What’s normal?
Feb 20th, 2008 by Jill
Check out this confession post and all of the confession comments over at Mormon Mommy Wars. Sometimes in the mom-stepmom world, I think we get super careful about doing a good enough job because we know another woman is going to be seeing and hearing all kinds of intimate details about what we’re doing and that she’s not likely to be a very sympathetic observer. And sometimes, sometimes, I think it’s easy to look down on the other woman when she’s parenting in a way that’s … well … pretty normal, actually. I think the things people are confessing to in the comments to this post are just that: pretty normal. If kids are getting love, there’s such a range of things parents can do or not do and still have the kids turn out okay. That’s my theory anyway.
(And yes, I have a crush on Mormons. I lurk in their blogs. I read their books. I’m an atheist, but Mormon culture hits me where I live. And I’m linking to a “mommy confessions” post on a Mormon mommy blog because Mormons have some of the strongest family values I’ve ever heard of. These are folks who clearly love their families, they’re devoted parents and spouses, and they sacrifice a lot for their families. And they still struggle and compromise and maybe occasionally let a kid eat Cheetos for breakfast. That’s why I think this is such a good comment thread to read when trying to figure out what’s normal in parenting.)
Hi Jill,
Would you believe that I just finished reading those confession comments before I clicked over to your blog? I am just like you (well, not just like, I describe myself as an agnostic), but I have a crush on Mormons, too! I have ever since I was 19 and did a play at the Glendale Centre Theatre (run by Mormons). They fascinate me, and yes, I think their culture hits me where I live, too. And I was just recently thinking about this! Uncanny!
Have you ever seen an episode of “Big Love”? If so, what did you think? They have an interesting parenting situation! Not really stepmoms, but in some ways I can only imagine there are similarities. I’m not a mom or stepmom myself so I really have no idea.
And if Hollywood (of Hollywood Flakes) happens to be reading this, what do you think of “Big Love”? I’d love to hear a Mormon perspective of it…maybe not on here…don’t want to hijack the stepmom blog!–maybe on your blog?
Amy
It’s nice to meet you by email! I like the first season of the TV show (I haven’t seen the second season), but I wouldn’t want to live it!
What I love about Mormon culture is the strong family values — the stay-at-home mom culture, the serious striving to live with integrity, kindness, love, honesty, faithfulness and the commitment to health. I’m not a fan of polygamy — and it’s not part of contemporary mainstream Mormon culture, from what I understand. If consenting adults want have polygamous relationships, I have no problem with that — for other people (who are all consenting adults!).
One of my tender buttons about the extended stepfamily situation is that I don’t really like looking like a polygamous family. I like the one wife, one husband marriage situation very, very much. In Big Love, the women share one husband, but they don’t share kids. They each raise their kids the way they want to — they help each other out in pinches, but each mom is in charge of her own set of kids. What’s different in extended stepfamily situations is that we don’t share mates, but we do share kids. That’s also a pretty soul-stretching situation, but a pretty different kind of one.
Please feel free to debate away about polygamy, Big Love, Mormonism and stepfamily living, by the way! Never be afraid of hijacking this blog! I love discussions that take on a life of their own and go in depth in unexpected directions. They’re always welcome here.
Hi Jill,
That is a good point–they don’t seem to get too much into the business of how each raises their own children, but they do share the husband. So it’s actually almost the opposite of the step-parent situation. I only saw the first season…it got a little too soap opera-y for me, but I just recently caught a couple of episodes from the 2nd season and I got drawn back in a little.
It sounds like I like the same things about the Mormans as you. I am not married, but would one day like to get married and be a stay-at-home mom–or at least only work part time. It’s difficult to find a guy who is not so consumed by consumerism that this might actually be possible. But I keep my fingers crossed. Because of my age, it is within the realm of possiblity that I end up a stepmom myself…so it is good to know that I know where to find good advice if that happens!
It’s nice to “meet” you too! If you do ‘office hours’ again, hopefully I’ll be able to make it. I’m just starting up with blogging again and could probably use some pointers.
Hope you’re staying cozy in this cloudy weather!
Amy
Those confessions are a hoot! Loved that post. Thanks for the link, Jill.
I admire the Morman faith for exactly the same reasons, Jill. I didn’t know a lot about their faith, and the interconnection of family, spousal relationships, and child-rearing until I started to become friends with my neighbor. She has some really fabulous perspectives on life in these times, the part religion plays in her life, how she views her husband, and how she treats her loved ones. I believe that most of her ‘world views’ are fundamentally religious by nature, and that everything she does is for the sake of her family. I crush on the Morman faith, in huge way. Such strong values raise kids with strong values as well; in some ways, I wish that my own family had something that strong to hold on to, but I suppose we do in different ways. Thanks for the link!
I have been laughing so hard for the past 5 minutes that my cheecks hurt, my sides ache and I AM SO APPRECIATIVE OF THIS LINK YOU HAVE NO IDEA!!!!!! Oh, that is so wonderful. I am going to link to your post on my blog, I hope that’s okay?
[...] 22, 2008 by zarlyng I found this at The DHX today. Thanks [...]
Absolutely!
Between the Mom/Stepmom, I do think there is the “normal look-down” one gives the other. Mainly because we live in a competitive society and we to are competitive in nature. We want to do our best, and we have to put down others in order for ourselves to stand taller.
Yet I think it has more to do with wanting approval from the other. The simple recognition from the other, or just a pat on the back to to say damn you are a kick-ass mom!
Either way we need to empower the other mom and assume she is always doing her best. This is my 2 cents being rambled…….
and your mileage may vary.
Glad to find your site. Impressive!
Good point. I know I crave approval from Kathy, G, the moms at the kids’ schools and the world in general — a LOT.