Hang in there, chickadees.
Jan 20th, 2008 by Jill
It’s really, really hard to be a stepmom. The level of challenge is huge compared to the skills so many of us have going into the gig. And the sacrifice is perpetual. Some of us won’t end up having babies, even though we want them very, very much, because it’s part of the bargain of joining the families we’ve joined. Some of us will help pay for the kids’ school and care but won’t have very much say in deciding where they go to school or what kind of care they should have. Most of us will come in third in the parent sections of the kids’ hearts, no matter how much we love them. Some of us will feel pre-judged as we move through schools and churches and communities just because we’re stepmoms. Some of us will feel excluded from the mommy groups. Some of us live in houses that feel like history museums. Some of us move away from our own communities to be with our new families. Some of us will find that our sacrifices not only aren’t appreciated or admired — they’re seen with suspicion and distrust. Some of us have fantastically painful and agonizing relationships with our stepkids’ moms. Some of us feel very, very alone. Many of us don’t know other women in real life in similar situations, and until you’ve lived it, you can’t know how hard it can be. So we reach out over the internet.
Lori wrote a post a few days ago at The real world about how upsetting it was for her to find so many stepmom blogs that put down biomoms, and without naming names or linking, she gave a few examples of things she’d read online that disturbed her. People recognized them, and a big kerfuffle ensued. Here’s what I think: Most stepmoms desperately want to be understood, appreciated, loved, supported, and accepted. And I think — just because of how mixed up the world is — those are very hard things for most stepmoms to get.
I remember early in my relationship crying and saying, “I’m not a Buddha. I’m not a saint. This isn’t fair. It’s like people expect me to be a saint. I’m just a person.” I remember feeling like what my new community and family were expecting of me was to attain Mother Teresa levels of enlightenment just to be accepted. I hated it. No one seemed interested in my perspective, my feelings, my hopes and dreams, my hurts and disappointments. The demands looked like Mount Everest, the level of support was nil. I was mad. I was living in hell. I got tired of it. And I came to see that I was standing at a door. It was a door I’d seen before in my life. Every time I see it, it’s harder to go through. And every time I make my way through it, I’m back in heaven. It’s the grow or stay stuck in despair door. It’s the door where I have to let go of my ideas about the way things are supposed to be, and where I have to come to terms with, accept, and love what is. Every growth spurt I go on, I learn more about letting go. Feeling stuck is so painful, and the release of finally growing again is bliss. There is so much we can’t control. It’s so easy to hurt people without meaning to. There is so much we don’t know. Over and over I get stuck, and over and over I find myself at this door. And every time it’s harder to go through. But every time, my heart grows a little bit more. Every time, I am a little bit freer.
So, is being part of a stepfamily worth it? For me the answer is yes, yes, yes and yes. Not because it’s easy, but because it has been the crucible I’ve grown the most in so far. My heart feels about six times bigger. After going through that door in my stepfamily — the grow or stay stuck in despair door — I realized on the other side that it’s not like my family or community is purposefully withholding something from me that they could just give me if they weren’t so perverse. They’re confused and in pain, too. There are no grownups, really, at the end of the day. There’s just all of us — confused, hurt people who used to be kids and who somehow are now running families and the world. Everyone is in pain. And the older we get, the more painful life is going to get, whether we live in stepfamilies or not. Life is beautiful, but it’s always going to be interlaced with pain. Growing means saying yes to that, and working with that.
Some of us will deal with cancer. Some of us will have family members die young. Some of us will lose children. Some of us will deal with bankruptcy. Some of us will have our marriages come apart. Some of us will die young ourselves. Some of us will lose our health.
No matter what, we will encounter excruciating pain as we continue living. Do we give up and die? No way. We accept that these are the terms of life, and we do whatever we can, everywhere we can, to add to the beauty.
So, back to the original discussion — should frustrated stepmoms vent on the internet and say put downs about the biomoms in their lives, even if the biomoms are way, way out of line? I don’t know.
On the one hand, if I was a biomom who felt really, really frustrated and really, really misunderstood, and I found a site where I was being talked about as if I were crazy and negligent, it would hurt a lot. It would hurt deeply. I would probably feel like striking out even more. (And I do think it’s hard to stay anonymous over time — over the years people do sometimes find each other online. The internet is much more public, searchable, and permanent than it feels most of the time. It’s a little bit like a CB radio station that anyone can tune into, and where permanent public transcripts are always on file.)
On the other hand, they’re just words. Publishing a perspective doesn’t make it true — it’s just a perspective. It doesn’t redefine other people’s identities. The only identities we have any real power over are our own. People know they’re just reading one side of a story. Sometimes I think if we get all our ideas out in the open, we can start to see them more clearly, we start to see where we want to grow, and we start to see what we don’t want to accept anymore in our relationships. Sometimes getting the words out helps us through the slow process of moving in a better direction. Also, getting the words out in the open means people who have different interpretations have a chance to argue back. It’s pretty rough and tumble, and no one likes baring their soul to the world and then feeling attacked, but I think it’s kind of the nature of the internet. And it’s not the worst thing that could happen.
Does venting help? I don’t know. It has never helped me. But other people who I respect and care about say that it helps them. Does saying put downs or using unflattering names for a biomom help? I can’t imagine how it would help, or how it would be good for a kid for one parent to even think about another one of their parents using put downs, but we’re all doing the best we can. And sometimes the best we can do is to try to vent in a place that feels safe and secret and where we hope the people in our lives won’t find it. I don’t do it because I’ve discovered in my own situation that I can just talk to Kathy about what’s bugging me. I might be shaking. I might be crying with fear and anxiety. I might have heartburn. But when I tell her what’s going on with me, as cleanly as possible, with no accusations or blame or trying to hurt her — just the cleanest expression of my feelings possible — it always takes us better places. It scares me shitless. I’m a pretty timid person. But it’s only ever made things better between us. If I hadn’t discovered that I could do that with Kathy, I might be venting on the internet right now, too.
I think online kerfuffles like we just had are a sign of health. They’re a sign that ideas are moving back and forth across the internet. Sometimes hurt, anger and outrage are signs that perspectives are colliding and in the process, a few ideas are making their way back and forth. I think that as long as we’re not hurting each other physically and we keep talking — as long as we keep showing up to the table — we’re going to go in good directions over time.
It’s okay not to always feel warm and fuzzy. We can feel hurt, angry, outraged, and misunderstood. It doesn’t have to mean we hate each other. We can keep trying to understand and be understood. I think that would be the most beautiful thing that could happen.
Very well said, Jill.
I have not another word to add to this besides what you’ve already said. Thank you.
Jill, this is a beautiful, beautiful, BEAUTIFUL post. It’s a manifesto of sorts…and I mean that in the best sense. I wholeheartedly agree with just about everything you’ve said here…AND…not everyone is lucky enough to have the situation you have where there’s an attempt at civil and open communication. Is venting on one’s blog about ANYTHING ideal? I don’t think so either. But given that for many of us this is a place (sometimes the only place) where we feel non-judgmental support, it sometimes feels safe to vent in the blogosphere. And readers can support a blog writer without necessarily agreeing with the position being stated. We don’t need to have our feelings validated by anyone else. It’s sometimes just a desire to be heard. (It’s sometimes just a need to write it out to get it out of one’s head.) I didn’t read the original post you referred to (the link didn’t work so I assume it’s been taken down), so I can’t speak to this particular situation. I’ll just say this…when one’s in a situation that from one’s perspective (and as you said, we all have our perspectives whether or not they feel true to anyone else) that feels ugly or hurtful or hateful or unfair, it’s hard not to sometimes let those feelings show. re saying negative things about one of the parties involved…I have never said anything negative about the biomom in my situation to the child…yet the reverse has happened many times. I have an automatic tendency to side with stepmoms and assume the worst about biomoms. So I speak first and foremost to myself when I say that I would hope that we try not to generalize and make assumptions based on our own experience.
We’ve seen each other through several blogs over the years, so I just want to close with this (because I think you’ve found a real calling here)…if anyone can bring a non-judgmental light to shine on this situation so many of us find ourselves in, I have faith that it’s YOU.
Another much appreciated and understood post, J. Thank you.
Personally, I keep coming back here because you and Kathy represent the very best of what can happen when everyone works together for the sake of the kids. The sad reality is that too many of us are in situations where one member of the triad is simply too broken to participate in a healthy way.
Plato admonished us to “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” When emotions are running high, that kindness can be in short supply. Regardless, I don’t want to live in a world where people are taken to task on their own blogs for venting their feelings — sometimes you have to vent a little before you put your big girl pants back on and go deal. Ideally we can all talk to each other and work stuff out, but for those of us for whom that’s not an option, I say vent away. Better to do so pseudo-anonymously online than in front of the kids.
When someone is SO CLEARLY fighting one of those battles, I think it’s prudent to offer that kindness rather than bringing our own emotions to the table and assuming we’ve somehow been indicted. Even the people who are broken are doing the best they can.
I just want to say, for the record, that while Lori’s feelings are her own, personal feelings and she is welcome to vent on her blog, it was the hypocrisy of the post that really got me. It took the weekend for it to settle from a general feeling of anger over her attack into a true understanding of what it was that really angered me.
Here it is… in a nutshell. Lori was upset that there are those of us out there bashing biomoms, that those feelings might be somehow hurtful to said biomoms, and might also be hurtful to the kids. It’s ok for Lori to be upset by what we say. But most of our blogs, in which we appear to be less than kind about the biomoms we deal with (typically for very, very valid reasons, I might add), are anonymous, don’t include names, aren’t searchable, or whatever. We’ve all worked very hard to make sure that, even if someone who might know the biomoms about which we write stumbled across them, it would not be evident that it was THAT person we were aiming venom towards.
Lori, on the other hand, made it abundantly evident. She didn’t name names, but she pointed fingers in very specific directions. She pointed so clearly that those of us who read Stepmom-related blogs regularly knew exactly which folks she meant.
That was the root of my anger. Lori lives in a great situation. Awesome. Lori has a biomom that is not only sane, but willing to work with her. Even better. We wish for that, desperately. But we don’t have it. And it rankled, a LOT, to have someone take us all to task for being nasty (which most of us aren’t, just truthful really)… by being nasty… without knowing a single one of us or our situations… without really even reading the history we’ve already posted, or making an effort to understand any of us.
It rankled more that she attacked CleverGirl, going through one of the hardest times in her life, and then even more that she posted “I am shocked that I am the one being called a hypocrite.”
Forgiveness is good. We all make mistakes. But I expected Lori to own up to her poor choice of blog posts a little more than she did. I write about a biomom that is certifiable, that treats her children abominably, that makes our lives extraordinarily difficult. I know her. I deal with her and her instability daily. And I write about her anonymously.
Lori wrote about people she doesn’t know at all, bashing them directly, certainly not anonymously.
Shocked at being called a hypocrite? Frankly, I’m shocked at that response.
Stephanie, I feel like I must point out that:
#1 Lori IS the biomom, perhaps that is part of why some of the negativity really resonates with her, because it could very well be HER you’re talking about when you speak of biomoms.
#2 Lori did NOT directly bash anyone. I’m guessing that she had absolutely NO idea that so many people would see her post, considering a majority of the outraged don’t typically read her blog. And with that said, I think that’s a good point to those who do post anonymously. You really never know who’s reading. Whether it’s searchable by google, uses real names or not, it’s becoming less and less possible to be anonymous on the internet and you really never know who will decide to link to your post.
#3 I still think it’s really important to consider the feelings of ones stepchildren. When you speak badly of ones parent, you are speaking badly of them. Unless your stepchildren have NO access to your computer or internet there is NO way that you can guarantee that they will not see the negative things posted about the biomoms in your lives (Whether they are referred to as crazy ex wives, egg donors…etc)
#4 Finally those who call her a hypocrite, sometimes it’s best to take our own log out of our eyes before we point at the speck in anothers eyes. Meaning, look at how many posts, comments, and days this criticism and discussion of how “horrible” Lori is has gone on compared to her post on her feelings that was up for less than 24 hours.
There is no winner or loser in all of this, like Jill’s post suggests, all of this is proof that we are a healthy community that feels strongly about some things. I don’t think it’s ok (even if venting) to bash a childs parent on the internet. Some stepmom bloggers do. We will probably never agree on this and that’s ok, it’s starting to see where the others are coming from that see it differently.
Simplicity –
Lori DID directly bash several bloggers. And in the process of that bashing, she hurt several people very deeply.
I think we’ll just have to agree to disagree on the rest. I don’t have sweetness and light like you do, and you have never dealt with the level of insanity I do. We’re just not going to be on the same page.
For the record, I’m a biomom as well as a stepmom, so this isn’t a perspective thing.
I’m a biomom and stepmom, though my husband’s daughters are adults and I haven’t been an “active, in-home” stepmom for a couple of years. Based on my therapist’s advice, one of my big rules was never to say anything negative about my ex to my kids, about my ex’s new wife to my kids, or about the biomom of my stepdaughters. I tried to not be negative with my husband, though I know I didn’t succeed completely. If my husband needed to vent about his ex, I would listen in that “Rogerian” way—”Oh, it sounds like you’re feeling really frustrated that X is taking half your income in alimony and child support, and you’re covering other expenses too” — that sort of thing. I’m sure I chimed in to some extent, but I tried not to add boric acid to the open wound.
If it is possible to blog anonymously about biomom or stepmom or whoever is bugging you, then go for it. How do you know the kids won’t find it some day, some way? That’s what worries me.
Well written, Jill.
kelly,
1) good rules to live by.
2) couldn’t the kids just as well read your diary you hide in your cupboard? People have feelings. Even negative ones. Especially in the complicated world of divorce. IF the kids found it, do you think they would be that shocked anyhow?
Hi Laurie from divorcingdaze, I wonder about #2, too. Would kids be really shocked/surprised/hurt if they found secret journals online or on paper? I suspect that people — especially kids — know what we really think even if we never tell them. I could be wrong. But it’s what I’ve always kinda thought. It’s a messy world. Nobody should ever have to feel guilty about their feelings. They are what they are. But I’m not sure how well hiding them from the kids works at the end of the day. I’m also not advocating just telling them to the kids. I’m not really sure what I’m saying except that I’m not sure the kids don’t already know, on some level, what we really think.
I agree, Jill. Kids are very perceptive. My kids are always aware of my moods.
It’s how we deal with our feelings that can cause so many problems. True, feelings are feelings and we should not feel guilty for them. When we react poorly to our feelings is when the trouble starts. Learning to work through those feelings and deal with them in a healthy way is what made all the difference for me.
So I suppose, writing about one’s feelings is a pretty healthy way of dealing with things in the scheme of “dealing.”
Ooooooh, interesting. I am starting to think a little differently about this.
The way I vent and make sure that the biomom or my stepdaughter will never see it is that I do my venting on a private message board for stepmoms. Membership must be granted by the owner of the website and the owner goes to great lengths to verify identity before access is granted. We have a very small, tightly-knit community there where I feel safely venting about stepmom frustrations whether it’s regarding the kids or the biomom.
On the other hand, the biomom has posted some very accusatory and defamatory things about my husband on a VERY public website, along with his picture and our city of residence. It makes me wonder why I’m going through so much effort to protect her and my stepdaughter from my feelings. Despite what she’s done, I’m not stooping to her level…and my ability to resist slinging mud back comes only out of love for my stepdaughter.
I spent some time in stepmom forums in my early, frustrated days, and I agree — for just plain venting, I think they’re safer. And it wasn’t just venting, either. I had some sense knocked into me by some more experienced women on the forums who helped me realize what I could be doing better. I never called anyone names, but I was really lost and frustrated and didn’t know what to do, and it helped to know there was a place I could go. It was useful. For me, it wasn’t the venting part that was useful — it was the sense being talked into me — but maybe for me that was part of the venting process after all? And all of our situations are different.
It must be hard not to answer the mom in your situation back in public online.
I love those “door” opportunities to either “grow or stay stuck.”
I love them because when I am feeling absolutely hopeless in my stuck state, all of the sudden I realize that I have all of the power I need to change my situation…all I have to do is change my perspective, or grow.