Comments on: The Wicked Step Mother

By: K

Sun, 07 Sep 2008 14:09:52 +0000

Susan,
Jacquelyn Fletcher’s “A Career Girls’ Guide to Becoming a Stepmom” is a great resource. Includes anecdotes from the experiences of a variety of stepmoms and advice based on research. Hits on an array of important and relevant topics, and leaves the bio-mom/ex-wife bashing out. It’s a good and helpful read.
- K

By: Susan Russell

Susan Russell — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 14:47:39 +0000

I’m looking for help for my daughter who married last November to a really great guy who loves her with all his heart! He has two kids, 8 & 5 who live in California, and they are flown to Utah every few months to see their Dad. This is my daughters first marriage at 29, her husband is 30, and this is his 2nd. He was kicked out of his house by the ex, and from all accounts we have learned of (from neighbors and people that they lived near), he was the nurturer and great father to these kids, the mother decided she didn’t love him anymore and ended the marriage.
So, my daugher calls me for advice and I have tried and tried to encourage a civil and kind hearted relationship. She has tried and made many kind hearted attempts, but things seem to keep coming around to the mean spirited and hateful ways of the bio mother. Is there a book or something I can recommend to my daughter that can guide her in this hard area? I have been married for 32 years to my good husband and have so little experience or good advice to give her. But it seems to me that this initial phase can be so important in setting the stage for a healthier step-exwife-relationship. Where do we turn for good advice and counsel? I really appreciate your help…
Thanks!
Susan

By: K

Wed, 03 Sep 2008 19:44:07 +0000

Kathy,

Thank you so much for your voice. For your words, compassion, reflection and strength of character. I am a stepmother of two, and I unfortunately do not have a relationship of open communication with their bio-mom. I don’t necessarily think this is healthy.

In the two years I have known the kids, their mother and father have co-parented and been publicly civil. But over 90% of the communication from mother to father has been by e-mail, and I have read frighteningly immense amounts of hatred, self-hatred, fear, anger, bitterness and negativity sent through these messages. My husband is phenomenally good at setting boundaries with his kids’ mom and not reacting to her routinely lashing out over e-mail. He does not argue, does not reciprocate the negativity, name-calling, or hatred at all. He does what he needs to do for the sake of his kids.

She has never requested or opened communication with me, despite my intimate involvement in her kids’ lives, and I have not done so either because I, selfishly, do not want to open myself up to being a target of destructive energy as my husband is to her. I’m not as good at setting boundaries as he is, and I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to handle it as well, that I would get caught up in the anger. Instead, I try my best to project love to the kids, and hope that they will take a little bit of this back to their mother’s house, and that eventually she will soften up. Voodoo tactics, perhaps.

I find your post refreshing, even soothing, because I see in your voice strength, compassion, maturity, and self-love. It is a relief and a comfort to see that the written voices of all bio-moms are not like the written voice of my stepkids’ bio-mom. I wish that my stepkids’ bio-mom’s voice sounded like yours, and that I didn’t have such a fear of her voice as it is.

By: Kathy

Kathy — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 23:36:00 +0000

Karl – Wow, my heart goes out to you. What a difficult and stressful situation that must be. Thank you so much for contributing your experience from the father’s side. That’s so valuable to me (personally) and to other people, I’m sure.
Frankly (and luckily), your experience does not match anything I’ve seen around me. With only one exception, every stepmom I’ve ever known has been an unsung heroine… taking on the care of another woman’s child with a loving and open heart. (The one exception does clue me in to what you’re talking about, however… so I know it happens.)
Of course, having an open heart doesn’t guarantee that it’s going to be a smooth journey, and there are always obstacles to overcome. It’s just fraught with all kinds of complexity. Even as lucky as Jill and I are, we’ve had long periods of significant difficulties… which we’ve been very fortunate to have been able to work through.
I’m so sorry you’re going through that. I would hesitate to make any blanket generalizations, though, about genetic improbabilities: I’ve seen many examples of a woman taking on another person’s children and loving them as if they were her own. I’m graced with that in my own life with Jill. (And I’m not just saying that because this is a public forum. It’s simply the truth.)
Feel free to stop by and keep me/us updated. Having a father in the conversation is really valuable.
Thanks and good luck.

By: Karl

Karl — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 23:04:17 +0000

I’m a remarried dad and came across your blog. I found your blog very enlightening – especially the idea of the shadow. I see my wife projecting many ugly characteristics onto my ex wife and children. From my own experience with my 2nd wife and the experiece of 3 of my remarried friends who are dads, we all are married to the wicked step mother. All of us are close to another divorce and none of us would ever get remarried again. It’s not fair to the children to put them thru the anger and resentment of a step mother. I see very few step mothers who love, accept, and respect their step kids. I see many more cases of a loving step dad than I do a loving step mother. Maybe taking on other women’s children just isn’t in a women’s DNA. Like when you see the baby cub whose mother has died get eaten by the other mothers in the den.