Comments on: From there to here http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/31/from-there-to-here/ A mom and a stepmom share stories, ideas, friendship and family Wed, 03 Dec 2008 23:53:42 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.6.3 By: Stephanie http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/31/from-there-to-here/#comment-680 Stephanie Sat, 02 Feb 2008 01:27:12 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/31/from-there-to-here/#comment-680 Hi Jill. What a very nice post. I am truly glad that you had the "Aha" moment and that you and Kathy have been able to get over your initial animosity. It is so much better for the kids. I do think that there is a natural time period during which all parties have some animosity, or at least during which they tread softly around each other. It is always wonderful to hear about Stepmoms and Bio-Moms that can move past that period into a period of genuine understanding and partnership. Sometimes, though, that is just not possible. Even with the very best of intentions. There are many Stepmoms out there right now, myself included, dealing with Bio-moms with serious mental illness. While at a core level we feel for Bio-mom as a human being (we wouldn't want anyone to be in the place she is, no matter what), dealing with the fallout, akin to the ravages of nuclear war for some of us, is difficult to face without anger. Watching another human being seek continually to destroy the people we love is not typically conducive to a peaceful, loving, gentle reaction. I am glad that you and Kathy worked through your initial negative feelings towards each other. I'm glad that there are many others out there benefiting from the information here. I know that much of it helps me even though I know I will never be in your shoes. I appreciate your candor, your genuine concern for this community, and your lack of judgment for those of us in very different situations. Hi Jill. What a very nice post. I am truly glad that you had the “Aha” moment and that you and Kathy have been able to get over your initial animosity. It is so much better for the kids.

I do think that there is a natural time period during which all parties have some animosity, or at least during which they tread softly around each other. It is always wonderful to hear about Stepmoms and Bio-Moms that can move past that period into a period of genuine understanding and partnership.

Sometimes, though, that is just not possible. Even with the very best of intentions. There are many Stepmoms out there right now, myself included, dealing with Bio-moms with serious mental illness. While at a core level we feel for Bio-mom as a human being (we wouldn’t want anyone to be in the place she is, no matter what), dealing with the fallout, akin to the ravages of nuclear war for some of us, is difficult to face without anger. Watching another human being seek continually to destroy the people we love is not typically conducive to a peaceful, loving, gentle reaction.

I am glad that you and Kathy worked through your initial negative feelings towards each other. I’m glad that there are many others out there benefiting from the information here. I know that much of it helps me even though I know I will never be in your shoes.

I appreciate your candor, your genuine concern for this community, and your lack of judgment for those of us in very different situations.

]]> By: lisa http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/31/from-there-to-here/#comment-679 lisa Fri, 01 Feb 2008 23:40:39 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/31/from-there-to-here/#comment-679 Great post.. I hear ya about the description of 'crazy' being used for moms/stepmoms alot.. Ugh. I'm finding out, now that SD is an adult, that my hunches were somewhat correct about her childhood and mom/SF's motivations. It's sad, but it is what it is. I wish they'd sit back and realize the same about us, as I think we could all really get along, for SD's sake. If only.. Great post.. I hear ya about the description of ‘crazy’ being used for moms/stepmoms alot.. Ugh.
I’m finding out, now that SD is an adult, that my hunches were somewhat correct about her childhood and mom/SF’s motivations. It’s sad, but it is what it is.

I wish they’d sit back and realize the same about us, as I think we could all really get along, for SD’s sake. If only..

]]> By: Laurie from divorcingdaze http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/31/from-there-to-here/#comment-678 Laurie from divorcingdaze Fri, 01 Feb 2008 20:59:08 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/31/from-there-to-here/#comment-678 The pain that I feel (and I do feel it!!!) is having to share my children with X -- someone I don't trust nor like. The pain that I feel (and I do feel it!!!) is having to share my children with X — someone I don’t trust nor like.

]]> By: Jill http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/31/from-there-to-here/#comment-677 Jill Fri, 01 Feb 2008 20:39:49 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/31/from-there-to-here/#comment-677 Hi Natalie, I'd love to hear about what you think of them, and whether you like them! Hi Natalie, I’d love to hear about what you think of them, and whether you like them!

]]> By: Jill http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/31/from-there-to-here/#comment-676 Jill Fri, 01 Feb 2008 20:17:25 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/31/from-there-to-here/#comment-676 Hi Laurie from divorcingdaze, it's so great to know that women like you and Kathy have such an inclusive feeling about other women in their children's lives. It seems like a painful thing to have to share your children with someone you didn't choose. Just remembering that feeling I had when I was imagining myself through the process made me want to open my doors a lot more to Kathy, ask her advice about taking care of the kids, and address any concerns she had about how they were being taken care of. It made me want to try to be the woman I would want on the other end if the tables were ever turned. Hi Laurie from divorcingdaze, it’s so great to know that women like you and Kathy have such an inclusive feeling about other women in their children’s lives. It seems like a painful thing to have to share your children with someone you didn’t choose. Just remembering that feeling I had when I was imagining myself through the process made me want to open my doors a lot more to Kathy, ask her advice about taking care of the kids, and address any concerns she had about how they were being taken care of. It made me want to try to be the woman I would want on the other end if the tables were ever turned.

]]> By: Natalie http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/31/from-there-to-here/#comment-675 Natalie Fri, 01 Feb 2008 18:16:47 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/31/from-there-to-here/#comment-675 Thanks, Jill. It's interesting that you and Kathy were both working on your perceptions around the same time. I just requested a copy of 'The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships' by Harriet Lerner from paperbackswap.com and ordered a copy of "The Anatomy of Peace" from eBay. I've also bookmarked the websites with the other two Arbinger Institute books that you referenced. Thanks, Jill. It’s interesting that you and Kathy were both working on your perceptions around the same time.

I just requested a copy of ‘The Dance of Anger: A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships’ by Harriet Lerner from paperbackswap.com and ordered a copy of “The Anatomy of Peace” from eBay. I’ve also bookmarked the websites with the other two Arbinger Institute books that you referenced.

]]> By: Laurie from divorcingdaze http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/31/from-there-to-here/#comment-674 Laurie from divorcingdaze Fri, 01 Feb 2008 18:13:47 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/31/from-there-to-here/#comment-674 Great post, Jill. It's interesting...I have way better feelings for X's live-in girlfriend than I do for X. I like her. I don't like X. I imagine X has told his girlfriend that I am mean and crazy and real crazy. How else could he justify that he "left" (had an affair) when our children were 1 and 3 -- mere babies. X couldn't possibly tell his girlfriend what a lovely gal I am. Don't women know better? Aren't we smarter than that? I am thankful every day that when my children spend time with X, there is a woman on board... Great post, Jill. It’s interesting…I have way better feelings for X’s live-in girlfriend than I do for X. I like her. I don’t like X. I imagine X has told his girlfriend that I am mean and crazy and real crazy. How else could he justify that he “left” (had an affair) when our children were 1 and 3 — mere babies. X couldn’t possibly tell his girlfriend what a lovely gal I am. Don’t women know better? Aren’t we smarter than that? I am thankful every day that when my children spend time with X, there is a woman on board…

]]> By: Mommy of 4 http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/31/from-there-to-here/#comment-673 Mommy of 4 Fri, 01 Feb 2008 17:48:37 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/31/from-there-to-here/#comment-673 This post is wonderful! I hope that more people read it and finally have that "Aha" moment. The "stepmother" figure in my children's lives views everything I do as crazy. I agree with -d, I would like to send this to several people I know. I had to read it more than once and it has hit me on many different levels. Thank you for sharing! This post is wonderful! I hope that more people read it and finally have that “Aha” moment. The “stepmother” figure in my children’s lives views everything I do as crazy. I agree with -d, I would like to send this to several people I know. I had to read it more than once and it has hit me on many different levels. Thank you for sharing!

]]> By: -d http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/31/from-there-to-here/#comment-672 -d Fri, 01 Feb 2008 17:24:48 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/31/from-there-to-here/#comment-672 I've read this post several times. The words haunt me on many levels. I want to send them to a dozen mothers/stepmothers that I know and say "SEE! SEE!" Myself included. -d I’ve read this post several times. The words haunt me on many levels. I want to send them to a dozen mothers/stepmothers that I know and say “SEE! SEE!” Myself included.
-d

]]> By: lucky13 http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/31/from-there-to-here/#comment-671 lucky13 Fri, 01 Feb 2008 14:19:30 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/31/from-there-to-here/#comment-671 Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for your honesty.

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