For the kids or for each other?
Dec 29th, 2007 by Jill
We get a lot of comments about how nice it is that we work together for the sake of the kids, and it’s true — it is nice for the kids that we work together, but it’s not just for the kids — at least from my perspective. It’s for me, it’s for G, and it’s for Kathy.
Here’s what I think kids need: love, support, and attention from their parents, and to know — to see and really know — that their parental units, bio and step, happily love each other. I think you can do just about anything and arrange things just about any way — heavy on the togetherness or on the apartness — if kids get those things.
By love, I don’t mean romantic love and I don’t mean warm, fuzzy feelings, although those are great when they’re right for the situation. When I say love, I mean looking out for each other. I mean concern for each other. I mean wishing each other well and balancing our needs. And that it’s a kind of love that feels good — that no one is lost in.
The kids probably benefit from us intertwining our lives as much as we do, but I don’t do it primarily for the kids. I do it for myself, I do it for G, and I do it for Kathy. I do it because I like to be around the kids. Having them in my life feels good. I want to see them and talk to them and spend time with them. I do it for G because I want to build a happy, warm, life-long marriage with him. Because I love him. Because he needs close contact with his kids. Because it is the only way to be this deep into his life and to really be in harmony with him. I do it for Kathy because I feel a connection with her. Because she is the mother of the children I love most of all in the world. Because I care about her as a person and as one of my closest friends.
When I do things that feel awkward to me — like joint Christmases — I’m not doing them for the kids. (It seems like that would be a big burden to lay on a kid, anyway.) I’m doing them for myself, for G and for Kathy. I’m doing it because I think G and Kathy need to be with their kids on Christmas, and because I need to do right by G and Kathy. And because I want to be with G, and because I want my friend Kathy to be with her kids, and because I want my husband to be with his kids. And because I know that eventually, as we keep doing it, things will shift. It won’t be this funny hodgepodge of people all feeling like outsiders at the same time. We will find our collective voice.
It’s blogs like this that inspire me. You and Kathy have really lit a fire under my butt. I did what I never thought I was capable of doing…I sent an email to my SDs mother (we’ve been at odds with each other from day one) to apologize for my part in our feud. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but something I knew I had to do. Fortunately, she responded favorably and was relieved to receive my words. So, hopefully, this is the first step in a long journey for us. I just wanted to say thanks. You and Kathy showed me that what I thought was impossible is in fact very possible with some effort and swallowed pride.
perhaps you really are starting a revolution
justadoggiemom, that is wonderful! Big, big, big hug across the internet. That is so brave and exciting.
This post gives me hope for the future. In fact, your whole blog gives hope! I think in my case it is more that I am dealing with a girlfriend want to be stepmom who clearly does not understand her boundaries and what her role, at this point, should be in the children’s lives. One of my resolutions for the New Year is to be more open to a healthy relationship with her for the sake of my children. She and I got off to a really bad start and you know what they say about first impressions. The kids adore her and love spending time with her so there must be some good there somewhere!
Hi Jill and Kathy,
I heard the interview on Divorcing Daze a while ago and just now got around to visiting here. Love the blog.
I’m a moderator for a forum/website for blended families – Life in a Blender, http://www.lifeinablender.com. We’re a community of bio-parents and step-parents working toward peace between the households since late 2002. Feel free to stop in and have a look around (and visit/offer advice/whatever) if you have time.
Your story is inspiring. I look forward to reading your future updates!
Sending warm wishes for all the best in 2008,
Natalie
Hi Mommy of 4, thanks for the encouragement! Good for you and good luck. I hope you’ll keep us posted on how things are going.
[...] 7) What are the benefits to the kids for all loving each other, like you mention in one of your recent posts? [...]