The Wicked Step Mother
Jul 18th, 2008 by Kathy
Now that I’ve changed jobs to work closer to home, Jill and I have been getting together for a weekly lunch. This has been great and I look forward to it every week. Mostly we yak about girl stuff — relationships, hopes, fears — but it’s also a chance to sneak in a few logistics and household things. What’s great is that it’s 90% girlfriend talk and reminds us both that we are far more than just the other woman player in the game of moving the kids through their lives.
The other day we stumbled on something interesting. I’ve noticed — and I could be wrong — that the preponderance of internet blogging and commenting about this whole step-moms/bio mom issue is being conducted by the step-moms of the world. The bio moms simply don’t seem as caught up about it.
It came up when I was talking with Jill and saw how visibly and profoundly upset she was about how step-moms are generally perceived at first glance. She’s been to school functions where she introduces herself and people immediately shut down or voices drop in a tone of commiseration. It’s like it’s a disease that she caught and everyone is trying to be kind about it. Gently moving away from “it” and talking about other things.
And I got what she was saying and thought, man, if people treated me like that I’d definitely be vocal about my outrage too. I got it. That SUCKS.
Now, it’s true, over time that initial reaction has changed as people in our circle have gotten to know Jill as a person. Being a great human being helps a lot in that regard. But what is it about this thing we have, collectively, about step mothers?
I have a theory. And this comes from what I’ve been dealing with in my other relationship a lot over the past two months. I think this collective thing about step moms is a manifestation of shadow, that ugly scary part of us that we can rarely see in ourselves, except as reflected in others.
Usually shadow is discussed in terms of romantic relationships, and I’ve been working out all sorts of interesting things with this guy I’ve been seeing as we continue to explore the dance we dance with each other. Shadow in romantic partners is usually manifested in weird anger, sarcasm, the maddening and mesmerizing push/pull of attraction and repulsion, fear and dependency, anger and jealousy. My shadow will cause me to project all sorts of ugly characteristics upon him, thus enabling me to either detach, or find fault, or express anger that I’m too scared to approach directly.
The thing about shadow work is that you almost never get to confront your own directly. Shadow is a tricky, peripheral character, which is really only captured by reflecting on someone else. Shadow appears in personal relationships, in the relationships between countries, in politics (don’t get me started), in our culture. And I think that, for eons, we have collectively thrown a lot of shadow onto the archetype of the step-mother.
Think of how the step-mother is portrayed in literature and film. Sorry this is getting rough, but let’s open this up a bit. What’s the word that almost always precedes “step-mother”? Right: wicked. It’s true. Or evil. You have Snow White, Cinderella, the amazing Susan Sarandon in Enchanted with her twitching tongue and hideous cackle. It’s very noteworthy when a step-mother is seen as a whole person, as she is in Juno. Otherwise, she’s a shadow character — manipulative, sneaky, undermining, catty, jealous and self-centered.
Where does this come from? It’s so pervasive we don’t even think about it too much. But when you suddenly become that character, it must be just unbearably enraging to have that entire collective stereotype painted all over you, like a big red letter S.
I think it’s because we as a society, can’t bear to attribute many of these shadow qualities to another group of women who also share in them equally: mothers. I mean — can’t mothers also be manipulative and sneaky and undermining? You freaking betcha they can. In spades. Can’t mothers be jealous and self-centered? Ah… duh. These are not qualities that are only owned by step-mothers. These are shadow feminine qualities. And for some reason it’s easier to dump them on the minority (not so minor a minority any more) than to own them, as all women, ourselves.
The painfully fascinating thing about shadow, is that the shadow qualities that annoy the heck out of us in the Other are usually the qualities that are most prevalent in ourselves. Yup. You heard me. And this goes both ways, whether you’re a biological or step mom or in any way dealing with another woman in the raising of some children. Take a look at the things that annoy you the most in the other, and then — if you’re feeling very brave and have a cold margarita nearby just in case — turn the mirror around. See if you’ve got a little bit of that yourself.
Yikes.
This is not for the faint-hearted, my friends. The work is to take responsibility for our own shadow and quit projecting it on others and getting all wrought up about it. This is tough tough work. A lifetime of work. And it takes a huge amount of humility and grace to get through. I can recommend books that are amazing in opening this world of the psyche up and that explain it all far more eloquently than I just have. But it’s important, I think, to add this to this discussion and to this blog.
We’re all in this together. We’re all human. We are all women who share many of the same characteristics — both good and bad. Let’s all shoulder our share of the responsibility for the bad, and celebrate the good that also exists.
We are, collectively, engaged in the most important job on the planet: creating the future in the shape of our children. The history of how we got to where we are doesn’t matter. The past cannot be allowed to unconsciously script the future. The fact that we look upon the step-mothers of the world like they’ve caught a disease is shameful for all of us. Let’s take responsibility, keeping that margarita handy, and see what we can do to change that.
I call it the “Holy shit” factor.
As in… “Holy shit, I would HATE to have share my kids with some woman.” and “Holy shit, why in the world would anyone want to raise someone else’s kids”.
And so, people turn away in hopes they don’t have to face the reality of today’s society.
Pardon for the @#$! words.
-d
wow, what a brilliant post. Kathy and Jill, I truly believe that being self aware is a big part of what you say. Only when we take the blinders off and truly look in that mirror of projections can we begin to make the better choices, starting with ourselves and then for the children in our care, be it as a biomom or a stepmom.
thank you for continuing to provide us with thought-provoking posts that deal with personal growth and understanding. and as a stepmom i really need the encouragement from both of you.
I am a stepmom and luckily have a very good relationship with my stepdaughter’s mom but I too find that it is other people who don’t know how to react to me once I have introduced myself as the SM. The other week my husband and I were at a social gathering with SD and someone asked her about the sweater she was wearing, she said “oh yes, my Mom knitted it for me” so then the guy turns to me and said “Oh wow, great sweater, you are very talented with the needles” to which I replied “Thanks, but I can’t honestly accept the compliment, I’m her stepmom and I can’t knit for toffee, her Mom on the other hand is a whizz!” - this guy then gets all flustered and says “Oh dear, gee oh sorry, wow, let’s just start that all over again huh?!” and looks like he wants the ground to swallow him up!! Honestly, I didn’t have a problem with the misunderstanding and thought I had made that obvious by saying something positive about SD’s mom, by making light of it, but he still thought he must have offended me and that we must be embarrassed by our situation! Why on earth he couldn’t just have said “Great!” or some such other platitude if he felt uncomfortable is a mystery to me - guess we really do have a lot of work to do before a stepmom can be introduced as just another member of the family!
This is the first time I have ever posted on a blog, even though I read all blended family websites avidly and have been a step-parent for two years now; but your post was filled with such understanding and struck such a chord with me that I just had to comment - thanks very much for illustrating how well a blended family can work on your site, it really is very encouraging!
I’m having the darndest time finding stepmom bloggers or co-parenting bloggers here at BlogHer. I’m just about ready to find a red sharpie and draw that big red “S” right on my forehead here!
Great post. I loved this.
Jill, I wish I were at Blog Her!!! Next year I hope, when I’m not pregnant and spending lots of $$ on my house!
Kathy, this post is WONDERFUL! And this is something I’ve thought a lot about in the past. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve gotten looks of pity when I introduce myself as the “stepmom”. It’s assumed that I must be some “every other weekend entertainment” and haven’t the slightest idea about kids and that I couldn’t possibly love these kids. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. These kids live in my house plenty more than weekends, and I’m learning as I go about kids and I love them more than I ever would have thought possible
I admit there are some stepmoms out there who’ve given us a bad rap, but at the same time so many people judge off of their own experiences. Maybe they knew a stepmom, had a stepmom, didn’t like a certain stepmom.
Here’s to breaking the stereotypes and telling the world that not only can stepmoms be great people, stepmoms and moms can get along, playing a very important role in the lives of children everywhere.
Getting off of my soapbox now!
[...] I have read this, this, this, this; then Kathy posted this fantastic reflection. And because I was curious, I looked up the definition of [...]
Loved this post, so true. I’m a step mom and a bio mom…I have a duality…a light side/a dark side…wish I could be accepted for both.
Kathy,
I thought this was a great post. The thing that struck me the most is your compassion for Jill. I would kill for even the slightest bit of compassion from my Stepsons’ mom.
Your words about “shadow” really made me think as well. When I started blogging almost three years ago, I wasn’t sure what I would accomplish. In the end, my blog became a mirror. People like Jill and Samara (kind-hearted, compassionate, intelligent people) have gently taken me to task over some of my views. As a result, I have changed some of my positions and become incredibly introspective.
I realized that many of my reactions to my situation were no better than the deeds of the woman who caused it. I had a choice, be like her or address my own issues and be a better person.
I have written about shadows before. Maybe not the same shadow you describe, but a similar concept. Sometimes we are so consumed by another person’s shadow (especially the bad ones) that we lose our own. It is important to find our own way and address our own demons. Only then are we able to see the human behind the overpowering shadow and perhaps show some compassion.
The amazing thing that happens along the way is that we lose a lot of our anger. We may still get disappointed and frustrated but we very rarely have that consuming anger.
Thanks to both you and Jill for having such an inspired blog.
Sincerely,
Mrs. H
To all who have commented… thank you so much for your reactions and comments. It really shows me how much we’re all struggling with the same issues.
I’m going to echo what Samara said — let’s go forth and break some stereotypes, start a revolution, and move past shadow-boxing into a place of taking responsibility, taking charge, and taking our jobs as mothers more (and less) seriously. I mean, it’s hard enough dealing with jobs and men and children and the crazy mania of our life in this society. Getting along with the sisterhood is imperative. Let’s add a little humor and a lot of grace and lighten this whole thing up a bit.
Off my own soapbox now…! Thanks again for your comments. They bring tears to my eyes…. K
I’m a remarried dad and came across your blog. I found your blog very enlightening - especially the idea of the shadow. I see my wife projecting many ugly characteristics onto my ex wife and children. From my own experience with my 2nd wife and the experiece of 3 of my remarried friends who are dads, we all are married to the wicked step mother. All of us are close to another divorce and none of us would ever get remarried again. It’s not fair to the children to put them thru the anger and resentment of a step mother. I see very few step mothers who love, accept, and respect their step kids. I see many more cases of a loving step dad than I do a loving step mother. Maybe taking on other women’s children just isn’t in a women’s DNA. Like when you see the baby cub whose mother has died get eaten by the other mothers in the den.
Karl - Wow, my heart goes out to you. What a difficult and stressful situation that must be. Thank you so much for contributing your experience from the father’s side. That’s so valuable to me (personally) and to other people, I’m sure.
Frankly (and luckily), your experience does not match anything I’ve seen around me. With only one exception, every stepmom I’ve ever known has been an unsung heroine… taking on the care of another woman’s child with a loving and open heart. (The one exception does clue me in to what you’re talking about, however… so I know it happens.)
Of course, having an open heart doesn’t guarantee that it’s going to be a smooth journey, and there are always obstacles to overcome. It’s just fraught with all kinds of complexity. Even as lucky as Jill and I are, we’ve had long periods of significant difficulties… which we’ve been very fortunate to have been able to work through.
I’m so sorry you’re going through that. I would hesitate to make any blanket generalizations, though, about genetic improbabilities: I’ve seen many examples of a woman taking on another person’s children and loving them as if they were her own. I’m graced with that in my own life with Jill. (And I’m not just saying that because this is a public forum. It’s simply the truth.)
Feel free to stop by and keep me/us updated. Having a father in the conversation is really valuable.
Thanks and good luck.
Kathy,
Thank you so much for your voice. For your words, compassion, reflection and strength of character. I am a stepmother of two, and I unfortunately do not have a relationship of open communication with their bio-mom. I don’t necessarily think this is healthy.
In the two years I have known the kids, their mother and father have co-parented and been publicly civil. But over 90% of the communication from mother to father has been by e-mail, and I have read frighteningly immense amounts of hatred, self-hatred, fear, anger, bitterness and negativity sent through these messages. My husband is phenomenally good at setting boundaries with his kids’ mom and not reacting to her routinely lashing out over e-mail. He does not argue, does not reciprocate the negativity, name-calling, or hatred at all. He does what he needs to do for the sake of his kids.
She has never requested or opened communication with me, despite my intimate involvement in her kids’ lives, and I have not done so either because I, selfishly, do not want to open myself up to being a target of destructive energy as my husband is to her. I’m not as good at setting boundaries as he is, and I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to handle it as well, that I would get caught up in the anger. Instead, I try my best to project love to the kids, and hope that they will take a little bit of this back to their mother’s house, and that eventually she will soften up. Voodoo tactics, perhaps.
I find your post refreshing, even soothing, because I see in your voice strength, compassion, maturity, and self-love. It is a relief and a comfort to see that the written voices of all bio-moms are not like the written voice of my stepkids’ bio-mom. I wish that my stepkids’ bio-mom’s voice sounded like yours, and that I didn’t have such a fear of her voice as it is.
I’m looking for help for my daughter who married last November to a really great guy who loves her with all his heart! He has two kids, 8 & 5 who live in California, and they are flown to Utah every few months to see their Dad. This is my daughters first marriage at 29, her husband is 30, and this is his 2nd. He was kicked out of his house by the ex, and from all accounts we have learned of (from neighbors and people that they lived near), he was the nurturer and great father to these kids, the mother decided she didn’t love him anymore and ended the marriage.
So, my daugher calls me for advice and I have tried and tried to encourage a civil and kind hearted relationship. She has tried and made many kind hearted attempts, but things seem to keep coming around to the mean spirited and hateful ways of the bio mother. Is there a book or something I can recommend to my daughter that can guide her in this hard area? I have been married for 32 years to my good husband and have so little experience or good advice to give her. But it seems to me that this initial phase can be so important in setting the stage for a healthier step-exwife-relationship. Where do we turn for good advice and counsel? I really appreciate your help…
Thanks!
Susan
Susan,
Jacquelyn Fletcher’s “A Career Girls’ Guide to Becoming a Stepmom” is a great resource. Includes anecdotes from the experiences of a variety of stepmoms and advice based on research. Hits on an array of important and relevant topics, and leaves the bio-mom/ex-wife bashing out. It’s a good and helpful read.
- K