Comments on: The Wicked Step Mother http://www.thedhx.com/2008/07/18/the-wicked-step-mother/ A mom and a stepmom share stories, ideas, friendship and family Wed, 07 Jan 2009 09:02:01 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.7 hourly 1 By: K http://www.thedhx.com/2008/07/18/the-wicked-step-mother/comment-page-1/#comment-1876 K Sun, 07 Sep 2008 14:09:52 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/?p=596#comment-1876 Susan, Jacquelyn Fletcher's "A Career Girls' Guide to Becoming a Stepmom" is a great resource. Includes anecdotes from the experiences of a variety of stepmoms and advice based on research. Hits on an array of important and relevant topics, and leaves the bio-mom/ex-wife bashing out. It's a good and helpful read. - K Susan,
Jacquelyn Fletcher’s “A Career Girls’ Guide to Becoming a Stepmom” is a great resource. Includes anecdotes from the experiences of a variety of stepmoms and advice based on research. Hits on an array of important and relevant topics, and leaves the bio-mom/ex-wife bashing out. It’s a good and helpful read.
- K

]]> By: Susan Russell http://www.thedhx.com/2008/07/18/the-wicked-step-mother/comment-page-1/#comment-1870 Susan Russell Fri, 05 Sep 2008 14:47:39 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/?p=596#comment-1870 I'm looking for help for my daughter who married last November to a really great guy who loves her with all his heart! He has two kids, 8 & 5 who live in California, and they are flown to Utah every few months to see their Dad. This is my daughters first marriage at 29, her husband is 30, and this is his 2nd. He was kicked out of his house by the ex, and from all accounts we have learned of (from neighbors and people that they lived near), he was the nurturer and great father to these kids, the mother decided she didn't love him anymore and ended the marriage. So, my daugher calls me for advice and I have tried and tried to encourage a civil and kind hearted relationship. She has tried and made many kind hearted attempts, but things seem to keep coming around to the mean spirited and hateful ways of the bio mother. Is there a book or something I can recommend to my daughter that can guide her in this hard area? I have been married for 32 years to my good husband and have so little experience or good advice to give her. But it seems to me that this initial phase can be so important in setting the stage for a healthier step-exwife-relationship. Where do we turn for good advice and counsel? I really appreciate your help... Thanks! Susan I’m looking for help for my daughter who married last November to a really great guy who loves her with all his heart! He has two kids, 8 & 5 who live in California, and they are flown to Utah every few months to see their Dad. This is my daughters first marriage at 29, her husband is 30, and this is his 2nd. He was kicked out of his house by the ex, and from all accounts we have learned of (from neighbors and people that they lived near), he was the nurturer and great father to these kids, the mother decided she didn’t love him anymore and ended the marriage.
So, my daugher calls me for advice and I have tried and tried to encourage a civil and kind hearted relationship. She has tried and made many kind hearted attempts, but things seem to keep coming around to the mean spirited and hateful ways of the bio mother. Is there a book or something I can recommend to my daughter that can guide her in this hard area? I have been married for 32 years to my good husband and have so little experience or good advice to give her. But it seems to me that this initial phase can be so important in setting the stage for a healthier step-exwife-relationship. Where do we turn for good advice and counsel? I really appreciate your help…
Thanks!
Susan

]]> By: K http://www.thedhx.com/2008/07/18/the-wicked-step-mother/comment-page-1/#comment-1866 K Wed, 03 Sep 2008 19:44:07 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/?p=596#comment-1866 Kathy, Thank you so much for your voice. For your words, compassion, reflection and strength of character. I am a stepmother of two, and I unfortunately do not have a relationship of open communication with their bio-mom. I don't necessarily think this is healthy. In the two years I have known the kids, their mother and father have co-parented and been publicly civil. But over 90% of the communication from mother to father has been by e-mail, and I have read frighteningly immense amounts of hatred, self-hatred, fear, anger, bitterness and negativity sent through these messages. My husband is phenomenally good at setting boundaries with his kids' mom and not reacting to her routinely lashing out over e-mail. He does not argue, does not reciprocate the negativity, name-calling, or hatred at all. He does what he needs to do for the sake of his kids. She has never requested or opened communication with me, despite my intimate involvement in her kids' lives, and I have not done so either because I, selfishly, do not want to open myself up to being a target of destructive energy as my husband is to her. I'm not as good at setting boundaries as he is, and I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to handle it as well, that I would get caught up in the anger. Instead, I try my best to project love to the kids, and hope that they will take a little bit of this back to their mother's house, and that eventually she will soften up. Voodoo tactics, perhaps. I find your post refreshing, even soothing, because I see in your voice strength, compassion, maturity, and self-love. It is a relief and a comfort to see that the written voices of all bio-moms are not like the written voice of my stepkids' bio-mom. I wish that my stepkids' bio-mom's voice sounded like yours, and that I didn't have such a fear of her voice as it is. Kathy,

Thank you so much for your voice. For your words, compassion, reflection and strength of character. I am a stepmother of two, and I unfortunately do not have a relationship of open communication with their bio-mom. I don’t necessarily think this is healthy.

In the two years I have known the kids, their mother and father have co-parented and been publicly civil. But over 90% of the communication from mother to father has been by e-mail, and I have read frighteningly immense amounts of hatred, self-hatred, fear, anger, bitterness and negativity sent through these messages. My husband is phenomenally good at setting boundaries with his kids’ mom and not reacting to her routinely lashing out over e-mail. He does not argue, does not reciprocate the negativity, name-calling, or hatred at all. He does what he needs to do for the sake of his kids.

She has never requested or opened communication with me, despite my intimate involvement in her kids’ lives, and I have not done so either because I, selfishly, do not want to open myself up to being a target of destructive energy as my husband is to her. I’m not as good at setting boundaries as he is, and I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to handle it as well, that I would get caught up in the anger. Instead, I try my best to project love to the kids, and hope that they will take a little bit of this back to their mother’s house, and that eventually she will soften up. Voodoo tactics, perhaps.

I find your post refreshing, even soothing, because I see in your voice strength, compassion, maturity, and self-love. It is a relief and a comfort to see that the written voices of all bio-moms are not like the written voice of my stepkids’ bio-mom. I wish that my stepkids’ bio-mom’s voice sounded like yours, and that I didn’t have such a fear of her voice as it is.

]]> By: Kathy http://www.thedhx.com/2008/07/18/the-wicked-step-mother/comment-page-1/#comment-1829 Kathy Fri, 15 Aug 2008 23:36:00 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/?p=596#comment-1829 Karl - Wow, my heart goes out to you. What a difficult and stressful situation that must be. Thank you so much for contributing your experience from the father's side. That's so valuable to me (personally) and to other people, I'm sure. Frankly (and luckily), your experience does not match anything I've seen around me. With only one exception, every stepmom I've ever known has been an unsung heroine... taking on the care of another woman's child with a loving and open heart. (The one exception does clue me in to what you're talking about, however... so I know it happens.) Of course, having an open heart doesn't guarantee that it's going to be a smooth journey, and there are always obstacles to overcome. It's just fraught with all kinds of complexity. Even as lucky as Jill and I are, we've had long periods of significant difficulties... which we've been very fortunate to have been able to work through. I'm so sorry you're going through that. I would hesitate to make any blanket generalizations, though, about genetic improbabilities: I've seen many examples of a woman taking on another person's children and loving them as if they were her own. I'm graced with that in my own life with Jill. (And I'm not just saying that because this is a public forum. It's simply the truth.) Feel free to stop by and keep me/us updated. Having a father in the conversation is really valuable. Thanks and good luck. Karl - Wow, my heart goes out to you. What a difficult and stressful situation that must be. Thank you so much for contributing your experience from the father’s side. That’s so valuable to me (personally) and to other people, I’m sure.
Frankly (and luckily), your experience does not match anything I’ve seen around me. With only one exception, every stepmom I’ve ever known has been an unsung heroine… taking on the care of another woman’s child with a loving and open heart. (The one exception does clue me in to what you’re talking about, however… so I know it happens.)
Of course, having an open heart doesn’t guarantee that it’s going to be a smooth journey, and there are always obstacles to overcome. It’s just fraught with all kinds of complexity. Even as lucky as Jill and I are, we’ve had long periods of significant difficulties… which we’ve been very fortunate to have been able to work through.
I’m so sorry you’re going through that. I would hesitate to make any blanket generalizations, though, about genetic improbabilities: I’ve seen many examples of a woman taking on another person’s children and loving them as if they were her own. I’m graced with that in my own life with Jill. (And I’m not just saying that because this is a public forum. It’s simply the truth.)
Feel free to stop by and keep me/us updated. Having a father in the conversation is really valuable.
Thanks and good luck.

]]> By: Karl http://www.thedhx.com/2008/07/18/the-wicked-step-mother/comment-page-1/#comment-1828 Karl Fri, 15 Aug 2008 23:04:17 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/?p=596#comment-1828 I'm a remarried dad and came across your blog. I found your blog very enlightening - especially the idea of the shadow. I see my wife projecting many ugly characteristics onto my ex wife and children. From my own experience with my 2nd wife and the experiece of 3 of my remarried friends who are dads, we all are married to the wicked step mother. All of us are close to another divorce and none of us would ever get remarried again. It's not fair to the children to put them thru the anger and resentment of a step mother. I see very few step mothers who love, accept, and respect their step kids. I see many more cases of a loving step dad than I do a loving step mother. Maybe taking on other women's children just isn't in a women's DNA. Like when you see the baby cub whose mother has died get eaten by the other mothers in the den. I’m a remarried dad and came across your blog. I found your blog very enlightening - especially the idea of the shadow. I see my wife projecting many ugly characteristics onto my ex wife and children. From my own experience with my 2nd wife and the experiece of 3 of my remarried friends who are dads, we all are married to the wicked step mother. All of us are close to another divorce and none of us would ever get remarried again. It’s not fair to the children to put them thru the anger and resentment of a step mother. I see very few step mothers who love, accept, and respect their step kids. I see many more cases of a loving step dad than I do a loving step mother. Maybe taking on other women’s children just isn’t in a women’s DNA. Like when you see the baby cub whose mother has died get eaten by the other mothers in the den.

]]> By: Kathy http://www.thedhx.com/2008/07/18/the-wicked-step-mother/comment-page-1/#comment-1798 Kathy Wed, 23 Jul 2008 23:21:39 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/?p=596#comment-1798 To all who have commented... thank you so much for your reactions and comments. It really shows me how much we're all struggling with the same issues. I'm going to echo what Samara said -- let's go forth and break some stereotypes, start a revolution, and move past shadow-boxing into a place of taking responsibility, taking charge, and taking our jobs as mothers more (and less) seriously. I mean, it's hard enough dealing with jobs and men and children and the crazy mania of our life in this society. Getting along with the sisterhood is imperative. Let's add a little humor and a lot of grace and lighten this whole thing up a bit. Off my own soapbox now...! Thanks again for your comments. They bring tears to my eyes.... K To all who have commented… thank you so much for your reactions and comments. It really shows me how much we’re all struggling with the same issues.

I’m going to echo what Samara said — let’s go forth and break some stereotypes, start a revolution, and move past shadow-boxing into a place of taking responsibility, taking charge, and taking our jobs as mothers more (and less) seriously. I mean, it’s hard enough dealing with jobs and men and children and the crazy mania of our life in this society. Getting along with the sisterhood is imperative. Let’s add a little humor and a lot of grace and lighten this whole thing up a bit.

Off my own soapbox now…! Thanks again for your comments. They bring tears to my eyes…. K

]]> By: Mrs. H http://www.thedhx.com/2008/07/18/the-wicked-step-mother/comment-page-1/#comment-1797 Mrs. H Wed, 23 Jul 2008 23:06:15 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/?p=596#comment-1797 Kathy, I thought this was a great post. The thing that struck me the most is your compassion for Jill. I would kill for even the slightest bit of compassion from my Stepsons' mom. Your words about "shadow" really made me think as well. When I started blogging almost three years ago, I wasn't sure what I would accomplish. In the end, my blog became a mirror. People like Jill and Samara (kind-hearted, compassionate, intelligent people) have gently taken me to task over some of my views. As a result, I have changed some of my positions and become incredibly introspective. I realized that many of my reactions to my situation were no better than the deeds of the woman who caused it. I had a choice, be like her or address my own issues and be a better person. I have written about shadows before. Maybe not the same shadow you describe, but a similar concept. Sometimes we are so consumed by another person's shadow (especially the bad ones) that we lose our own. It is important to find our own way and address our own demons. Only then are we able to see the human behind the overpowering shadow and perhaps show some compassion. The amazing thing that happens along the way is that we lose a lot of our anger. We may still get disappointed and frustrated but we very rarely have that consuming anger. Thanks to both you and Jill for having such an inspired blog. Sincerely, Mrs. H Kathy,

I thought this was a great post. The thing that struck me the most is your compassion for Jill. I would kill for even the slightest bit of compassion from my Stepsons’ mom.

Your words about “shadow” really made me think as well. When I started blogging almost three years ago, I wasn’t sure what I would accomplish. In the end, my blog became a mirror. People like Jill and Samara (kind-hearted, compassionate, intelligent people) have gently taken me to task over some of my views. As a result, I have changed some of my positions and become incredibly introspective.

I realized that many of my reactions to my situation were no better than the deeds of the woman who caused it. I had a choice, be like her or address my own issues and be a better person.

I have written about shadows before. Maybe not the same shadow you describe, but a similar concept. Sometimes we are so consumed by another person’s shadow (especially the bad ones) that we lose our own. It is important to find our own way and address our own demons. Only then are we able to see the human behind the overpowering shadow and perhaps show some compassion.

The amazing thing that happens along the way is that we lose a lot of our anger. We may still get disappointed and frustrated but we very rarely have that consuming anger.

Thanks to both you and Jill for having such an inspired blog.

Sincerely,
Mrs. H

]]> By: Stacy http://www.thedhx.com/2008/07/18/the-wicked-step-mother/comment-page-1/#comment-1795 Stacy Tue, 22 Jul 2008 00:26:19 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/?p=596#comment-1795 Loved this post, so true. I'm a step mom and a bio mom...I have a duality...a light side/a dark side...wish I could be accepted for both. Loved this post, so true. I’m a step mom and a bio mom…I have a duality…a light side/a dark side…wish I could be accepted for both.

]]> By: So, what does it all boil down to? « Blue Bamboo http://www.thedhx.com/2008/07/18/the-wicked-step-mother/comment-page-1/#comment-1793 So, what does it all boil down to? « Blue Bamboo Mon, 21 Jul 2008 18:17:48 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/?p=596#comment-1793 [...] I have read this, this, this, this; then Kathy posted this fantastic reflection. And because I was curious, I looked up the definition of [...] [...] I have read this, this, this, this; then Kathy posted this fantastic reflection. And because I was curious, I looked up the definition of [...]

]]> By: samara http://www.thedhx.com/2008/07/18/the-wicked-step-mother/comment-page-1/#comment-1792 samara Sun, 20 Jul 2008 03:24:34 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/?p=596#comment-1792 Jill, I wish I were at Blog Her!!! Next year I hope, when I'm not pregnant and spending lots of $$ on my house! Kathy, this post is WONDERFUL! And this is something I've thought a lot about in the past. I can't even tell you how many times I've gotten looks of pity when I introduce myself as the "stepmom". It's assumed that I must be some "every other weekend entertainment" and haven't the slightest idea about kids and that I couldn't possibly love these kids. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. These kids live in my house plenty more than weekends, and I'm learning as I go about kids and I love them more than I ever would have thought possible :) I admit there are some stepmoms out there who've given us a bad rap, but at the same time so many people judge off of their own experiences. Maybe they knew a stepmom, had a stepmom, didn't like a certain stepmom. Here's to breaking the stereotypes and telling the world that not only can stepmoms be great people, stepmoms and moms can get along, playing a very important role in the lives of children everywhere. Getting off of my soapbox now! Jill, I wish I were at Blog Her!!! Next year I hope, when I’m not pregnant and spending lots of $$ on my house!

Kathy, this post is WONDERFUL! And this is something I’ve thought a lot about in the past. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve gotten looks of pity when I introduce myself as the “stepmom”. It’s assumed that I must be some “every other weekend entertainment” and haven’t the slightest idea about kids and that I couldn’t possibly love these kids. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. These kids live in my house plenty more than weekends, and I’m learning as I go about kids and I love them more than I ever would have thought possible :)

I admit there are some stepmoms out there who’ve given us a bad rap, but at the same time so many people judge off of their own experiences. Maybe they knew a stepmom, had a stepmom, didn’t like a certain stepmom.

Here’s to breaking the stereotypes and telling the world that not only can stepmoms be great people, stepmoms and moms can get along, playing a very important role in the lives of children everywhere.
Getting off of my soapbox now!

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