I used to think something like this was possible:
I used to think that the amount of happiness at one house or the well-being of one house could be separate from the amount of happiness or the well-being of the other. One house might be doing better or worse than the other and it shouldn’t have anything to do with the other house.
But over time, I realized that model just didn’t work. The kids connect us, and we are always connected to them, even when they are not with us.
When the kids are happy it affects us. When the kids are unhappy it affects us.
It goes even further. When we adults are happy or unhappy, it affects the kids. And that affects the other house, too.
If someone’s in pain, we can’t just say, “That’s not my problem.” It is all of our problem, because it will affect all of us one way or another.
And what we add to the system comes back to us.
Happiness that we add to the system comes back to us. Hurt that we add to the system, or that we see and do not sit with and soothe is hurt that will hurt us. None of us can hurt without the others of us feeling it somehow. We can’t take our happiness at the expense of another person in the system, because the pain they feel will come back through the system to bite us. If we think we’re sending good things, but the other person sees them as bad things, that’s our problem, too. We can’t just dismiss their perceptions. If they see and feel pain, we will feel it, too. If someone in the system feels miserable or scared or angry or threatened or enraged, it will affect us. There is no way for us to shut them out. We can’t eject anyone from the system without hurting the kids (and ultimately hurting ourselves).
It’s like living in a fish bowl where we don’t have control over the other fish, but we can all do things to affect the water we all live in. If we add poop to the water, even if it’s on the other side of the fishbowl, all the water will be affected by the pollution. If we clean things up, we’re cleaning up the bowl we live in. For better or for worse, we’re connected.
I L.O.V.E. the visual aides. It was a perfect way to explain the way it all “flows.” If you don’t mind, I would love to copy the pictures to have for future reference.
Sure!!!
Interesting and true concept. Given this conceit, do you think I should take down the podcasts?
No, I don’t. If you read Kathy’s book, it’s not all positive about G, but here we are promoting on this blog. (With G’s blessing.) Your perspective is your perspective. You aren’t trashing your kids’ dad. You aren’t calling him names. You’re talking about things that happened and how you interpreted them. One of the reasons I love your podcast so much is that you’re so conscious all the time that you see only your own part of the picture, and you’re always curious and willing to consider other ideas. This might be too much to think about doing, but you miiiiiiight consider offering him a voice on the podcast — offering to include a soundclip he wants to record, or offering to include his point of view. That would be so mind-blowingly awesome. The thing is, I love you! (If that’s not too hokey to say never having met and all.) I know you’re not perfect because I’ve never met anyone who was — and there’s nothing your kids’ dad could say that would make me feel differently. We all have dark sides. No dark side — no other perspective or interpretation of the past or present — can cancel out the beautiful you that is you. I bet you I’d like X, too, but it wouldn’t come out of how much I totally dig you. I love your voice — and I’m not talking about the way it sounds, although you have a great voice. I love the light you bring to the internet.
I think the thing to do is to keep the past — keep all our archives — and add to them. As we understand more, add that new understanding to what we publish. I wish I’d done that with my past blogs.
I fight that mentality all the time. Seperate lives requires the kids to seperate their own lives into parts. This model is wonderful and I love it!
-d
[to Laurie again] The thing is, you can’t give up what you need in this system to make other people happy — because then you’re adding hurt to the system. You can’t hurt yourself to make it work. The super tricky hard part that’s always a challenge is figuring out how to work together so everybody’s needs get met as much as possible. Nobody — including you — can be sacrificed. I wonder what your kids’ dad really needs or craves? Maybe to have his side of the story heard and understood? Maybe more privacy? Maybe he feels like his identity is out of his control? Does he feel humiliated? There must be a way to address his concerns while also doing what you need to do.
I love you, too, Jill! And this blog. Ya’ know, it has crossed my mind to “interview” X on the podcast. I don’t think he’d go along….at least not now. Perspective is so interesting and so powerful. X ’s perspective is that I *am* trashing him. (and worse) He is dumping a lot of $$ into that perspective with attorneys. (Which makes me *want* to trash him!) And Kathy’s book is on my list!
Very sweet. Sometimes its’ the most simple explanations that make it all make sense.
That said, your house sounds comfy and nice. Can I come live there?
IR
Any day!