Different perspectives
Jan 11th, 2008 by Jill
Kathy and I see G differently. G and I see Kathy differently. It used to bug me when one of them would describe the other in way that was different from the person I saw. Trying to get Kathy to see G through my eyes or G to see Kathy through my eyes didn’t change anyone’s mind, though, so I finally gave up and accepted that people’s perspectives are just perspectives. Nobody — not me and not anyone else — controls reality, but it’s okay if people talk about what they see.
Being in the same space, seeing things differently, and not worrying too much about it all feels like being in the middle of a David Hockney photo collage. We see parts of the truth. I used to be afraid that listening to an unflattering perspective about someone I loved would somehow mean I couldn’t love them as much. I don’t think that’s true any more. People are complicated and they fall down and they are wonderful. We don’t always see all the pieces, and that affects how we interpret what we’ve seen. Listening to people explain how they connect the dots they’ve seen is a step toward weaving ourselves together. It’s a step toward assembling all the little pictures into a bigger picture. It’s a step toward knowing reality, and each other, more. It’s a step further into unconditional love.
I think the Hockney photo collage is a great analogy, Jill. X and I have completely different versions of our marriage and our divorce. One person’s reality is only that….
I love to be able to say that I continue to learn from you, Jill
When I decided to look at positive things about XH and his wife after my divorce (when I was exhausted from the anger and hurt), I was able to change my perception of them. I went from seeing them as the enemy to seeing them as people who make mistakes and who are trying to do their best each day - just like me. That was the beginning of healing for me. The collage analogy makes a lot of sense.
This makes total sense but I’d never thought of it (or realized it) quite like that.
I have at times wanted J to see his ex the way I do, fun to talk to, friendly, funny…and I at times have wanted his ex to see J the way I see him, loving, kind, good dad…but the truth of the matter is if they really saw each other the way I see them both they’d probably never have gotten divorced. They have a history that has created the view that they each see each other through, and even though we all grow and change and make the most of our relationship, they will both see each other differently than I see them and they both probably have different perceptions of me. To J, I’m his wife. To his ex, I’m her friend.
Am I babbling or does that make sense?
That completely makes sense.