kindness and feel happiest around the people that fulfill their needs, but you can’t secure a meaningful kind of love from your daughter by ensuring that you’re the only one she can depend on. Your real significance in your daughter’s life is not based on the exclusivity of your role with her–it’s based on who you are, how you know her, how she knows you. There is only one you, and you are not replaceable.
Try to think of your daughter’s ability to bond with her stepmother as a testament to your wonderful parenting: it shows she is adaptable, secure, open-hearted, and best of all, lovable. That’s wonderful! You’ve done a great job!
Aunt Pillowhead - thanks for your response. Of course - I don’t want my daughter to be miserable or treated with cruelty.
Yes - you are also right - it would be reaffirming to me if my daughter would maintain some loyalty to me and not accept her stepmother as a maternal figure. Accepting her does dimish my role in her life and it hurts greatly.
Bonnie,
I understand the feeling. It’s appropriation of your position and role when the father of your child encourages with your child there are two mothers, instead of just one. It waters it down. Of course there is only one you but when you give birth to your child, the dream is your child will only have one mother, you, in their lifetime. Your child will love all sorts of people but you don’t expect any of these adults in your child’s life to be jockeying for the same position. They typically render respect for you and defer to your judgment on how to raise your child while still loving your child.
I think it’s mixing apples and oranges comparing a stepmother who is disrespectful towards the mother (because she can, she can do it via her husband and under her residential authority), who competes and judges the mother as a parent thinking she can do the job better, and so on, with that of actual third party adults like teachers, preachers or any other adult who comes to love your child. There isn’t a competing interest or disregard for BOTH parent’s wishes.
I don’t know of any biological mother who is adverse to the stepmother loving their child. It is how she goes about it, and with some, they provide insidious reasons for why a biological mother should disregard her gut feeling in response to some valid transgressions by a stepmother. It’s thinly veiled as benign when, at least in my experience, it’s about furthering self-interest only..not my child’s needs. Provocation comes in many forms and faces…and that should get addressed instead of barking carte blanche “solutions” and telling the mother how she should feel about it.
I’m all for my daughter loving her stepmother and vice versa. I definitely don’t want indiffference or apathy towards her. I just don’t enjoy being treated as some peripheral figure in her life when she is with them. I don’t like the complete lack of basic human respect “because they can”. I don’t like the fact I’m marginalized to my daughter, and the attempts to squash her affections for me.
I think it gets missed that many stepmothers are as guilty of alienation as biological mothers…in an attempt to further their own role and relationship with the child. One love has to be somehow superior to another..one woman is more “worthy” than another, and stepmothers are guilty of it too. You see the laundry lists of judgments and how “they do it better”.
When will start addressing stepmothers behaving/thinking poorly as much as biological mothers?
Approrpriation of a biological parents roles doesn’t further the stepparent’s role/relationship but you see it all the time.
I’ve been thinking about Bonnie’s last post for two days now, and what keeps coming back to me is that it is so simple, honest, and brave. I think most of the spite that exists between stepmothers and bio mothers is based in exactly this: sadness, hurt, and fear. Focusing on and criticizing the failings of others can make us feel tougher and superior, and disguise our fear that in the end, we won’t matter, and we will be forgotten, even by the people we love.
But it doesn’t work for long, and not in any meaningful way.
I wish it didn’t feel like disloyalty to you, Bonnie, that your daughter likes her stepmother, but I can understand why it does. Especially since she calls her “mommax” instead of her real name–that seems like a real transgression of boundaries to me, and one that’s completely unnecessary.
What are you doing to take care of yourself and get through this? I would like to hear that from you.
I would also know what people do to take care of themselves when going through these situations. Recently I found out that our son’s father has been “encouraging” him to call his step-mother “mom”. He justified it by telling him that in order for his little brother (5months old) to learn to call his step-mother “mom” that he had to do so as well. My heart just sunk. I had never looked at it in that way. I had thought about when he was older and his little brother was calling her mom and there were other kids in their house calling her mom that he would get confused once in a while, but I never thought they would encourage it or force it on him. For his father to also think that because he himself calls her “mom” around the baby that this would cause our son to do so is really obsurd. I compared it to me calling my own dad “dad”. our son has never called him “dad” simply becase I do, he calls him “Grampa” as that is who he is to him. Anyway, it has been a hard couple of weeks. Of course I have also lost all respect for step-mom as she has encouraged this, but I have to continue to put on a happy face as, if they get mad, our son will be the one to suffer. I definately feel at times that there is a much higher standard of behavior for Bio-moms, as step-moms seem to be viewed as delicate and that bio-mom should treat her kindly and never expect anything in return. I just don’t get it.
Amy
Amy,
I’ve been dealing with this issue for years and here to tell you the feelings don’t go away. You don’t “do something for yourself and get through it” as though your feelings are invalid. In fact, the more I tried to deny my feelings, felt guilty for how I felt as though it was wrong and tried to “overcome” it, the worse I felt.
How I “cope” with it is accepting I can’t control what my child’s father encourages in his home, right or wrong, and my child may be going along with it to show his/her father respect. It goes a bit further with my daughter and it’s emotional survival because she’s emotionally abused if she doesn’t comply but our situation is more the uncommon circumstance, not the norm.
The child may go along with it to feel accepted and a part of that family, and it having nothing to do with thinking the stepmother is “Mom” at all. They don’t want to feel like an outsider while with that side of their family.
My daughter and I sat down and had a heart-to-heart discussion on respect for each other feelings on this issue since my feelings hadn’t dissipated in eight years over it. I’ve listend to hundreds of stepmothers explain to me why I should get comfortable with it, wrestled with trying to change how I felt about it and it didn’t work. We got to the bottom of what we each felt about the issue, why and arrived at a compromise. She can call her stepmother “Mom” but I don’t have to like it. I respect her right to her feelings and reasons why.
The best way to cope is to have an honest, open discussion with your child about it. I think when we suppress and attempt to deny how we feel about it, it only makes the feelings worse.
Figure out why you feel the way you do, be open to a differing perspective about it but in the end, feel and do what you think is best for your child..and only with your child. You won’t get anywhere trying to change your child’s father’s position. He will do what he wants in his home. The sad and often scary part of divorce is that as mothers, we no longer have influence with the other parent.
Best of luck. It’s a soul issue for so many mothers and some stepmothers treat is as though it’s a deficiency in the mother she should overcome.
Runing peripheral: Thanks. I suppose on an intellectual level I know that, and have known it, but I didn’t realize how emotional I would get when confronted with the actual situation. I suppose a great deal of it had to do with the way it came about, not the actual name. I would not “like” it either way, but I could understand it if it was our son’s choice and not his father’s doing. Of course I also made the mistake of telling my feelings to his father and now I am a horrible nasty person. I always try to “remember the source”, when it comes to the horrible way they talk about me. Anyway, after reading all the negativity and sadly participating in some of it, I have come to realize that people believe how they are going to believe. They do what they are going to do, and I have no control over it. I try to get people to see the other side, but the reality not many people want to hear that there is another view or opinion, as if it somehow makes there view less accurate or that they are being judged. I try to remember to that kids will be adults a lot longer than they are children. Thanks again for your words of comfort. This to shall pass:)
Take care,
Amy
Running Peripheral, I understand your feelings, and understand why you need them validated and supported, but I disagree vehemently that involving your child in a discussion about this is a good and healthy solution. In fact, I think that unless your daughter is an adult (and even then the conversation should be a careful one) it is a very, very damaging thing to do. It puts her smack in the middle of an emotionally charged situation and forces her to assume responsibility for this ugly struggle between her parents.
Consider this situation from the child’s point of view: She loves you, she loves her father. Her father is asking her to do one thing. You are telling her that what her father is asking you to do hurts your feelings. So what are her choices now? To respect your wishes and refute her dad, and risk hurting him or making him angry? To ignore your wishes and now knowingly hurt you? To try to accommodate both of you by continuing to respect his wishes but hide this from you?
You are the parent. Your child should NEVER be taking emotional responsibility for you. Her job is not to make you feel better as you struggle with this sad and difficult situation, nor is it to be “loyal” to you by withholding from her father or his wife. Your job as the mother is to put her feelings first and try to make it as happy and comfortable a situation as possible for her by allowing her to form her own relationships there, based on her own feelings, not yours. Calling it “open and honest” to tell her how her father is hurting you makes it sound healthy and enlightened, but it is the exact opposite. There are lots of things we don’t tell our children, not because we are “closed and dishonest” but because burdening them with certain information is inappropriate and unhealthy. If you and your ex-husband had never gotten divorced and had a disagreement within your marriage, would you sit down with your daughter and have an “open and honest” discussion about how he was wrong and you were right, the details of why you fought, and how you would like her to treat him now that you are hurt and angry, to express her loyalty to you? How is this any different?
This is exactly the kind of stuff Mitch Barris writes about in his books “Children of Divorce” and “Caught In The Middle.” When marriages break up and one parent is left feeling humiliated and wronged, all too often that parent uses the children to try to patch the humiliation and even the score. And all this does is compound the guilt, resentment, hurt, and confusion the children are already experiencing.
Turn to other adults for the help you need to get through the difficulty. Don’t turn to your children. Ever.
Amy,
Like you, if the circumstances surrounding the titling were different, where I wasn’t minimized and disrespected every chance the other household had, it may have been a non-issue.
I think the titling issue is symbolic of a much deeper problem: lack of basic respect and treatment of the other household.
I’m treated as a non-entity to my daughter except when it comes to money.
It is difficult to accept the father of your child has no use for you even though you are the mother of his child. There is a complete disregard for your input and an overal lack of respect for you because “he can” in his home. I think really believe in extreme circumstance, stepmother issues are actually poor behaving father issues. A stepmother’s behavior, right or wrong, is an extension of what he does or does not allow in his home.
I fault my child’s father 100% for the problems between the homes. Unless there is an act of God, miracle, in our situation, I do not predict all the parents working together. It will remain parellel parenting until the two most important things occur to make it happen: basic respect extended and some level of trust established.
While I’m more than willing to do my part in it, it cannot be a one-sided effort. I’ve tried it..it doesn’t work. It can’t be one household’s way all the time…or the other..something my daughter’s father’s family hasn’t figured out yet.
So, part of “doing for myself and working through it” is:
1. accepting that some feelings I have are natural and valid
2. accepting what I cannot change on my own
3. respect other people’s learning time table v. my own
4. being happy with what I have right now
5. personal responsibility in the problem (empowerment)
6. modifying my behavior where I can, without compromising to the point it is a fault
7. maintain healthy boundaries with difficult, toxic people
There are some truly remarkable stepmothers out there, like Jill, that I’d cut off my right arm to have in the life of my daughter unlike the one we are dealing with now. There are so many of them that it seems so unfair. It makes me sad knowing we got one of the bad apples.
Aunt Pillowhead,
I’ve heard that conventional wisdom more times than I can count and I disagree with you on some of it.
I wrote a brief, very brief synopsis of how we had that conversation.
It was not one where my child had to placate my feelings but instead a relational lesson I think she needs given the unique variables of our situation.
My daughter is emotionally abused when it comes to me.
We read a book, “Are you there God, it’s me, Margaret”, and it jumpstarted a discussion on a human being’s right to their feelings. Adults are no different than children..and we are not a child-centered family. Every member in our family has a right to their feelings, including my daughter.
Daughter doesn’t live in a vacuum from one home to the next and the only way she is going to be capable of having all the information from one set of parents to the next is to talk to her about it.
It wasn’t a discussion of “your father is evil” but instead a discussion of “Daughter, you have a right to how you feel” and “so do I”…and a compromise made while she is with me.
She doesn’t get that at her father’s home and you should actually see the relief she feels (and communicates) for being allowed to express how she feels.
The only way she knows that is by my example. When she watches adult struggles with feelings that conflict with another member in the family.
Also, if I make a mistake, and put too much on her, I ask her forgiveness.
I don’t think it serves a child to suppress and pretend something is right when it isn’t..or not discussion issues that are hurtful with them.
As I’ve said before, I’ve struggled with this one for eight years. I’ve been on countless stepmother boards for those eight years…hundreds of opinions…listening to a differing perspective. I’ve gone so far as to take your type of advice and suppress..feel guilty for feeling, the way I do.
I finally had to think for myself, for my daughter, and trust I knew how to best handle it with the individuals in my family.
I used the subject of religion…parents having a differing opinion/feelings in the subject from the book, and applies those lessons to this one. I feel one way..daughter is allowed to feel another. The lesson of “her feelings are valid” and “Mom’s are valid”…open, honest dialogue with my child (age appropriate) that models how I would like her to be in her adult life.
She isn’t burdened by it..she was liberated. She doesn’t have a voice at her father’s home..and when the response from her is “I didn’t know I was allowed to feel differently from my parents”..and crying in relief…I think I made the right decision.
Conventional wisdom is not always the right answer…parents have to trust themselves and when people tell you you’re always wrong..you’ll make more mistakes second-guessing, paralyzed in fear of making a mistake…I think that does more of a disservice.
I trust I’m a loving mother, who knows her daughter…her needs. Also, I know I can’t be an effective mother denying my own feelings and suppressing them in my relationship with her.
I’m her model for healthy relationships…how they work. I don’t want her growing up thinking her feelings are the only ones that matter in reciprocal relationships. She is old enough to start learning those lessons.
Aunt Pillowhead and running peripherial thank you for your insight. Although I completely understand what Aunt Pillowhead is saying, I also hear what running peripheral saying and, I feel that it really depends on the child and how the parent presents the information. I don’t go into specific information with our son, but I to find books and other learning tools to help him feel in control of his own feelings. His teacher has a great rule, “don’t ever hurt anyone on the inside and don’t ever hurt anyone on the outside”. If only we all could just follow this simple rule. The reality is that in our situation it is his father who needs to take repsonsibility for placing our child in the position he has. Unfortunately this will never happen, as he always has a justification for why he is right, and why I am inevitably wrong. It is about learning and teaching. I do believe that any situation can be turned in to a learning situation if it is handled the right way. We teach kids how to read by teaching them the sounds of letters and what they look like and how we write them and then form words and sentences etc etc. Teaching a child about divorce and the steps that come with it are no different, it just takes a gentler approach sometimes, It is okay to feel, and everyone, even mom, has feelings. I think as long as a child is not used as an emotional crutch, it is fine to teach them in a way they can make sense to them. Books are wonderful conversation starters.
wonderful dialogue and insight. Thanks
Just my two cents.
Amy
What a great discussion! Everyone has made such eloquent and moving points.
I have been thinking a lot about these very questions:
To what extent do the kids need to know about the worms under the rocks in our adult lives? To what extent is our shadow — or the family shadow — perpetuated by keeping it hidden? Conversely, to what extent is shielding children from a family shadow protecting the children in a responsible way?
It boils down to the same core question: in our relationship with our children, and in our quest to raise them into fully formed, emotionally healthy human beings — to what extent are we allowed to be fully vulnerable and human as well?
This is how I would answer that, I think:
I think we get to be fully human up to, but not past, the point where we injure our children. As the child of a borderline mother, I know all too well how it feels to be a parent’s emotional caretaker, whipping boy, savior and scapegoat, all at the same time. We can’t do that. It’s wrong.
At the same time, swallowing our humanity and our hurt and our hopes and our fears, makes us into plastic dolls, angry and shut off. This is not a person our children can learn anything positive from either. From this they learn that parents aren’t human, are simply rule-makers, cannot be counted on to be clear or coherent in any way that makes sense to their own internal rhythms.
So how do we find this balance? What would be the rules for ascertaining where to draw that fine line? How do we get to grow and evolve and deal with our hurt and anger, while still being a rock and a support for our children?
I’d like to know your thoughts. I’m dealing with a similar issue and you are such wise, sensitive women. Whatcha think?
I think you answered your own questions Kathy. Well said.
I have been reading a good book called “The Power of Now: A guide to spiritual enlightenment” written by Eckhart Tolle. A lot of the concepts have been very relevant and have helped me to see things in a different light.
I believe we find balance by doing exactly what we are doing: communicating. Trying to listen to other POVs and take it all in and process it and believe in ourselves as reasonably intelligent women to make a “good enough” decision. We are not perfect. When I get angry with all the chaos I try to always remember this story:
http://www.care2.com/greenliving/nails-in-fence-anger-story.html
Amy
Here is another good story:) I also read these to my son.
http://www.xanga.com/JasonFX/132220382/item.html
Amy
I’m wondering, Running Peripheral and Amy, if we’re talking about two different things here. Just to be clear, what I meant was that I believe it’s never appropriate to talk about any negative feelings about your ex-spouse and the stepparent with your child. Barring prosecutable abuse or neglect, in which case you would be taking legal action to protect them, I believe you should never tell your child that you think what happens in the other parent’s house is wrong, or that it hurts, angers, or makes you sad. You can be honest by saying simply that you don’t agree with it, and that you have chosen a different way. And then you can stop there.
Talking about the CHILD’s feelings is different, but even then, caring parents should direct the child to solutions, rather than indulging in any kind of victimized commiseration. In other words, validating, rather than agreeing with and exploiting the feelings. (”I understand that bothers you. Why do you think they do it that way?” instead of “Your dad has always only thought of himself, that’s the same problem I had when I was married to him.”)
I don’t believe it’s healthy to suppress feelings; neither do I believe they should be freely expressed anywhere and anytime with anyone, just because they’re honest.
In fact, I hear a lot of people try to justify the hurtful things they say by cloaking them in a false virtue of “healthy” honesty. As though being able to criticize and insult others requires some kind of enlightened courage! Sometimes it takes more courage to examine your real motive, find a bigger place to direct your energy, and employ compassionate restraint instead.
The audience for your anger and indignation about your ex-spouse and his new wife is other adults–blogs, friends, therapists, relatives. Not your child. I don’t care how good it makes you feel, or how good you think it’s making her feel, to explore with her the things you don’t like about him and the home he is providing her. I challenge you to find even one child psychologist who won’t tell you this is divisive, damaging, and not, in any way, in the child’s best interest.
Aunt pillowhead, when I read your views from a distance I agree, but I sense a lot of anger. It is always okay to have an opinion and maybe even be right, but other people do things differently. From what I read from running peripheral she didn’t do anything damaging to her child and knows when to stop, but sometimes we all cross the line and being able see that in ourselves and to apologize to our children shows humility and allows them to see that beyond being their parent, we are human. Unfortunately what I read from hers and how my situation is, it is a reaction to a bad situation. It is noble to think that we can just take it, and take it, and take it, but the reality is our children’s fathers crossed the line, putting us in a very awkward and hard position. When faced with my situation with our son being encouraged to call his step-mom “mom” I listened to him and he was hurt, he was torn in two, not knowing what to do or who to please. I let him know that it is okay to do what feels good to him. He should not be made to feel that he has to please myself or his dad, but at his age he is wanting to please everyone. His father took advantage of that and that is wrong. Sometimes you don’t have to say mean things to be hurtful. Encouraging a child to do something that you know will cause stress for the other household is wrong. Should his father have done that. NO. So I am in a terrible position. If I don’t back up his father’s POV then I create even more tension for our son, yet I don’t agree with his POV. So what do I do? I tried talking to his father and that went nowhere, so I found some books and allowed the conversation to take it’s course. He was relieved to hear that it is okay to think differently and that sometimes no one is right and no one is wrong, just different. He knows I am not mad at him and he did nothing wrong. I thanked him for talking to me and we went and played. Depsite what his father has tried to do to our relationship, we are strong and he is one great kid. It is not so much in saying or not saying anything as the way it is said.
Amy
The philosophy of parenting that has most influenced me is Parent Effectiveness Training. It’s a model of communication that works amazingly, tremendously, almost miraculously well.
One of the basic tenets of P.E.T. is that people are people. Being consistent is impossible. We have days with high tolerance for things and days where the same things drive us up the wall. The key is to not make these inconsistencies your child’s problem. Take responsibility for your stuff, and give the child the ability to voice his/her feelings in an atmosphere of listening and consideration.
By allowing our children to see us as human, it gives them a model for how to be human themselves. Again, this does not mean it’s permissible to go on a drunken bender, kick the dog, make prank calls to the ex, and then excuse it all with a “hey, sorry… that PMS you know… bummer.” I mean, you have to have some responsibility here.
Every situation is different. And I agree with both these points of view. The child should not be put in the middle of an emotional battleground and forced to pick sides. AND the child should not be left in the dark wondering why his mother is always smoldering with unspoken anger, or closed off, or whatever the secondary/tertiary effects of the situation are. The child then internalizes the tension, takes it as his fault the problems exist, and a whole new set of problems are born.
Giving the child license and ability to be his own person is priceless. From us, they need to learn the lessons of life that (perhaps) they’re not learning from their father: how to be compassionate, how to be gentle with themselves, how to have their own internal compass, how to be real.
By being the best person we can be, as authentically as possible, and keeping a stream of communication going as honestly as we can… that’s what will grow these kids up into being happy, whole adults, and good parents (eventually) in their own time.
Kathy,
Thank you for the book recommendation. I’ll pick it up and read it.
I never said while having open, honest diaglogue with my daughter that it was rationalization for making it an adult baggage dumping ground. However, I am human and my daughter doesn’t live in a vacuum. When SHE says or does things that are hurtful, and it’s an ongoing issue of respect for me…between just the two of us, I think it is appropriate to address it. I used the subject of religion as a good example of differing opinion, beliefs and feelings on a subject and moved it into some touchy blended family subjects that needed to be addressed between the two of us.
I am human. You are correct..some days I can do everything right according to conventional wisdom and there are days I fall short. All parents falls short at times..it’s human nature and to be expected. We seek to achieve the ideal but leave room to be kind to ourselves when we inevitably make mistakes and there are plenty to be made in blended family living.
Also, parents are on a perpetual learning curve. The balance comes from parents who truly love their children and will do everything within their power, and to their knowledge at any moment in time, to do right by them.
Kathy,
I’ve been mulling over these questions all night and wondering if there is a one-size-fits-all answer to it. I doubt it. Our families are so individual and unique. What works for one family, or parent, doesn’t work for another.
So how do we find this balance? By trusting that our love for our child will eventually guide us to what is best for each individual child in our family. When we properly assess our motivations in conjunction to their individual needs, we arrive at our answer. I think parents are built for such assessments..at least, the one who truly behavioralize love and affection for their child. I think it is the exception to the rule that parents don’t do this even though someone who holds a different point of view may not agree. That’s why I think it’s dangerous terrritory to spend too much time judging how parents do their job of raising children. It may simply be a differing parenting style and some may not catch the lessons the parent is trying to engender within their children.
What would be the rules for ascertaining where to draw that fine line?
Again, there are no carte blanche rules applied to all families on how to best meet the needs of individual children. What works for my child may not work for yours because of personality type, emotional needs, and so on. I think you have it right that so long as a parent’s goal is not to injure their child, that they do everything out of love, typically a parent is on the right course. I think most parents intrinsically know what is best for their child. Parents also know their limitations and factor that in when guiding and teaching. Mistakes will always get made but if parents learn from those mistakes, and understand how they came to pass, they might avoid repeating them. But I think being paralyzed in fear of walking that fine line, following your gut, doesn’t serve children either. Risk making the mistakes but with the knowledge you are doing the very best you can with unique variables in your family…and in love.
How do we get to grow and evolve and deal with our hurt and anger, while still being a rock and a support for our children?
Speaking for myself, I started seeking out a differing POV, the stepmother point of view. I was white hot angry for a long time and the only safe place I could get it out was on a stepmother messageboard. At first, I lumped all stepmothers together as though they were one and the same with the one in my daughter’s life..by proxy, my life. I spent eight years there and evolved…for me, I needed to understand the insanity…the unnatural. I needed to know I wasn’t alone in a high conflict, toxic situation. Eventually, I relaxed and was taught to trust myself. I’d been judged for so long I spent much time overanalzying everything I did, feeling guilty and simply not trusting I was a good mother. It took hundreds of stepmothers, over the course of eight years, to help me realize I am a good mother and trust my gut because it was usually spot-on 98% of the time. I built real life friendships with these stepmothers, used them as my sanity check when I had to make a decision and then finally was able to trust myself as a parent even if my internal wisdom ran counter to the majority. What I learned is I know my child best.
It was through understanding almost every angle of most pitfalls in blended family living, my side of it and the other…that I became confidently informed.
I realized there are some convictions I hold that won’t change, much like choice in religious beliefs. There are some subjects I’ve explored in depth and haven’t waivered in opinion. There are some that when given new information, I definitely changed my view point. While the hurt of knowing the father of my firstborn finds me replaceable, I find his opinion isn’t credible. It’s riddled with his own psychological baggage. I worked through the intense hurt, and used it to be a better mother to my child. The experience is a tool I use to teach when my daughter is confronted with some hard choices. Some of these life issues are truly temporary, and so long as I remain fluid, accept the impermanence life offers…in relationships or things, I know I can be what she needs as a guide.
I think at times children need to learn the lessons of how to struggle and get through it by modeled behavior. I think they need to hear parents admit when they are wrong, as much as when they are right especially when a child does it right…and the parent had it wrong. I think when there are issues within a parent-child relationship that are hurting that relationship..those issues need to be addressed between the two of them especially when an outsider of that relationship is trying to influence its direction. I think that some lies need to get addressed for a child’s overall, long-term benefit. For instance, when a child is lead to believe its mother hasn’t called in two weeks (and the truth is that the phone calls have been obstructed by the other parent)…is it in their best interest to keep them believing that so as to not say something negative about the other parent? I think a child’s need for both parents, active in their lives, takes priority..the child KNOWING that truth. I think it can be addressed without bashing the other parent but the truth does reveal, subtly, the problem.
I could continue but this is already too long. I just think some situations are more slippery to traverse than others..the fine line becomes blurred. Although all of us have our own perspective, our own bias…I think if we look at any problem comprehensively, from both sides of it and act out of love, we are at least on the right road.
Loving this conversation. It is a testament to why it is so important that WE need to always be having a conversation about divorce. And its aftermath. Especially when children are in the picture. Sharing a child with someone who you least want to share anything (let alone a human being) with certainly tests our souls and humanity on a daily basis. I think every issue needs to be “judged” on how we handle it independently. I don’t think we blanket any rules here. Some issues need to be addressed. And someone on this thread said it: it is not that we discuss it with our children but HOW we discuss it. I’ve been asked over and over “what if my children someday find and listen to my podcast someday?” I think Kathy eloquently answers my response to this question. My children will discover I am human and I have a full range of emotions. That cannot be a bad lesson to learn in life.
This statement from running peripheral’s post sums up what I don’t understand - “I think a child’s need for both parents, active in their lives, takes priority..”.
If my daughter has developed a relationship with her stepmother and all ready refers to as mommax - does she really need me in her life? It is hard to understand how she could - in less than three years - feel that she is of equal standing in her life as I am.
Maybe since her father and stepmother can give her the family she deserves - maybe I should just step aside.
Bonnie -
I simply don’t see love working like that. I don’t see love as a finite amount of substance that “tops off” after a certain point. There’s always… ALWAYS… more room in our lives for people to love us. And there’s always room in our hearts to give love.
It’s like seeing love as a lake instead of a river. I see it as an endless flow that is just waiting to move its energy between people. I don’t see it as a pool that can be tapped out if too many people access it, or as something that can get “full enough” and then be done filling up.
Just because two people love your daughter doesn’t mean that the “male parent figure” and “female parent figure” checkboxes are checked and you’re now extraneous. Do you really believe that she would not need or want as much love in her life as possible?
I once saw a little child, like maybe 3 years old, fall out of a shopping cart. The second he landed, the first thing he did was look up at his mother to see if she was mad at him. Our parents’ love and approval and reaction to us is FAR more important, at least for the first 10 years, than our own judgment about ourselves.
To me it looks like you’ve got to make a choice: You can take all this personally and let your ego be wounded, or you can just simply continue to love your daughter. You don’t have to like anything else about the situation, but your daughter needs YOU, and YOUR love. I just don’t believe there can be too much care and compassion in anyone’s life.
Bonnie,
I have some passionate, subjective and completely inexpert beliefs I want to share with you; I hope they offer you some comfort and strength.
Yes, children need loving, selfless parenting, and yes, ideally, this comes from both of their parents. And you are one of those parents: the mother. There is no other mother. The stepmother might be the most beautiful, funniest, warmest, wisest, kindest and saintly woman in the world, it doesn’t matter. She is not you. She cannot replace you. She will never have your spot in your daughter’s heart. Even if it seems as though your daughter is smitten and distracted by the energy and fun that might be happening in her dad’s house, she needs you. Even when she is a teenager, hating and resenting you with every ounce of her being, she needs you. Even when she grows up and moves away and doesn’t call you for weeks at a time, she needs you. That’s the thing about the role of parent–it is uniquely primal, in the truest sense of the word.
And there is room in your daughter’s heart for all kinds of love–it’s not a finite vessel. You don’t need to “step aside” to make room for love she feels for anyone else in her life.
I asked you what you are doing for yourself because you seem completely heartbroken. Do you have a support system around you? Are there people in your life you can turn to for counsel and help?
Kathy,
For the sake of open, honest dialogue, I ask this with the utmost respect in mind…but wanting to explore insecurities more in depth.
Where does parental manipulation and alienation enter into your counsel? Children are easily influenced by their parents as well as seeking uncondtional love.
You are in a situation where the father and the stepmother respect your place in your boys lives. You don’t have two adults actively trying to sabotage your relationship with them when they are with them.
I don’t think it is as simple as explaining how much love a child has to give when the reality is children can be alienated against one parent by the other. I do think the titling issue is symbolic of that kind of behavior in some homes. The insecurities are in response to a valid threat to one’s parent-child relationship.
If I were in your situation, there wouldn’t be any insecurities because I could trust the father and stepmother are priortizing ALL relationships the child holds as vital. It goes beyond a difference in parenting style or perspective with some of our situations. There is valid concern. A court can’t effectively handle this either. It’s a social problem within some blended families. You are fortunate the father and stepmother respect your input…want it.
Again, I will say it. I don’t think it’s about love at all but fear of one household trying to destroy the relationships of other parents through alienation and emotional abuse. The Mom titling is simply a symptom to a bigger problem. If the underlying problem of lack of respect and malicioius behavior weren’t present, I think many of the so-called surface problems wouldn’t be vehemently argued.
Aunt Pillowhead and Kathy - thank you for your responses. I admire you both because you seemed to have worked your way to this place with your stepmothers. Both posts have many valid points and I will try to grasp them - even though it may take a while.
Aunt Pillowhead - I have great parents and one sister and they have been wonderful and very supportive. I am also lucky to have some great friends also. I am fortunate to have a job that allows me to support myself and my daughter. I have also recently started counseling with a therapist - so I hope that will help.
Hi Bonnie, I completely agree that no one can ever take the place of the biological parents — and that if you were to step aside it would be a huge, painful loss for your daughter. Your daughter needs you. She needs her mom. You. My guess would be that the names she calls you and her stepmom don’t really change things in your daughter’s mind at all. My guess would be that while she accepts her stepmom’s parental role in her life and loves her, she knows that having an extra parent doesn’t mean she has an extra one of what you are to her. That said, I have never encouraged the kids to call me anything other than Jill — not because I thought there was any chance of them getting confused, but out of respect for Kathy. I don’t see myself as another mom. I see myself as another parent. Another female parent. But not another mom.
Jill,
It is truly amazing the way you are able to truly “get it”. It seems that you are able to see the simplicity in it and it really helps in making everyone’s life easier. I think that names really can create animosity. Like I have said, I understand it on an intellectual level, but emotions run strong when we feel that we are being disregarded as a parent. I can read, and read, and read, and understand that it is okay, but until I was faced with the situation I did not know how my reaction would be. I am still trying to make some sense of it, but my gut is in knots. Thank you, thank you, thank you for “getting it” and having so much respect for Kathy and Kathy for having so much respect for you. Most of all for having respect for the children.
Bonnie,
Counseling is a wonderful outlet. There is only so much that friends, family, books or soul seraching can do to help, but giving yourself the opportunity to sit with a “professional ear” is truly commendable. I used to feel the same way. I too sat with a counselor to work through my feelings regarding our situation. I noticed that I was becoming overwhlemed and took proactive action. If anything I was lucky enough to come across a very good person who happened to be “counselor”. I gave it a good year, sometimes it helped sometimes not, but I felt like I was doing something. Like I was taking control of my own feelings and doing something active to deal with them. Good for you!
Amy
Kathy,
If you didn’t have a father and stepmother who respected your place in your boys’ lives, actively tried to sabotage your relationship with them, irrationally judgmental over every little thing you did..how would you feel? Would you still feel alright with the situation?
Does a mother or father simply “let it go” and ignore how they feel about it?
Dear Running Peripheral –
Oh god, this has not always been perfect. I hope no one reading this thinks that our situation is without its problems.
There have been many many times that I have contemplated going to a lawyer (our original divorce was done ourselves), suing for full custody and walking away from the whole deal. I can’t tell you how close it gets to being a full on jihad with me holding the bloody sword over all our heads. Trust me on this: it’s not always been perfect.
So, yes, I’ve been white-hot angry at times when I felt that there was no respect for me or my place in the children’s lives. It’s an enraging place to be in. I can barely see straight when I feel like that is happening. It’s primal, it’s deep, it’s core.
To date, however, I haven’t gone ballistic. And I’m trying to think of what the factors are that have kept me from really losing it. I think some of the ingredients go like this:
1) I have an excellent therapist.
2) I have some really great girlfriends.
3) I have a creative life that sustains me and gives me a spark that is not wrapped up solely in my kids.
4) And lastly — but most importantly — I believe the kids need their father in their lives. My dad left me numerous times when I was a kid (eight marriages between my two parents) and I never got to know him until I was 23. So no matter who or what the father is, I believe children need to know who he is and make their peace with him. A balance needs to exist.
I don’t know how else to say this: it’s simply never great. The family structure is SO much easier when it’s the “traditional” format. No one in our situation feels like all their needs are met. That goes for every adult and every child involved.
And yet, in the big picture, we kind of have to trust in the bigger truths, I believe:
The truth that taking the high road will prove to be better in the long run than succumbing to feeding immediate needs.
The truth that our kids are intuitive and smart and can see what is really going on, despite whatever obfuscations and stories they’re being fed (by any of us.)
The truth that our kids love us, which is the bottom line. And that they will love BOTH their parents no matter, really, what we do. Our job is to just try to honor that and keep it breathing and healthy to the best extent possible.
Give it all a lot of space, is my best advice, from my own life. If it’s just intolerable, focus on something else for awhile. R has taught me this way of looking at things: a teaspoon of salt in a cup of water is pretty noticeable. That same teaspoon of salt in a gallon jug, or a bathtub, or a lake becomes infinitely less powerful. It’s still there. But it just loses its potency.
Give it space. Give yourself room to breathe. And remember that things change over time.
That’s way different from ignoring or letting it go. I believe (I trust, I hope) that you can honor all of it, and still not let it hijack your life.
I’ve sat on this for a couple of days and I’m not sure I’ll ever complete it… so here you go. Hope it helps!
Kathy,
First and foremost, I appreciate the fact you are real and honest in your response. If you don’t mind, I would like to save it and read it often when the circumstances of my family life are overwhelmingly unfair.
I think you reach a lot of people admitting it is just flat difficult but still hold onto the conviction children’s needs must to a priority. At least you allow others to know they aren’t alone in the struggle…you’re not self-righteous..your humility helps others relate since you have done (with Jill) what others aren’t capable of accomplishing in their lives (including me).
Perhaps someday if the stepmother ever shows me an ounce of basic respect she’d extend to a perfect stranger, I might have a place to start. For now, I simply behavioralize respect for boundaries while maintaining my own…at least it’s a start. It’s not ostentatious, it’s honest on all fronts, to include where my rights start as well.
I do think some really need the conflict for emotional comfort and I pray somehow that need will dissipate someday.
Again, thank you for your honesty. I read your blog religiously…both you and Jill are an inspiration but more importantly frank about the realities of blending where the rest of us can relate.
I don’t believe court solves the problems…not the real issues anyway. That work has to be done by the adults, all of them.
Dear RP -
Thank you for your words. Something just leapt out at me that I really love and would love to address:
>I do think some really need the conflict for emotional comfort and I pray somehow that need will dissipate someday.
You know how in the movies there always has to be external conflict to keep the story together? If it’s a romantic comedy, the guy and girl fight and hate each other and all that stuff, until they realize they’re really in love with each other, at which point WHAM! in comes the gestapo and they now have to fight their way out of an external situation.
I really think you’ve hit on something here. I think — in many stories at least — there’s a deep emotional need for a bad guy. In this story (the mom/step-mom story) it is almost always the other woman. It’s just so easy, isn’t it? When the bio mom becomes the gestapo, it promotes the illusion that everything is safe and cozy within the new relationship.
Unfortunately — and fortunately — it doesn’t work that way. Safety in a relationship comes not from a screenplay that demands an external villain… it comes from within. Just as our safety does. It’s not the glamorous way, it’s not the easy way… it’s the only way.
The only road is the long road… towards internal integrity, towards trust, and towards outward understanding and compassion.
That goes for all of us. It’s just not as easy at it looks to be on screen.
Thank you so much for writing.
Kathy,
I agree. We are all guilty of it because it is a natural crutch. The more I confront my own demons, the more I can evolve towards the internal integrity you speak of, and when genuine healing from real or perceived wounds can start.
Also, I have to wonder how much of the problems I perceive are really just a stepmother struggling and making human mistakes too. I’ve given that a tremendous amount of thought. If I want some empathy while I struggle to evolve, why is that denied the other woman? Why are her faults and mistakes magnified? Is it because I want the world to know how much she’s wounded me, and exploit it for whatever validation for my perspective I’m seeking?
These are the hard questions. These are the ugly truths very few want to personally confront within themselves. It is why when I read others, I see it clearly (and consider toxic and difficult if I suggest it for someone else) but then I have to turn that back around one me…am I also guilty of it. Yes.
My struggle has been combating my human nature for my goal of achieving ideal. It’s difficult to acknowledge you fall short and that you have to allow others the same room…even if they hurt you or your children. It’s difficult to distinguish where the line is when you should act or back off.
It’s difficult to accept your dreams with your child took an unnatural detour..and you must adapt to those changes while internally screaming, finding natural responses are your worst enemy.
Thank you for letting me comment on your blog…and for the very refreshing dialogue on these issues. It helps more than you know.
Jill - I appreciate the fact that - as a stepmother - you feel that the bio mother still has a role in her child’s life. It also sounds like you respect Kathy - and have not tried to replace her in her kid’s lives. I also think it is admirable that you didn’t encourage the kids to call you mom out of respect for Kathy.
Unfortunately - that is not my situation. It hurts that my daughter acknowledges her stepmother as a maternal figure - but that is her choice. I guess Kathy is correct that I will just have to accept this betrayal by my daughter.
Bonnie,
The stepmother *is* a maternal figure. That, however, does not make her MOM. I am a bio mama. I know the sting of having THE OTHERS raise my children every other weekend. Deep, deep inside my core the bear instinct Kathy wrote about, stirs and churns and whips about. And I know that is only human. And so I accept it and allow it. And I know all to well what it would be like if the “stepmom” (it is really a live-in girlfriend in my situation….just semantics, though) didn’t play a maternal role. I know that would be so much worse for my children. If that were the case, the children would feel rejection, anger, self-doubt, etc. So I keep the churning feelings in a deep place inside. They exist. I acknowledge that. But the big picture is about love. FOR MY CHILDREN. And the heart can never EVER have too much love. Maternal Figure does not equal Mama. And speaking of math, this is not an algebraic equation where there is a finite sphere of love. Having another maternal figure does not negate your role as MOM. Don’t give them that power.
Bonnie -
Your daughter’s affection for someone else is not a betrayal of YOU, and I would never couch it in those terms. We all love many people in our lives — our parents, our siblings, our friends, our partners, our children. Every love is unique and full and (usually) absolutely appropriate.
No one love negates another. Someday your daughter is going to love a romantic partner, and someday she may love her own children. Are you going to feel that those are betrayals? Hopefully not, for both yours and your daughter’s sake.
Loving is how the world works. It’s the thing that keeps us human and whole. We have big hearts and they connect to many people. That’s good. That’s appropriate. To make the way her heart is working into your personal issue, a betrayal of YOU, is very simply not a workable situation for either one of you. No one wants to feel that their loving is going to cause someone else pain, or that they’re going to suffer in some way because of it.
I’m not saying at all that you have to swallow your pain or negate your fear that you’re losing your daughter. I am urging that you find some solace for yourself so that every moment doesn’t feel so fraught with loss. You haven’t lost her. Her heart is simply open to other people as well as you.
Hang in there. I don’t know how long this has been going on for you but it does get better. And then it gets a little bit worse. And then it gets a lot better again. It goes in spirals and, overall, time is on our side.
I think sometimes we get love mixed up. Kids love unconditionally, they (hopefully) know no other type of love. Adults LEARN conditional love. Betrayal comes from conditional love, not unconditional love. Bonnie your daughter loves you and her step-mom and that is okay. It may hurt sometimes, but the love is the okay part. Separating the love from the disrespect and disregard for one as a parent is what is hard. I felt last night for the first time in years as bad as I felt when I was married. I could not stop crying. My ex husband found a new way to get to me and sadly, because step-mom does not know our history, she backs him up and the hurt is doubled. Emotional abuse is very subtle and it is easy to make a very capable and sane person look insane to the outside eye. He does it with a smile on his face, and now I have her smiling along with him. Today I woke up and realized I do not have to wake up next to him and I breathe a sigh of relief. It is over for now. So does it hurt …YES. It hurts to think that our son could love the kind of people who would precipitate this type of hurt with a smile. Yet he loves and he does so unconditionally. My only job is to make sure I don’t add conditions to how he loves or who he loves. It is hard, but it is okay. Be proud to be a parent of a child that can love without conditions.
I can’t speak for Bonnie’s situation but not all fathers and stepmothers are created equally.
Again, I will say it. There are some situations were the concerns is real and valid. There are substantiated cases of parental alienation done not by the mother (or stepfather, if in the picture) but the father and stepmother.
I think it is more complicated than just the child unconditionally loving parents. I think children can be thoroughly manipulated and negatively influenced into believing one parent (or step) or the other is all evil, and question their love for that parent.
While this is not the norm, I don’t find comfort in the whole “unconditional love” counsel when I face a reality where a father and stepmother have primary influence that isn’t healthy. Fortunately, I may be one of the lucky ones through hard work and persistence not to let those influences take hold but there are some parents who are not so fortunate.
We hear all the time how stepmothers are stigmatized but reverse discrimination and prejudice is ever-present against mothers these days as well.
Malicious parenting is not solely owned by mothers. It’s a valid concern on both sides of the equation.
Don’t know if this is true for Bonnie but I know quite a few mothers who have endured it at a father’s and stepmother’s hands.
I didn’t have time to read all the comments on this post, so forgive me if my thoughts appear redundant.
There are many different kinds of love, and not all of them leave stars in our eyes. It IS love to sacrifice for children in your care—to put their interests above yours when the situation necessitates it.
I think the hardest thing for people to come to terms with is that the kind of protective love we feel for our biological children doesn’t come with the price tag the love we feel for other children does.
Stepparents need to try and refrain from holding themselves to a standard that is impossible to meet. No amount of wishing can turn you into the biological parent you are not, and no amount of wishing can fabricate the love that is born with our children.
Kathy - of course I don’t feel that my daughter’s love for her romantic partner or her child would be betrayals. I view her relationship with her stepmother as a betrayal of our relationship. Comparing these two things is like comparing apples and oranges.
I have a great relationship with my mother and can’t even imagine considering replacing her as my daughter is replacing me.
I was following these comments almost like a tennis match or political debate, back & forth, not knowing what to think or conclude. But, Jill, you came out of hibernation with your comment which has provided some center for me in this discussion.
One other thing I sense here is a feeling of loss. Or, a fear of losing something. Maybe it would be easier if we thought how we could contribute to the family & child dynamic - to emphasize how we can add or strengthen one another.
I think what it comes down to is that we are all allowed to feel how we feel in each situation. Everyone has their view and most times our view is based in truth of how we feel about our individual situations. There are many vicious and malicious people in this world. Some happen to be mothers, some fathers, some step-mothers or fathers and a whole hosts of other roles these people play. Many of us play different roles through out our lives. Some we are proud of and others we may not like to ever admit to, but they are all part of our individual worlds and our thoughts and feelings and are true in our individual worlds. It can be crazy making from the other side, but God willing with patience and hard hard work we will find a way to be okay. I don’t know. As hard as it is; it can come down to acceptance. We don’t have to respect others views when they are clearly hurting others, but when there is no clear evidence of hurt, sometimes, although we still don’t respect it; we have to accept it as it is. I talked about emotional abuse above, this is why this form of abuse is so very hard to prove. In many cases we and those that are close to us are the only ones who can see it, and those perpetrating it will likely never admit to it and will try to make the person they are emotionally abusing look like they are mentally ill. When children are involved it is even harder to distinguish, because playing on these very personal and emotion laden issues is very individual. It is often called ” malicious mother syndrome” or “PAS” and it hurts to have these lables only associated with mothers as there are many fathers and Step-parents who perpetrate as well. It is hard. Keep focused and remember we do really only have control over ourselves.
my 2 cents
Amy
Amy
Wow, a lot has been said here that I totally agree with. And I can see how, on both sides, there’s plenty of room to feel jerked around. What prompted me to write was Bonnie’s statement about feeling how her daughter’s relationship with the stepmom is a betrayal of their relationship with each other.
I remember what it was like, early on, when my two daughters started responding positively to their stepmom. I panicked. I had all kinds of wild, irrational thoughts along the lines of: now I’m going to lose them, they’re going to want to go live with their dad since living with me is filled with drudgery and routine, etc. I also felt secretly defensive and frightened because I felt as if the stepmom’s good points only served to highlight the things I was doing wrong as a mother (and aren’t there always “things”? they keep us awake at night!). As other folks have described here, my reaction was immediate, from the gut, and almost unbearable.
It took me a while to realize that my daughters could have a relationship with their stepmom, even a good one, and it didn’t have to mean one, single thing about OUR relationship. The more I did an honest assessment of what was good between US, the more I could relax about what happened over at their dad’s house. I knew that sometimes I was the subject of negative conversation at their dad’s. And there were many times when I felt outranked and outnumbered. But the only thing I could really do was make sure my relationship with each of my children was strong, clear, loving and genuine. That was all that remained within my control. Not what happened over at the other house.
My fear, Bonnie, is that you are placing an undue burden on your daughter. Unless SHE feels a certain way first about her stepmom, you will not allow yourself to feel at peace with your daughter. That’s too much for a little child to bear! I don’t want to sound as if I’m making you wrong for what you feel, because, I understand - it hurts. I just hope you can find a way to shift that weight from her shoulders back to yours…. And then, I wish you the best in healing your pain, with kindness for your self and much compassion.
Jennifer
I appreciate what you said and you are right - I need to find a way to “shift that weight from her shoulders back to mine” - so I will. Since she has chosen to have a relationship with her stepmother and refer to as a maternal figure - there isn’t really anything I can do. I will step aside.
Bonnie,
It isn’t an either/or situation. I don’t know how anyone can say it more eloquently than Jennfier but the success and failure of parent-child relationships are not dependent on the success and failure of other ones to a shared child.
Your relationship with your child is not at risk just because your child has a meaningful relationship with a stepparent. Also, a good relationship with a stepparent doesn’t indicate there is something wrong in your relationship. They are mutually excluse and NOT dependent on each other. They are uniquely different…they are two very different roles with some similiar characteristics, but not all.
If you step aside, know that it is a choice you are making, not something that was done to your relationship by a third party to it. The stepmother nor your daughter will not own responsibility for that decision…you will. It will be solely your doing unnecessarily. I don’t know how to say that gently without losing the message but it your choice at this point.
“uniquely different”… I love it. Bonnie I wonder.. is it the love you are having trouble with or the name? I too struggle with this. I have always felt that there is more than enough love to share and the more we people we have to love and that love us the better, but the name… now that hurts. We are all “uniquely different” as is every relationship. We only have one “mom” and one “dad” and these names are so sacred. Having a maternal figure or paternal figure is awsome, but the use of the words “mom” and “dad” hold so much emotion that when we hear a child using any form of the names reagarding someone else it knocks the wind out of us.
Having said that, as Jennifer said, it is very important to find a way to deal with the hurt and not hold it against your daughter, or her step-parent or her father. As much as it hurts and (as far as I am concerned) shows a total lack of respect for you as “mom”, it is still their choice to raise your daughter how they see fit in their household, as long as it is not hurting your daughter.
Know there are many of us our here who do empathize with you and understand the hurt. For you and your daughter you will do what you feel is right. Like running peripheral said, it is your choice. Even though the options may not be desirable either way, the choice you make is your own. No one can take that away from you. Hang in there.
Amy
Bonnie wrote: Since she has chosen to have a relationship with her stepmother and refer to as a maternal figure - there isn’t really anything I can do. I will step aside.
********************
But wait! What do you mean by saying you’ll “step aside?” Step aside how, exactly? Are you saying you will let the stepmom fill the maternal role and you will just fade into the background? How old is your daughter (sorry, I may have missed this above)? Just wanting to understand….
Also, I dug up on old essay I wrote on this very same topic. Hope it doesn’t seem too “self-promoting” to post this, but older words say it a lot better than I can now. The essay is on AustinMama, a really great site that’s now defunct (or at least hibernating):