Comments on: Thinking about victims and monster suits

By: Natalie

Natalie — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 12:36:20 +0000

I’ve been thinking about this concept a lot lately, the concept of victims and the victim’s perception of others. When I was in victim mode, I definitely saw ex-husband and then-girlfriend-now-wife as monsters. Only when I took accountability for my actions and quit feeling victimized, was I able to see them as people. They may be people who make different choices than I do, but they’re still people.

Thanks for this post, Jill.

By: Jennifer (Et Tu?)

Jennifer (Et Tu?) — Sat, 01 Mar 2008 21:28:57 +0000

Outsiders who haven’t lived through a similar kind of suffering don’t see the pain; they see the actions.

Wow, what a brilliant insight. I recently realized that I do the exact thing you’re talking about here, mentally compartmentalizing (and to some extent dehumanizing) people on the “other side” (I wrote a post about it here if you have any interest). Anyway, thanks for a great post.

By: Jill

Jill — Sat, 01 Mar 2008 18:54:20 +0000

Hi Little Wren, I do think it’s okay to see people through these lenses periodically — and I think you’re right — the key is not to get stuck in them. I’ve been thinking more about it since I wrote this post. Why is it a part of human nature? If it’s part of human nature, there’s probably a reason for it being there. I was thinking about the times in the past and present when I look through them in my own life. Sometimes it’s just a matter of me not really stopping to consider the other person’s experience, but sometimes these lenses have been the catalysts I have needed to make constructive changes at a time when all I knew was that something really wasn’t right. In hindsight I could see more clearly, but at the time this was the only working model I had — and things usually got better for me when I made changes to my situation. Sometimes they’ve also helped me detach or take time out from situations that have overwhelmed me beyond my ability at the time to do anything constructive or cope. Maybe it was my internal shutdown system going into action. Maybe shutting down sometimes serves a purpose. I think you are right — it is important not to stay or see other people in these roles permanently. But if we can see them as fluid — as roles we can move in and out of, maybe that’s a whole lot different.

By: stepmomologue

stepmomologue — Sat, 01 Mar 2008 16:32:00 +0000

Jill - Thank you for being the first to comment on my new blog. For quite some time now I have put stepparenting in a category all its own, ignoring any and all commonalities it shares with parenting. I am always harboring on how difficult it is to be a STEPparent without realizing that in reality it’s the parenting part that might be the most difficult. It never crossed my mind to look at mommy blogs. I’ve kind of considered them a different breed even! Thank you for that suggestion. I look forward to catching up on this blog…

By: Natalie

Natalie — Sat, 01 Mar 2008 04:44:15 +0000

This is a great post, Jill.
I want to post more of a comment, but need some time to get my thoughts straight. I’ll be back.

By: Little Wren

Little Wren — Sat, 01 Mar 2008 04:27:59 +0000

Jill, I’ve been thinking about this post a lot, especially in regards to the kids in my life. Being somewhat familiar with the behavioral challenges these kids pose, you can understand how it’s easy to see a violent, unremorseful child as a “monster”. Even thought that is such a harsh term for any child, I still feel that way sometimes.

And that leads me to feel like I have to protect myself, because I feel so vulnerable….I am at someone else’s mercy….I feel like a victim. I have been a victim of this horrible behavior.

Well, your words really struck me today. I had been thinking about some of the concepts in your post earlier this week, but didn’t realize the full scope, and couldn’t articulate it as you have here.

I understand and agree with your ideas and I would also offer that it might be ok to feel like a victim, or feel like someone else is a monster. I would even offer that there is a benefit in exploring those labels if there is an acknowledgment of the feelings that lead to those labels. But you are right - the danger occurs when we become stuck in these roles, or perpetually think of others that way. And you are right in that I and many others feel that we absolutely have good reason to think of some of the people in our lives as monsters.

I decided to engage with the children more this weekend. A big part of my decision was based on this post.

Tonight, I chose *not* to cast a particular child (who sometimes makes me feel unsafe in my own home) in the role of perpetual monster. I chose to remind myself that I do not have to feel like a victim. And the risk paid off this time. We were just people, spending a Friday night together. We played games together, talked, and ate dinner together.

Now, the real challenge is to keep my heart open when the kids do something else that is hurtful and disrespectful. That does not mean that we will not address it. But I will really need to remind myself that I am not always the victim, and they are not always the monsters.

By: Mrs. H

Mrs. H — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 23:24:47 +0000

A very thought-provoking post.
One of the hardest things to do is show sympathy or pity for people who are on the offensive against you. But just like pain, sympathy or pity doesn’t always present itself in a way we would expect. Sometimes demonstrating true sympathy and pity takes the form of taking action to prevent a person from further harming themselves or others.

I truly believe that BM is not completely aware of how her perception of the world makes life so difficult for her sons and the people around her. I’m sure that she believes her lack of friends is due to their faults as people and not her faults. I am equally sure that some of the aggressive cruel actions she has taken against Husband and I were not out of malice but self-preservation. The day I found true forgiveness for these things was the day I began to be a better person.

Still, one cannot deny the reality of actions, and when it comes to protecting children, sometimes sympathy for the pain behind actions simply isn’t enough. While I feel great sympathy for BM’s mental health issues, I cannot allow it to make me vulnerable or blind to what that really means. My stepsons, my husband and my sons deserve better.

In the meantime, as a Christian woman, I pray for God to help her before her illness and her pain destroy her most precious relationships.

By: Daniel (Srebrenica Genocide Blog Editor)

Daniel (Srebrenica Genocide Blog Editor) — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 06:46:13 +0000

“A person who feels like a victim struggling against a monster can probably pretty safely bet that the ‘monster’ sees things in reverse.”

Criminals and evil people in general lack logic and they see things in totally different light than victims. If you do research on Srebrenica genocide, you will be amazed at what tactics Srebrenica genocide deniers use to deny undeniable.

By: C.

C. — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 03:57:12 +0000

I really like this post. It made me think. Actually, I’m going to ponder this for a while. I know I’ve definitely played both roles. Interesting, very interesting…