The DHX: The Doughtie Houses Exchange

Here’s the secret the way I know it: it’s not about making the other person be different. It’s about working with what is. It’s about weaving a picture and a life I like out of the materials I find.

Nothing anyone else does can make me go to war with them in my heart. That is always my choice. It’s also my choice if I stay soft toward them in my heart.

If someone doesn’t talk to me, I can be at peace with them in my heart, wish them well, understand that this is the best they know how to do, pray for them if I pray, appreciate their good qualities as I see them, and try to empathize with them if it feels right. I can also notice where I feel pain, figure out what I need, and go about getting what I need. There are lots of ways to fill needs. No other person holds the key to filling my needs for me.

If someone talks to me in a way that makes me feel weak and powerless and pressured into something that feels wrong for me, I can notice those feelings. I can think about what needs they are connected to. I can recognize that this is the best this person knows how to do as far as communicating with me goes. I can try to figure out what I need. I can try to understand what they need. I can try to empathize with them out loud. I can tell them what is going on with me. I cannot make them empathize with me, but I can invite them to by being transparent about when I feel pain and what needs I’m trying to fill for myself. I can keep extending that invitation over time, even if it isn’t accepted for a long time.

Nothing someone else says to me can make me do anything. I am responsible for my own actions. No one else forces me to do anything. No one else forces me to feel anything or think anything or be anything. If I need emotional safety, I can go about getting it — it does not have to be tied to going to war inside myself with someone else. I can still wish them well. I can still see their good qualities, pray for them if I pray and go about getting what I need.

It’s never about making other people be a certain way. It’s always about being the person I want to be and doing what feels right to me in my heart of hearts in the situations I find myself in.

It’s not about bargaining. It’s not about “If you’ll be a good person, I’ll be a good person” — it’s about always being the person I know I should be. No matter what. Nothing any other person does excuses me from that.

It’s about being who I am, deep down.

I can’t control anyone else. Not my stepkids. Not my husband. Not my stepkids’ mom. Not my family of origin. Not my new extended family. All I can do is listen to my heart and my conscience, respond to what other people bring to the circle in a way that feels right to me, reach out to other people in the circle when it feels right to me, and do what I can to help things go right where I see opportunities and it feels right to me. I can work with what I find, I can bring new things to the circle that I think might enrich it, and I can respect the natures and stages of development of the other people in the circle. I can nurture myself, be responsible for myself, and reach out to the other people in the circle when it feels right. There are limits to what I can do to protect them. There is very little I can do to control them — and most of that causes more long-term harm than good. But I can grow, get stronger, take care of myself, be honest, be vulnerable when my heart tells me to, take time away when my heart tells me to, and say “No, I can’t do that,” when my heart tells me to. I can reach out in kindness. I can offer resources. I can accept resources. I can offer advice, if it seems right. I can listen. I can share from my bounty, create fun, help out when my heart tells me to, learn and enjoy. I can cry when I feel pain, and I can hold other people’s pain with them. I can shout, “Ow!” when I’m in pain and refrain from kicking anyone else in the shins. I can give in when my heart tells me to. I can respect other people’s agency, and remember that they are learning what they need to learn at the pace that is right for them. I can express concern and distress out of love if it seems appropriate. Or I can be quiet and let them see the situation for themselves, trusting that they will eventually see it clearly, if that seems most effective. I can empathize when people melt down. I can tell them how it hurts me. I can withdraw to a safe place and let them re-center themselves — and re-center myself — if that seems right. I can offer support — not based on the results, but because offering support feels right. Or if it doesn’t feel right, I can stand back — with love. I can ask for what I want, even though I know no one has to give it to me. And I can remember that it’s my responsibility to articulate my own needs and to see about getting them met persistently, honestly and with integrity.

I think we’re in the families we find ourselves in because we’re here to learn things from each other. The most difficult family members are our teachers. The best things to focus on are respecting those teachers, learning the lessons and skills we’re here to learn, and enjoying the always expanding life and love they open up for us inside of us.

We can’t fix each other. But over time, we might find that while we’re learning from each other and working on ourselves, we’re also healing each other.