The trouble with bad guys
Feb 7th, 2008 by Jill
The trouble with having a bad guy causing conflict and pain is that if they have a point — if their point of view is ever right — if they ever stop looking entirely like a bad guy — all of a sudden there’s a bad guy void that somebody has to fill. If the conflict isn’t her fault, is it my fault? Am I the bad guy? Some bad guy must be causing all this misery. Whose fault is it? I know myself. I know why I’m doing what I’m doing. I’m not the bad guy. It must be her.
I don’t believe in bad guys. I believe in people in pain who do not see the entire picture who sometimes lash out or freeze over and make mistakes that hurt other people. I believe in people in pain who are trying to get their needs met in a way that doesn’t work. I can be that person sometimes without losing my humanity in my own mind. She can be that person sometimes without her losing her humanity in my mind, too.
It doesn’t excuse the mistakes, but it does allow us to accept our own mistakes more easily and fix them. It lets us focus on what we can do — not what we can’t do. If we’re not struggling against being the bad guy ourselves — if we’re still lovable, sympathetic characters (which we are!) — it’s easier to acknowledge and fix the things we ourselves are doing that are hurting other people. If we let go of the need to see the other house as the bad guy, we can let go of the struggle to prove to ourselves that we’re not the bad guy either. And we can start making changes that help make our lives run more smoothly.
It’s not about being a good person. It’s about being a happy person — enjoying life with my family. It’s about feeling good at the end of the day.
