Thinking about victims and monster suits
Feb 28th, 2008 by Jill
Pain looks different from the inside than it does from the outside.
From the inside when we act out in pain, we see ourselves as victims. From the outside, when we act out in pain, we look like monsters.
Outsiders who haven’t lived through a similar kind of suffering don’t see the pain; they see the actions.
The victim might be pushing back against unfairness or pulling away from being hurt, and they usually think that they are justified in doing what they have to do to take care of themselves or their loved ones. People who don’t identify with the victim’s position just see pushing or pulling. It often looks aggressive and out of proportion.
If someone is pushing or pulling against us, it really seems out of proportion, unjustified and sometimes even unprovoked. What kind of person would hurt us like that out of the blue? We push or pull back. We defend ourselves. We’re trying to make things fair or right or the way they should be. We’re might even say we’re victims, and that we’re justified in doing what we have to do to make things right. We’re dealing with unreasonable people. People who don’t get it.
That’s how the cycle of violence starts. One side sees a threat to themselves or their loved ones and pushes or pulls against it. They don’t see the pain they’re causing — they see the pain they’re trying to prevent to their own side. Side two doesn’t see the threat the same way the first side sees it — what they mostly see is pushing or pulling against themselves or their loved ones. What they see is that they’re being attacked. They push or pull back. They feel justified in protecting themselves or their loved ones. The first side doesn’t see how powerful or threatening their protective actions looked to the second side. They just see the second side’s response, and it almost always looks really, really scary. This confirms that there really is a threat, and that they need take more action to scare away, fight off, freeze off or otherwise keep away the monster that has caused pain and harm and that is likely to cause more. What one side sees as stamping out danger or making things be fair, the other side sees as aggression.
We tend to see our own side as weak and vulnerable. We see ourselves as taking necessary measures against a big, scary, dangerous opponent. We under-see our own power and how much hurt we’re inflicting on the other side. We see mostly our own pain or the pain of our loved ones (victims) and we see what the other person is doing that causes the pain (monster). They see their own pain or the pain of their loved ones (victims), and what we’re doing that causes it (monster).
A person who looks like a monster on the outside is often a person who feels powerless and like a victim.
A person who feels like a victim struggling against a monster can probably pretty safely bet that the “monster” sees things in reverse.
So here’s my theory in a nutshell: when we act like victims, we look like monsters. When trying to fend off pain for ourselves or our loved ones, we often hurt other people. As long as we don’t see the people around us as fully human — people whose feelings and needs are as important as our own — we can’t see how much hurt we’re inflicting or how scary we can be. These hurt people around us then feel like victims and there’s a very strong temptation not to see us as fully human. This can start a cycle of violence. We end up with a bunch of people who see themselves as victims fighting the good fight against monsters. But when we’re on the battlefield, we all think we’re the victims and we all see monsters, clear as day, in front of us. No one thinks they’re a monster.
Sometimes if we have doubts we gather friends around to reassure us that we’re not monsters — we’re definitely innocent victims fighting monsters. Chances are, though, we’re a little of both. Even though we would never, never mean to be.
Inside every monster suit is a victim who doesn’t know they’re wearing a monster suit.
Being a victim is dangerous.
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P.S. I am not a Buddha or a saint. I’ve ended all kinds of relationships because I didn’t know how to fix them. I don’t have all the answers. I think the victim/monster understanding of relationships is part of the way the human brain works. Unfortunately. And I think it’s a powerful optical illusion that creates even more problems, all the while dangling out a carrot — just out of reach — that if we keep pushing or pulling, we’ll fix things. And I think having things work out that way — one more push or pull and the monster is vanquished and the conflict is over and we’re vindicated and we ride off into the sunset — is extremely rare. I’m not sure it’s good for us when it does happen. Usually there’s a sequel.
I really like this post. It made me think. Actually, I’m going to ponder this for a while. I know I’ve definitely played both roles. Interesting, very interesting…
“A person who feels like a victim struggling against a monster can probably pretty safely bet that the ‘monster’ sees things in reverse.”
Criminals and evil people in general lack logic and they see things in totally different light than victims. If you do research on Srebrenica genocide, you will be amazed at what tactics Srebrenica genocide deniers use to deny undeniable.
A very thought-provoking post.
One of the hardest things to do is show sympathy or pity for people who are on the offensive against you. But just like pain, sympathy or pity doesn’t always present itself in a way we would expect. Sometimes demonstrating true sympathy and pity takes the form of taking action to prevent a person from further harming themselves or others.
I truly believe that BM is not completely aware of how her perception of the world makes life so difficult for her sons and the people around her. I’m sure that she believes her lack of friends is due to their faults as people and not her faults. I am equally sure that some of the aggressive cruel actions she has taken against Husband and I were not out of malice but self-preservation. The day I found true forgiveness for these things was the day I began to be a better person.
Still, one cannot deny the reality of actions, and when it comes to protecting children, sometimes sympathy for the pain behind actions simply isn’t enough. While I feel great sympathy for BM’s mental health issues, I cannot allow it to make me vulnerable or blind to what that really means. My stepsons, my husband and my sons deserve better.
In the meantime, as a Christian woman, I pray for God to help her before her illness and her pain destroy her most precious relationships.
Jill, I’ve been thinking about this post a lot, especially in regards to the kids in my life. Being somewhat familiar with the behavioral challenges these kids pose, you can understand how it’s easy to see a violent, unremorseful child as a “monster”. Even thought that is such a harsh term for any child, I still feel that way sometimes.
And that leads me to feel like I have to protect myself, because I feel so vulnerable….I am at someone else’s mercy….I feel like a victim. I have been a victim of this horrible behavior.
Well, your words really struck me today. I had been thinking about some of the concepts in your post earlier this week, but didn’t realize the full scope, and couldn’t articulate it as you have here.
I understand and agree with your ideas and I would also offer that it might be ok to feel like a victim, or feel like someone else is a monster. I would even offer that there is a benefit in exploring those labels if there is an acknowledgment of the feelings that lead to those labels. But you are right – the danger occurs when we become stuck in these roles, or perpetually think of others that way. And you are right in that I and many others feel that we absolutely have good reason to think of some of the people in our lives as monsters.
I decided to engage with the children more this weekend. A big part of my decision was based on this post.
Tonight, I chose *not* to cast a particular child (who sometimes makes me feel unsafe in my own home) in the role of perpetual monster. I chose to remind myself that I do not have to feel like a victim. And the risk paid off this time. We were just people, spending a Friday night together. We played games together, talked, and ate dinner together.
Now, the real challenge is to keep my heart open when the kids do something else that is hurtful and disrespectful. That does not mean that we will not address it. But I will really need to remind myself that I am not always the victim, and they are not always the monsters.
This is a great post, Jill.
I want to post more of a comment, but need some time to get my thoughts straight. I’ll be back.
Jill – Thank you for being the first to comment on my new blog. For quite some time now I have put stepparenting in a category all its own, ignoring any and all commonalities it shares with parenting. I am always harboring on how difficult it is to be a STEPparent without realizing that in reality it’s the parenting part that might be the most difficult. It never crossed my mind to look at mommy blogs. I’ve kind of considered them a different breed even! Thank you for that suggestion. I look forward to catching up on this blog…
Hi Little Wren, I do think it’s okay to see people through these lenses periodically — and I think you’re right — the key is not to get stuck in them. I’ve been thinking more about it since I wrote this post. Why is it a part of human nature? If it’s part of human nature, there’s probably a reason for it being there. I was thinking about the times in the past and present when I look through them in my own life. Sometimes it’s just a matter of me not really stopping to consider the other person’s experience, but sometimes these lenses have been the catalysts I have needed to make constructive changes at a time when all I knew was that something really wasn’t right. In hindsight I could see more clearly, but at the time this was the only working model I had — and things usually got better for me when I made changes to my situation. Sometimes they’ve also helped me detach or take time out from situations that have overwhelmed me beyond my ability at the time to do anything constructive or cope. Maybe it was my internal shutdown system going into action. Maybe shutting down sometimes serves a purpose. I think you are right — it is important not to stay or see other people in these roles permanently. But if we can see them as fluid — as roles we can move in and out of, maybe that’s a whole lot different.
Outsiders who haven’t lived through a similar kind of suffering don’t see the pain; they see the actions.
Wow, what a brilliant insight. I recently realized that I do the exact thing you’re talking about here, mentally compartmentalizing (and to some extent dehumanizing) people on the “other side” (I wrote a post about it here if you have any interest). Anyway, thanks for a great post.
I’ve been thinking about this concept a lot lately, the concept of victims and the victim’s perception of others. When I was in victim mode, I definitely saw ex-husband and then-girlfriend-now-wife as monsters. Only when I took accountability for my actions and quit feeling victimized, was I able to see them as people. They may be people who make different choices than I do, but they’re still people.
Thanks for this post, Jill.