Wanting what’s best for the kids
Apr 5th, 2008 by Jill
I have a theory about why we, as co-parents, don’t always see eye to eye about what’s best for the kids. I think we’re trying to give the kids the best of our own childhood experiences. We’re each building on what we remember from our own childhoods as being especially helpful, especially lasting and grounding, especially growth-stimulating — and what we remember as being normal. At the same time we’re each trying to course-correct away from the things we remember being not helpful. And when we go into parenting auto-pilot, we’re often autopiloting using the ways our parents raised us as reference points (whether we’re steering toward them or away from them).
We all had different childhoods, though. We all had different best-of and to-be-avoided childhood experiences. And we’re all different people. The same childhood experiences might have been good for one of us and not good for another of us.
When we don’t see eye to eye about what’s best for the kids, it might be easy to assume that other person doesn’t really want what’s best for the kids. We know we do, because we know ourselves. We can see inside ourselves. We can’t see inside each other, though. And when another person doesn’t want what we think is clearly best for the kids, it seems like it might be easy to assume that they were being driven by dark motives (like control, selfishness, apathy, lashing out through the kids, or trying to win the kids’ favor).
We are lucky in our situation that we all know each other well enough to understand that while we may not always see eye to eye — especially initially — about what exactly that best thing for the kids is, we know that we are motivated by love and by good intentions and by a desire to do what is best for them. That knowledge is the lubricant that keeps the coparenting machine running instead of jamming up and melting down. We disagree deeply sometimes. We see some things very differently. But that knowledge — that we all have the kids’ best interests at heart — is what keeps us talking, what keeps working at coming to a place we can all agree to support, and what us refining our individual approaches to doing what’s best for the kids.
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Some things that come to my mind when I think of things coparents who want what’s best for their kids might not see eye to eye on:
- Should the kids go to church or not? If so, what kind of church?
- What kinds of extra-curricular activities should the kids participate in? How many activities? How much should they be pushed, if at all?
- What kind of school should the kids go to?
- What kinds of food should they be fed? How much should they be encouraged to follow their appetites and how much should they be encouraged to eat a “healthy, balanced diet”? What exactly is a “healthy, balanced diet”?
- When should bed time be?
- How much allowance should kids get? What should they be allowed or expected to spend it on? How should the kids be taught about money?
- How much screen time (video games, tv) should the kids have?
- How much exercise should the kids have?
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The thing is, to my mind, none of those things are as important as cooperating across houses. None of those things seem as important to me as giving the kids a parenting team who love each other. Those things are important, but in the constant triage of extended stepfamily life, it seems to me like what’s best for the kids is working to understand each other and giving each other the benefit of the doubt. And then after that, working to make parenting decisions that everyone can support to the extent possible when one choice needs to be made. And when one choice doesn’t really need to be made, accepting the differences.
My mother once gave me excellent advice. She said that the hardest thing about being married was that each of you come from different backgrounds and homes with different memories. If you listen closely to each other, you’ll learn what memories and backgrounds are important and which ones aren’t. If you talk openly and listen openly, you’ll never doubt where the other stands. The key is to respect that the other person has a valid opinion and find the middle ground.
I think in divorce situations, the above advise is still true. It’s the respecting part that is harder.
-d
This is a great post, Jill. What I’ve realized is that I really have it easy as far as things on the list you posted go. XH doesn’t take issue with any of those things or how they are currently being handled. What we tend to have conflict about is discipline. We have completely different styles. I talk things out and want to help the kids make good choices. XH is like a drill sergeant.
Discipline! I didn’t think of that and that’s a really good one.
We didn’t have trouble with it when we were married. It’s been since the kids have started getting older. XH still wants to rule with an iron fist whenever he’s around the kids. I think it has to do with him and his wife still having really young kids at their house (their kids are 6, 5 and 3, I think) and he’s not familiar with raising teens. He’s not very involved with the kids’ lives and doesn’t know what to do with them besides try to scare them into submission - which may work in the military, but not so well with teenagers and tweens.
I’m not sure yet how to to get to common ground with him or if we’ll even be able to. Maybe one day. . .
This entry really inspired me! I hope and pray that one day, my stepdaughters mother and I can attain a relationship similar to yours.