Po Bronson: “If you are falling in love with someone who has children from a previous marriage, your partner’s ex-spouse is usually a bigger factor in the long-term success than the attitude of the children.”
Nov 27th, 2007 by Jill
“From my own observations, the biggest variable to the success of blending a family is the behavior and agreeability of former-spouses. If you are divorced or divorcing (with children), there is probably nothing more important for you to do than to get on good terms with your ex. If you are falling in love with someone who has children from a previous marriage, your partner’s ex-spouse is usually a bigger factor in the long-term success than the attitude of the children. The children can be scared and nervous, but if the ex’s are supportive then the kids usually adjust. But when the ex-spouse is contentious, it pulls the kids in two.“If you’re looking for a leading indicator, or some prognosticator of whether this will work, the co-parenting relationship between the former spouses is probably the best proxy-measure of readiness.”
–Po Bronson, Stepfamilies: Some Common Misconceptions
Boy does this hit home… When I started dating my fiance, my ex husband got extremely jealous and controlling (our divorce wasn’t to be finalized for a couple of months yet), he started freaking out all the time saying that my fiance (boyfriend at the time) was a child molester and abusive and all kinds of other stuff (funny thing is, he started saying these things before I had even MET him face to face… we met online and my ex became jealous as soon as he got wind I was interested in someone)… It has been difficult but the kids live with myself and my fiance (we moved in together in August), and we have been able to keep things fairly smooth, and my ex has slowly backed off over time. My fiance has done what he can to make it clear to my ex that he has no intention of “stealing” his kids, and tries to encourage the kids to have a good relationship with their father… its great!