Comments on: Hang in there, chickadees. http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/20/hang-in-there-chickadees/ A mom and a stepmom share stories, ideas, friendship and family Wed, 03 Dec 2008 22:52:45 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.6.3 By: anne http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/20/hang-in-there-chickadees/#comment-660 anne Sun, 27 Jan 2008 23:51:28 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/20/hang-in-there-chickadees/#comment-660 I love those "door" opportunities to either "grow or stay stuck." I love them because when I am feeling absolutely hopeless in my stuck state, all of the sudden I realize that I have all of the power I need to change my situation...all I have to do is change my perspective, or grow. I love those “door” opportunities to either “grow or stay stuck.”
I love them because when I am feeling absolutely hopeless in my stuck state, all of the sudden I realize that I have all of the power I need to change my situation…all I have to do is change my perspective, or grow.

]]> By: Jill http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/20/hang-in-there-chickadees/#comment-626 Jill Wed, 23 Jan 2008 01:26:09 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/20/hang-in-there-chickadees/#comment-626 I spent some time in stepmom forums in my early, frustrated days, and I agree -- for just plain venting, I think they're safer. And it wasn't just venting, either. I had some sense knocked into me by some more experienced women on the forums who helped me realize what I could be doing better. I never called anyone names, but I was really lost and frustrated and didn't know what to do, and it helped to know there was a place I could go. It was useful. For me, it wasn't the venting part that was useful -- it was the sense being talked into me -- but maybe for me that was part of the venting process after all? And all of our situations are different. It must be hard not to answer the mom in your situation back in public online. I spent some time in stepmom forums in my early, frustrated days, and I agree — for just plain venting, I think they’re safer. And it wasn’t just venting, either. I had some sense knocked into me by some more experienced women on the forums who helped me realize what I could be doing better. I never called anyone names, but I was really lost and frustrated and didn’t know what to do, and it helped to know there was a place I could go. It was useful. For me, it wasn’t the venting part that was useful — it was the sense being talked into me — but maybe for me that was part of the venting process after all? And all of our situations are different.

It must be hard not to answer the mom in your situation back in public online.

]]> By: justadoggiemom http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/20/hang-in-there-chickadees/#comment-625 justadoggiemom Wed, 23 Jan 2008 01:15:46 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/20/hang-in-there-chickadees/#comment-625 The way I vent and make sure that the biomom or my stepdaughter will never see it is that I do my venting on a private message board for stepmoms. Membership must be granted by the owner of the website and the owner goes to great lengths to verify identity before access is granted. We have a very small, tightly-knit community there where I feel safely venting about stepmom frustrations whether it's regarding the kids or the biomom. On the other hand, the biomom has posted some very accusatory and defamatory things about my husband on a VERY public website, along with his picture and our city of residence. It makes me wonder why I'm going through so much effort to protect her and my stepdaughter from my feelings. Despite what she's done, I'm not stooping to her level...and my ability to resist slinging mud back comes only out of love for my stepdaughter. The way I vent and make sure that the biomom or my stepdaughter will never see it is that I do my venting on a private message board for stepmoms. Membership must be granted by the owner of the website and the owner goes to great lengths to verify identity before access is granted. We have a very small, tightly-knit community there where I feel safely venting about stepmom frustrations whether it’s regarding the kids or the biomom.

On the other hand, the biomom has posted some very accusatory and defamatory things about my husband on a VERY public website, along with his picture and our city of residence. It makes me wonder why I’m going through so much effort to protect her and my stepdaughter from my feelings. Despite what she’s done, I’m not stooping to her level…and my ability to resist slinging mud back comes only out of love for my stepdaughter.

]]> By: Jill http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/20/hang-in-there-chickadees/#comment-622 Jill Tue, 22 Jan 2008 14:19:47 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/20/hang-in-there-chickadees/#comment-622 Ooooooh, interesting. I am starting to think a little differently about this. Ooooooh, interesting. I am starting to think a little differently about this.

]]> By: Laurie from divorcingdaze http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/20/hang-in-there-chickadees/#comment-621 Laurie from divorcingdaze Tue, 22 Jan 2008 12:38:18 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/20/hang-in-there-chickadees/#comment-621 So I suppose, writing about one's feelings is a pretty healthy way of dealing with things in the scheme of "dealing." So I suppose, writing about one’s feelings is a pretty healthy way of dealing with things in the scheme of “dealing.”

]]> By: Natalie http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/20/hang-in-there-chickadees/#comment-620 Natalie Tue, 22 Jan 2008 12:06:55 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/20/hang-in-there-chickadees/#comment-620 I agree, Jill. Kids are very perceptive. My kids are always aware of my moods. It's how we deal with our feelings that can cause so many problems. True, feelings are feelings and we should not feel guilty for them. When we react poorly to our feelings is when the trouble starts. Learning to work through those feelings and deal with them in a healthy way is what made all the difference for me. I agree, Jill. Kids are very perceptive. My kids are always aware of my moods.

It’s how we deal with our feelings that can cause so many problems. True, feelings are feelings and we should not feel guilty for them. When we react poorly to our feelings is when the trouble starts. Learning to work through those feelings and deal with them in a healthy way is what made all the difference for me.

]]> By: Jill http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/20/hang-in-there-chickadees/#comment-619 Jill Tue, 22 Jan 2008 04:47:57 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/20/hang-in-there-chickadees/#comment-619 Hi Laurie from divorcingdaze, I wonder about #2, too. Would kids be really shocked/surprised/hurt if they found secret journals online or on paper? I suspect that people -- especially kids -- know what we really think even if we never tell them. I could be wrong. But it's what I've always kinda thought. It's a messy world. Nobody should ever have to feel guilty about their feelings. They are what they are. But I'm not sure how well hiding them from the kids works at the end of the day. I'm also not advocating just telling them to the kids. I'm not really sure what I'm saying except that I'm not sure the kids don't already know, on some level, what we really think. Hi Laurie from divorcingdaze, I wonder about #2, too. Would kids be really shocked/surprised/hurt if they found secret journals online or on paper? I suspect that people — especially kids — know what we really think even if we never tell them. I could be wrong. But it’s what I’ve always kinda thought. It’s a messy world. Nobody should ever have to feel guilty about their feelings. They are what they are. But I’m not sure how well hiding them from the kids works at the end of the day. I’m also not advocating just telling them to the kids. I’m not really sure what I’m saying except that I’m not sure the kids don’t already know, on some level, what we really think.

]]> By: Laurie from divorcingdaze http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/20/hang-in-there-chickadees/#comment-618 Laurie from divorcingdaze Tue, 22 Jan 2008 04:18:38 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/20/hang-in-there-chickadees/#comment-618 kelly, 1) good rules to live by. 2) couldn't the kids just as well read your diary you hide in your cupboard? People have feelings. Even negative ones. Especially in the complicated world of divorce. IF the kids found it, do you think they would be that shocked anyhow? kelly,
1) good rules to live by.
2) couldn’t the kids just as well read your diary you hide in your cupboard? People have feelings. Even negative ones. Especially in the complicated world of divorce. IF the kids found it, do you think they would be that shocked anyhow?

]]> By: Natalie http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/20/hang-in-there-chickadees/#comment-616 Natalie Tue, 22 Jan 2008 02:04:02 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/20/hang-in-there-chickadees/#comment-616 Well written, Jill. Well written, Jill.

]]> By: Kelly http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/20/hang-in-there-chickadees/#comment-615 Kelly Mon, 21 Jan 2008 22:10:31 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/2008/01/20/hang-in-there-chickadees/#comment-615 I'm a biomom and stepmom, though my husband's daughters are adults and I haven't been an "active, in-home" stepmom for a couple of years. Based on my therapist's advice, one of my big rules was never to say anything negative about my ex to my kids, about my ex's new wife to my kids, or about the biomom of my stepdaughters. I tried to not be negative with my husband, though I know I didn't succeed completely. If my husband needed to vent about his ex, I would listen in that "Rogerian" way---"Oh, it sounds like you're feeling really frustrated that X is taking half your income in alimony and child support, and you're covering other expenses too" -- that sort of thing. I'm sure I chimed in to some extent, but I tried not to add boric acid to the open wound. If it is possible to blog anonymously about biomom or stepmom or whoever is bugging you, then go for it. How do you know the kids won't find it some day, some way? That's what worries me. I’m a biomom and stepmom, though my husband’s daughters are adults and I haven’t been an “active, in-home” stepmom for a couple of years. Based on my therapist’s advice, one of my big rules was never to say anything negative about my ex to my kids, about my ex’s new wife to my kids, or about the biomom of my stepdaughters. I tried to not be negative with my husband, though I know I didn’t succeed completely. If my husband needed to vent about his ex, I would listen in that “Rogerian” way—”Oh, it sounds like you’re feeling really frustrated that X is taking half your income in alimony and child support, and you’re covering other expenses too” — that sort of thing. I’m sure I chimed in to some extent, but I tried not to add boric acid to the open wound.

If it is possible to blog anonymously about biomom or stepmom or whoever is bugging you, then go for it. How do you know the kids won’t find it some day, some way? That’s what worries me.

]]>