Comments on: Stepmom blues http://www.thedhx.com/2008/07/23/stepmom-blues/ A mom and a stepmom share stories, ideas, friendship and family Tue, 06 Jan 2009 21:42:55 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.7 hourly 1 By: Jill http://www.thedhx.com/2008/07/23/stepmom-blues/comment-page-1/#comment-1823 Jill Tue, 29 Jul 2008 00:23:24 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/?p=624#comment-1823 Hi Mike, thanks! Yeah, it's usually at kid-oriented events, mostly with moms. Men don't usually seem to care one way or the other -- it doesn't seem to phase them. Hi Amy, that is really enlightening! I did not know that single moms get the weird outsider vibe, too. That puts things in an interesting light. "We shouldn’t be feared. We should be thanked, over and over again." -- Amen, lucky13! High five. Thanks for your comments everybody. Hi Mike, thanks! Yeah, it’s usually at kid-oriented events, mostly with moms. Men don’t usually seem to care one way or the other — it doesn’t seem to phase them.

Hi Amy, that is really enlightening! I did not know that single moms get the weird outsider vibe, too. That puts things in an interesting light.

“We shouldn’t be feared. We should be thanked, over and over again.” — Amen, lucky13! High five.

Thanks for your comments everybody.

]]> By: Petrea http://www.thedhx.com/2008/07/23/stepmom-blues/comment-page-1/#comment-1814 Petrea Sun, 27 Jul 2008 22:12:29 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/?p=624#comment-1814 I suspect some of these preconceived notions were preconceived very long ago. You used the phrase, "people...as scary symbols" and it sparked a thought of Cinderella's cruel stepmother and ugly stepsisters: archetypal characters from fairy tales; old stereotypes so embedded in our thinking we don't even know we're thinking of them; ancient memes that should be dead, alive in our collective psyche. As Amy said, unfortunately we have a long way to go, especially when such thoughts are so deeply ingrained. I wish I had solutions to offer. I only know that you, Kathy, G and the children are living your own solution. I suspect some of these preconceived notions were preconceived very long ago. You used the phrase, “people…as scary symbols” and it sparked a thought of Cinderella’s cruel stepmother and ugly stepsisters: archetypal characters from fairy tales; old stereotypes so embedded in our thinking we don’t even know we’re thinking of them; ancient memes that should be dead, alive in our collective psyche.

As Amy said, unfortunately we have a long way to go, especially when such thoughts are so deeply ingrained.

I wish I had solutions to offer. I only know that you, Kathy, G and the children are living your own solution.

]]> By: Mike http://www.thedhx.com/2008/07/23/stepmom-blues/comment-page-1/#comment-1812 Mike Sun, 27 Jul 2008 05:17:42 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/?p=624#comment-1812 Jill, i've only you met you once. The 15 min we shared together was positive & you definitely were helpful. If you had then disclosed to me that you were a stepmom, my opinion of you wouldn't have been any less positive. Actually, it would have perked my interest in you. I would have wanted to talk even more with you. Are these initial negative responses to you overwhelmingly from women? Ultimately, we can't determine how others will respond to us. We just be the best person we can be and let other peoples responses fall where they fall. Jill, you are one good woman! Jill, i’ve only you met you once. The 15 min we shared together was positive & you definitely were helpful.
If you had then disclosed to me that you were a stepmom, my opinion of you wouldn’t have been any less positive. Actually, it would have perked my interest in you. I would have wanted to talk even more with you.
Are these initial negative responses to you overwhelmingly from women?
Ultimately, we can’t determine how others will respond to us. We just be the best person we can be and let other peoples responses fall where they fall.
Jill, you are one good woman!

]]> By: samara http://www.thedhx.com/2008/07/23/stepmom-blues/comment-page-1/#comment-1807 samara Thu, 24 Jul 2008 19:41:30 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/?p=624#comment-1807 I've said before that it seems like many times people base their own values and ideas about stepmoms from their past experiences. Maybe they had a mean stepmom? Maybe they knew an uninvolved stepmom? Etc. It's too bad everyone can't be openminded and ok with it all. I've had the same reactions where I at times have felt the need to justify. I am the stepmom, yes. I like their mom, yes. This is a good thing for our family, yes. Instead of feeling like negative assumptions and thoughts are running through their minds. Great post Jill, good thinking words and ideas. I’ve said before that it seems like many times people base their own values and ideas about stepmoms from their past experiences. Maybe they had a mean stepmom? Maybe they knew an uninvolved stepmom? Etc. It’s too bad everyone can’t be openminded and ok with it all. I’ve had the same reactions where I at times have felt the need to justify. I am the stepmom, yes. I like their mom, yes. This is a good thing for our family, yes. Instead of feeling like negative assumptions and thoughts are running through their minds. Great post Jill, good thinking words and ideas.

]]> By: -d http://www.thedhx.com/2008/07/23/stepmom-blues/comment-page-1/#comment-1806 -d Thu, 24 Jul 2008 19:03:06 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/?p=624#comment-1806 You know... I just realized I have two additional taglines I use a lot and it sucks that I have to do it. 1. Yes, we are divorced but he's a GREAT dad! and 2. Yes, I'm their stepmother but they live with me full time. I always feel like I have to add those because I don't want to diminish the fact that THE EX is an involved parent and I hate having to explain why I (the stepmom) am doing all the parenting. I don't know why I can't just leave it at "I'm the stepmom." and life be okay. -d You know… I just realized I have two additional taglines I use a lot and it sucks that I have to do it.

1. Yes, we are divorced but he’s a GREAT dad!

and

2. Yes, I’m their stepmother but they live with me full time.

I always feel like I have to add those because I don’t want to diminish the fact that THE EX is an involved parent and I hate having to explain why I (the stepmom) am doing all the parenting.

I don’t know why I can’t just leave it at “I’m the stepmom.” and life be okay.
-d

]]> By: laurie from divorcingdaze http://www.thedhx.com/2008/07/23/stepmom-blues/comment-page-1/#comment-1805 laurie from divorcingdaze Thu, 24 Jul 2008 15:08:38 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/?p=624#comment-1805 Hi Jill, Well, this mommy "blogger" (podcaster really) welcomes and values you and what you do! By having the conversation, the blog, the podcast, we are breaking down the taboos long associated with DIVORCE. It is an icky subject for people and change happens one conversation at a time.... Hi Jill,
Well, this mommy “blogger” (podcaster really) welcomes and values you and what you do! By having the conversation, the blog, the podcast, we are breaking down the taboos long associated with DIVORCE. It is an icky subject for people and change happens one conversation at a time….

]]> By: Amy http://www.thedhx.com/2008/07/23/stepmom-blues/comment-page-1/#comment-1804 Amy Thu, 24 Jul 2008 14:13:55 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/?p=624#comment-1804 Hi Jill, If it helps any. I am a BM who gets treated the same way:( I think people just have a hard time with anything that is different. I am not a Solo parent, but I am a single parent and I am having a really hard time connecting with families in my new neighborhood. I feel like the women look at me like some kind of husband stealer and that divorced woman across the street...ick! They wave at me sometimes when I wave to them, but it is very obvious when all the other fmailies get together and we are not invited:( For starters the last thing I am is a husband stealer, I am just a hard working very involved single mom. My son's father lives down the street with his new wife and new baby and I was recently at an event and the couple next to me were talking about our son (they used to live next to them) and I said his name is Ryan... I am his mom, and that awkward silence fell over the gym... again... ick! I grew up in this town and people look at me with pitty and it is always awkward conversation or no conversation... WHY!!!???? is the right question to ask. It would be so nice to be able to just see people as people and not by some title or position in life. I am so sorry you have to feel that way.... ick! Unfortunately we have a long way to go... one neighborhood at a time:) Amy Hi Jill,

If it helps any. I am a BM who gets treated the same way:( I think people just have a hard time with anything that is different. I am not a Solo parent, but I am a single parent and I am having a really hard time connecting with families in my new neighborhood. I feel like the women look at me like some kind of husband stealer and that divorced woman across the street…ick! They wave at me sometimes when I wave to them, but it is very obvious when all the other fmailies get together and we are not invited:( For starters the last thing I am is a husband stealer, I am just a hard working very involved single mom. My son’s father lives down the street with his new wife and new baby and I was recently at an event and the couple next to me were talking about our son (they used to live next to them) and I said his name is Ryan… I am his mom, and that awkward silence fell over the gym… again… ick!

I grew up in this town and people look at me with pitty and it is always awkward conversation or no conversation…

WHY!!!???? is the right question to ask. It would be so nice to be able to just see people as people and not by some title or position in life. I am so sorry you have to feel that way…. ick!

Unfortunately we have a long way to go… one neighborhood at a time:)

Amy

]]> By: lucky13 http://www.thedhx.com/2008/07/23/stepmom-blues/comment-page-1/#comment-1803 lucky13 Thu, 24 Jul 2008 13:49:18 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/?p=624#comment-1803 Jill, I'm sorry you're feeling this way, and I, along with most stepmoms (if not all) can absolutely empathize. My question is, when did the title of 'stepmom' become the definition of who we are as people? Is it because for women, the mother role is perceived to be the end all be all of womanhood? If that is the case, which in some instances I suspect it is, I find that terribly limiting to our gender, and goes against what so many women fought for, like Steinem and beyond. Kathy is certainly not that woman, and I believe it facilitated your friendship. There's more to her than just motherhood. Perhaps is it that as stepmoms, we threaten the title of motherhood for those who identify themselves solely as mothers? And about the fear that you wrote in your post; it's a misguided fear unfortunately. We shouldn't represent divorce, moving on, sharing children, and we certainly shouldn't be scary. We represent the opposite. In many instances, we've picked up the pieces, we've healed hurts, mended hearts, and taken on the herculean task of keeping a broken family together, while facing unfair judgements, biases, and our own hurts, AND trying to make our own marriages work. We shouldn't be feared. We should be thanked, over and over again. I apologize for going on, but I'm upset about the subject. I hope you feel better. Jill, I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, and I, along with most stepmoms (if not all) can absolutely empathize. My question is, when did the title of ’stepmom’ become the definition of who we are as people? Is it because for women, the mother role is perceived to be the end all be all of womanhood? If that is the case, which in some instances I suspect it is, I find that terribly limiting to our gender, and goes against what so many women fought for, like Steinem and beyond. Kathy is certainly not that woman, and I believe it facilitated your friendship. There’s more to her than just motherhood. Perhaps is it that as stepmoms, we threaten the title of motherhood for those who identify themselves solely as mothers? And about the fear that you wrote in your post; it’s a misguided fear unfortunately. We shouldn’t represent divorce, moving on, sharing children, and we certainly shouldn’t be scary. We represent the opposite. In many instances, we’ve picked up the pieces, we’ve healed hurts, mended hearts, and taken on the herculean task of keeping a broken family together, while facing unfair judgements, biases, and our own hurts, AND trying to make our own marriages work. We shouldn’t be feared. We should be thanked, over and over again. I apologize for going on, but I’m upset about the subject. I hope you feel better.

]]> By: Monique http://www.thedhx.com/2008/07/23/stepmom-blues/comment-page-1/#comment-1802 Monique Thu, 24 Jul 2008 05:52:17 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/?p=624#comment-1802 Jill, Thanks for your post. As a newish stepmom, I can relate. I've been to games (as chauffeur, water-girl, cheering squad) and been treated as the untouchable by moms after saying the "s" word; talked to other parents about being parents and been puffed at; talked to other parents about things-not-having-to-do-with-kids and been met with wariness anyway. Which is not the whole story, but a part of it, for sure. I've even boldly asked--in a sort of brassy way when the mood struck--what's the deal? And sometimes I've even gotten responses. Now there's a conversation! :) A poll of what the 'Waries' say: 'The real parents know their kid best, from day one.' 'Stepparents are usually interlopers.' 'There's a difference between parenting and duty.' This last one I remember well: it came after a day of hunting for soccer cleats, wrangling with the teacher, shopping for a gift for my stepdaughter to bring to a birthday party, etc. Blah. And nonetheless, these were all starting places [not barbs, not barbs, not barbs] for conversation, understanding... I don't know. Jill,
Thanks for your post. As a newish stepmom, I can relate. I’ve been to games (as chauffeur, water-girl, cheering squad) and been treated as the untouchable by moms after saying the “s” word; talked to other parents about being parents and been puffed at; talked to other parents about things-not-having-to-do-with-kids and been met with wariness anyway. Which is not the whole story, but a part of it, for sure. I’ve even boldly asked–in a sort of brassy way when the mood struck–what’s the deal? And sometimes I’ve even gotten responses. Now there’s a conversation! :) A poll of what the ‘Waries’ say: ‘The real parents know their kid best, from day one.’ ‘Stepparents are usually interlopers.’ ‘There’s a difference between parenting and duty.’ This last one I remember well: it came after a day of hunting for soccer cleats, wrangling with the teacher, shopping for a gift for my stepdaughter to bring to a birthday party, etc. Blah.

And nonetheless, these were all starting places [not barbs, not barbs, not barbs] for conversation, understanding… I don’t know.

]]> By: Jill http://www.thedhx.com/2008/07/23/stepmom-blues/comment-page-1/#comment-1801 Jill Thu, 24 Jul 2008 03:31:16 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/?p=624#comment-1801 Or maybe I should get a sandwich board that says, "I'm a stepmom. We all get along. We're all fine with it. I desperately want to be talked to and accepted and included in the mommy groups." Or maybe I should get a sandwich board that says, “I’m a stepmom. We all get along. We’re all fine with it. I desperately want to be talked to and accepted and included in the mommy groups.”

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