Comments on: Cold Hard Facts

By: lucky13

lucky13 — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 19:11:27 +0000

This is an amazing post and you are brilliant in your honesty.
Thank you for your insight.
I’ll keep my fingers crossed on the marriage part. It scares the hell out of me.

By: lisa

lisa — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 06:15:10 +0000

Hi, kathy.. I’m a founder of Life in a blender. Found your site through there (another founder visits here )

I love this blog so far and feel very lucky to have found it. As a SM I appreciate it much, as a not divorced BM, I do also. Blending is tough, but it can be done! Thanks for sharing your proof

Lisa

By: Natalie

Natalie — Wed, 02 Jan 2008 01:02:06 +0000

Excellent post, Kathy. Thank you.

By: Kathy

Kathy — Tue, 25 Dec 2007 08:33:26 +0000

In no way was I suggesting that it’s only the bio-mom who cares about the kids; I’ve seen it frequently be the step moms who are the unsung, hard working, keeping it all together heroes of the day. Unfortunately we don’t all always operate at our highest level and anger takes a long time to leach out of our systems. We all operate at lower levels from time to time, just as sometimes we are able to rise to the occasion and take the high road. No one side is every purely right or wrong in these complex matters.
The kids come first. Period. And the bottom line is that the more advocates the children have, the better off they’ll be and the better off the planet will be.

By: The Smirking Cat

The Smirking Cat — Tue, 25 Dec 2007 01:38:39 +0000

This is a great post, but I do want to add: the stepmother, more often than not, is also “about keeping the children intact”. Just because I didn’t go through labor with them doesn’t mean I don’t love them and put them first. The worst part of watching the divorce/custody mess has been the way the kids have been stomped on by someone who should be protective of them, not willing to hurt them to make some meaningless jab at me or their father. Whether the kids share my DNA or not, they are priority #1.

By: WendyB

WendyB — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 13:45:02 +0000

I’m the third wife…what are the terrifying stats on that? LOL. Don’t give them to me, really. There’s lies, damn lies and statistics, so I don’t care. BTW: four stepchildren, one grandchild for me.

By: Richard Rotman

Richard Rotman — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 14:17:44 +0000

If I had to tote up all the reasons my second marriage ended in divorce, the blended family would rate higher than breast cancer, and that’s saying a lot. Whether it was my parenting style vs. hers, or whether my kids got something her kids didn’t, it was a constant issue. Then her daughter dropped a bomb on the family which reverberated through generations and families and did more to tear us apart than anything. Blended families are a minefield. When the children were younger and the four of them were a plausible nuclear family then it worked seemingly fine But the bigger the kid, the bigger the problem and that’s when it began to fall apart. A most excellent and frightening post. Well done.

By: Bill

Bill — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 02:20:00 +0000

Your statistics are a scary part of life. I am a biological dad and also a step dad. I have the feelings from both sides.
You are so absolutely right when you say it is the kids that will suffer. We as the adults should be able to recognize that. The break up of any marriage is so often accompanied with many hard feeling, anger and a whole range of negative emotions. It is not an easy time for anyone involved, irregardless of the circumstances. But, the end of a marriage doesn’t mean the end of parenting. The best interests of our children is most important to us all, yet that fact so often seems lost in the heat of the moment. So sad, it is the children that suffer.
You ladies are doing a wonderful job, please keep it up
Bill

By: Kathy

Kathy — Sun, 25 Nov 2007 18:33:16 +0000

To Simplicity - Thank you for your kind words! I remember the day that I was able to shift into Jill’s point of view and see the complexities involved in having a boyfriend with so many other loyalties and priorities pulling him in different directions. Yikes! It was so much easier in the old days when it was just the guy, me, and all our emotional baggage from our families of origin! Who would’ve thought those would be the good old days??!

By: Kathy

Kathy — Sun, 25 Nov 2007 18:27:21 +0000

To Chelly — That part is very very difficult, where you see a mother harming her own children because the anger and pain still have the upper hand. The essential problem is that she is coming from a place of broken dreams and you are coming from a place of new dreams. It is as hard for the depressed and angry to remember what it is to be happy, as it is for the happy to remember what the valleys are like (at least that’s how it is with me.)

The only thing I can say is that time helps, and much work on your own well-being helps. The more centered you can stay, the better able you’ll be to stay focussed on your new families’ needs and keep the kids feeling safe and secure. I have an ongoing meditation and yoga practice that is essential in helping me stay on the right track. Compassion for the other person’s position is always a challenge, but it helps, too. You can’t change the other person, but you can do the best you can for yourself. And I’ve found that shifts inside me sometimes effect changes in others in ways that are mysterious but true.

These situations force us to grow in ways that are difficult and challenging, no doubt about it. Hang in there!