What we have
Jul 19th, 2008 by Jill
There is a lot of talk in the blog world about the pain of stepfamily life. And stepfamily life can be painful, but pain isn’t the whole story any more than it is the whole story of life in general.
What we have between our two houses is good. It isn’t conventional. It doesn’t look like a scene from a J. Crew catalog, but it’s beautiful.
We have a team. We have a safety net. We have a network. We have connection. We have each other’s backs.
We also have disagreements and misunderstandings and hurt, but we listen, and we try again. We tell the truth. We self-examine. We let each other figure things out for ourselves on our own. We come back to the circle. We actively, consciously choose to see each other as human, over and over. We are vulnerable to each other, and we reach out to each other.
We have a connection we can’t sever. Instead of getting tied up in knots about it, we try to use it as a strength. And we are very strong when we work together. Like a braid.
What we have doesn’t really have a name. The best I’ve come up with so far is close extended stepfamily. We’re connected by children and by marriage. We aren’t one nuclear family. Are we two families? We don’t feel as far apart as two nuclear families. We’re more like two nuclei enclosed in one cell wall.
Whatever we are, we’re family. We’re family and we’re not broken. Maybe we’re a little bit mutated, though. In a good way.
You’ve said it very well here Jill. I happen to agree very much.
Also, I know I didn’t comment on it but I LOVE what you wrote about the 3 day rule. Awesome thoughts and advice, wouldn’t we all benefit applying that to every relationship we have?!?
It really is simple. I wish everyone could see it and do it the way y’all do! =)
I think if we all stopped trying to compare ourselves with the “ideal family” we’d have a lot easier time. No one I know has it–although many people have great families–life has bumps and warts and all sorts of stuff that keeps us from having “it all”. Whatever “it all” is. Simply realizing that what you have is pretty darn good even though it’s messy is a huge blessing. Looks like you are very blessed.
C
FWIW, I always tell people that we all get along great, and that the kids have grown up feeling like they are part of one family in two households. That gives whomever is listening a good bit of info: we’re compatible, we’re autonomous, and the kids are healthy and happy and whole. You can just see everyone’s hunched-up shoulders relax as soon as they get that our picture is a happy one.
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