The DHX: The Doughtie Houses Exchange

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life

Jan 2nd, 2008 by Jill

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg

“Over and over again, it has been my experience that, from the moment people begin talking about what they need rather than what’s wrong with one another, the possibility of finding ways to meet everybody’s needs is greatly increased.” — Marshall Rosenburg, Nonviolent Communication

Nonviolent Communication is third on my list of books that helped. This book is all about identifying and clearly communicating feelings and needs — listening for the feelings and needs of others and communicating your own feelings and needs back to them. I loved this book because it’s all about letting go of diagnosis. No one has to diagnose anyone — I don’t have to diagnose myself, no one else needs to diagnose me — we can let go of language that finds something wrong with one or all of us. I love the idea that it’s counterproductive. I love being able to focus on figuring out what exactly we each need and how to get it.

One of the key ideas in this book is that no one’s needs can be sacrificed. Not my own, and not anyone else’s. The only way to true peace is to identify all of our needs and work together to meet them. If I sacrifice or squelch my own needs, I will only be hurting the other people I am building a relationship with.

In other words, in our extended stepfamily system, the stepmom’s needs can’t be sacrificed, the mom’s need’s can’t be sacrificed, the dad’s needs can’t be sacrificed, and the kids’ needs can’t be sacrificed. The only way we can be happy together is listen for each other’s feelings and needs, communicate what we know about ourselves as clearly as possible, and work to create a system that works for all of us.

This book walks you through how to listen for heart messages, how to check to see if you’re understanding, how to show empathy to others and to yourself, how to communicate pure feelings and needs without judgment, guilt, or pressure, and how to ask for things that you think might help you satisfy your needs. It cautions against acting out of guilt or ideas about what you “should” do.