Comments on: Stepmom blues

By: Stacy

Stacy — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 19:33:18 +0000

Dear Jill,
Thank you for giving voice to so many of the things I feel in the presence of others. My stepdaughter actually calls me mommy, which eliminates most of those awkward pauses you spoke of. However, when it is discovered that I’m actually the stepmother, the green monster slips in and sucks the oxygen out of the room. Teachers, coaches, and others don’t seem to know what to say. I act like a mother, I sound like a mother, but am I “the mother” seems to be the question running through their mind.
My husband and I never asked his daughter to call me mommy and he has never referred to me with that title to her, which made her decision all that more endearing. What I want most to happen is for the rest of the world to see the maturity in my “daughter’s” choice and begin seeing all mothers, step and otherwise, as just mothers. After all, we are working for the same goal – happy, loved, well adjusted children. Wouldn’t it be easier is we could work together.

By: Jill

Jill — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 00:23:24 +0000

Hi Mike, thanks! Yeah, it’s usually at kid-oriented events, mostly with moms. Men don’t usually seem to care one way or the other — it doesn’t seem to phase them.

Hi Amy, that is really enlightening! I did not know that single moms get the weird outsider vibe, too. That puts things in an interesting light.

“We shouldn’t be feared. We should be thanked, over and over again.” — Amen, lucky13! High five.

Thanks for your comments everybody.

By: Petrea

Petrea — Sun, 27 Jul 2008 22:12:29 +0000

I suspect some of these preconceived notions were preconceived very long ago. You used the phrase, “people…as scary symbols” and it sparked a thought of Cinderella’s cruel stepmother and ugly stepsisters: archetypal characters from fairy tales; old stereotypes so embedded in our thinking we don’t even know we’re thinking of them; ancient memes that should be dead, alive in our collective psyche.

As Amy said, unfortunately we have a long way to go, especially when such thoughts are so deeply ingrained.

I wish I had solutions to offer. I only know that you, Kathy, G and the children are living your own solution.

By: Mike

Mike — Sun, 27 Jul 2008 05:17:42 +0000

Jill, i’ve only you met you once. The 15 min we shared together was positive & you definitely were helpful.
If you had then disclosed to me that you were a stepmom, my opinion of you wouldn’t have been any less positive. Actually, it would have perked my interest in you. I would have wanted to talk even more with you.
Are these initial negative responses to you overwhelmingly from women?
Ultimately, we can’t determine how others will respond to us. We just be the best person we can be and let other peoples responses fall where they fall.
Jill, you are one good woman!

By: samara

samara — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 19:41:30 +0000

I’ve said before that it seems like many times people base their own values and ideas about stepmoms from their past experiences. Maybe they had a mean stepmom? Maybe they knew an uninvolved stepmom? Etc. It’s too bad everyone can’t be openminded and ok with it all. I’ve had the same reactions where I at times have felt the need to justify. I am the stepmom, yes. I like their mom, yes. This is a good thing for our family, yes. Instead of feeling like negative assumptions and thoughts are running through their minds. Great post Jill, good thinking words and ideas.