Byron Katie: “The only way I can be angry at you…”
Apr 12th, 2008 by Jill
“The only way I can be angry at you is when I have thought, said or done something that is unkind in my own opinion.” — Byron Katie
This sounds pretty backwards, but it resonates with me.
I really LOVE that quote. It made me think of this one from Mrs. Eleanor Roosevelt:
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
[...] love quotes. Jill had an excellent one today on THE DHX. It made me think of one of my favorites from Mrs. Eleanor Roosevelt: “No one [...]
“The only way I can be angry at you is when I have thought, said or done something that is unkind in my own opinion.”
I think this statement is backwards, but I am familiar with the logic or rather the irrationality, of the statement. It sounds like a sophisticated form of blame the victim thinking, which seeks to divert attention from the legitimacy of anger about someone’s behavior and make the wronged person question themselves.
Abusive people do become very angry when confronted with their behavior. They do not want to face their unkindness or have it pointed out to them. That does not mean this is true for everyone.
I’m not terribly familiar with Byron Katie, but isn’t she one who says ask, “Is it true?” Her statement may be true for some people some of the time, and perhaps for her, but it is obviously not always the case. Just because something sounds confusing and is stated as if it were fact, doesn’t mean it is deep.
Someone emailed me to ask me why this resonated with me and what it meant to me. Here’s what I think.
If I am in a challenging situation and I do what I think is right for me to do, regardless of what I fear the consequences might be or how another person might react, I feel light and free. (Sometimes this means telling a difficult truth to someone whose reaction I fear — telling someone I think they’re making a mistake or speaking up when a situation seems wrong or hurtful or unfair, even if I’m afraid the other person will retaliate or strike back.) If I hedge and try to control the situation by doing something I don’t deeply feel is right, a lot of times I start to feel crummy about the situation, myself, and almost immediately the other person. I start to blame them — “I had to do this thing because they are so unreasonable” — for my own decisions.