I bet I know what you’re thinking!
Mar 5th, 2008 by Jill
Are you thinking this?
“That’s nice that Kathy and Jill sing Kumbaya together every weekend while braiding daisies into each other’s hair, but they’re just lucky! I would love to have such a reasonable mom/stepmom in my life, but mine is just a whole different kind of person.”
Or this?
“I don’t want to be friends with the mom/stepmom in my life. That’s nice for you that you do, but I also think it’s kind of weird and gross.”
I hope by now you guys all know that I think there are a lot of ways to successfully co-parent, and they don’t all involve being best friends. And that I’m not sitting here thinking you should just suck it up and start holding hands, and that it’s the only way, and that if you don’t you’re bad. That’s silly!
(And if I did think that, you should tell me to go jump in the river.)
Here’s what I think, for what it’s worth: I didn’t know how cool Kathy was and how much I loved her until I started working on myself. Before I started working on myself, I saw her differently. There was a time when we were stuck in conflict, and I thought she was the problem. Over time, I came to see that it wasn’t true. Maybe we are unusually lucky. I see now that I’m lucky. I didn’t always know that I was.
Other people will have different stories, different co-parents, different selves, different kids, different problems and different answers. I do think that the only answer that works at the end of the day is to love each other. And to love each other in a way that doesn’t involve tit-for-tat. What that looks like in everyday life can be very, very different from extended stepfamily to extended stepfamily, though. For one group it might mean wishing each other well from a respectful distance and giving each other space and the benefit of the doubt as often as safely possible. For another set of people it could mean being good friends. But it doesn’t have to.
Related posts:
No daisies? Darn it! I was hoping you could teach me how to do that! (kidding)
I’ve not ever gotten the feeling that you think everyone should have what you and Kathy have been able to create. I feel fortunate to be able to have a peek into what you have, to see how it works and how it was established. I look forward to seeing how your relationship will continue to grow.
I’m in a situation where wishing stepmom and ex-husband well from a distance is working. I would like for things to be different. Having a good co-parenting relationship and others to share in this parenting journey would be wonderful. But it’s not for us right now. It may not ever be. And that’s ok. I’ll take the peace we have today and be thankful that it’s so much better than it was at the beginning.
Jill you’re hilarious…i actually pictured you singing “all you need is love” – trumpets and all…
You and Kathy, and probably countless others, are in a great place in your lives and in your relationship. Thank you for showing us another side of the step-life!
“Go jump in the river” is such a disappointing expression when, as I did, one grew up with the similar, but oh so much more colorful Yiddish expression, “gey kaken offen yam” (translation: go s**t in the ocean). Same meaning.
I totally get what you are saying.
That is what I am trying to figure out right now. I’m not trying to change BM; I’m trying to change myself so that I can feel good about the situation. I don’t know that it is possible to be friends with her, I’m not sure she is capable of real friendship with anyone (and I’m not good at phoney-baloney), but whatever the closest thing to that is, is what I’m looking for.
If anything, I just want to stop all the conflict.