Cold Hard Facts
Nov 24th, 2007 by Kathy
Chilling.
I just looked up some statistics on second marriages and, boy, they are not good. When Jill and I first started talking about this blog, we tried to figure out roughly how many marriages were second marriages and how many ended in divorce. We both guessimated — based on what? a hope that humans can actually learn from their mistakes? — that second marriages were statistically less likely to end in divorce.
Wrong.
Dead wrong.
Divorce rates for second marriages? About 60 - 80% .
At the high end, that’s almost double the divorce rate for first marriages (47%).
So why do second marriages end? Mainly because of two things: Complexity and money. Money is relatively easy to deal with (here’s an excellent guideline) — as long as you are willing to be brutally honest with yourself and your partner. OK, I’m being a little casual about the money stuff… money is usually extremely tied to emotional issues and I’m planning on getting into it in depth in a later post. But long ago I learned that there were two kinds of problems in the world: Emotional issues and technical issues. (Losing weight is a prime example of a technical problem that very often becomes an emtional issue .) And money — as painful and crazy as it is — is really a technical issue on much the same scale as losing weight.
The complexity of living in a blended family, however, is an emotional issue. There’s no way around it. You can’t sit down with a ledger or Quicken and figure out how to deal with the biological mom, or how to make the sibs and step-sibs get along or how to reconcile the painful comments in the car that the other house is the “fun house.” That’s emotional. That’s core stuff.
And with a 60 - 80% divorce rate among second marriages, it’s not an issue you can easily dismiss.
Which means, to me, that this whole conversation about how moms and step-moms might be able to work together better is not just so that we can reduce a little stress in our lives. It really is so that the second marriage has a much better chance at surviving.
I’m going to put on my “bio mom” hat solely now. And this may seem stern and harsh, but really it’s in response to that statistic, and as an admonition to some future Kathy should I ever become a step-mom myself.
Here it is and it’s a cold hard fact:
I’m the biological mother. I am not going away, ever.
You’re the step-mother. And the statistics aren’t in your favor.
And the reason the statistics aren’t in your favor is because, in part, of me.
It’s very icky. It’s ugly to say and, projecting myself into the other household, abhorrant to hear. But, actually, it’s true. And it becomes extremely dangerous when there is still a boatload of baggage left over from the first marriage, and the whole situation is riddled with bitterness, vengefulness and anger. We, the biological parent, do have the upper hand — legally, emotionally, biologically. And if we want to weild it for evil and try to pry apart that fragile second union, we can. And we do. And that’s just so ugly for everyone, it makes me sick.
So am I saying that the step-moms of the world have to genuflect to us because we have the biological trump card? Do we now get to have final say in every decision?
Absolutely not. Because there’s another correllary to the above cold hard fact, that I wish more bio-moms would actually pay attention to, and this one goes thusly:
This step-mom also takes care of my children.
The peace that I can promote between the households directly and unequivocally affects the emotional well-being of my children.
To quote my favorite philosophical work, Spiderman: with great power comes great responsibility. Sure, you’re the legitimate owner of half of the DNA. But that comes with some responsibilities, too — because your first priority is really no longer yourself and your precious anger. Remember those first six weeks of the babies’ lives, when your entire existence was turned upside down just to ensure the survival of that little infant? That hasn’t changed. We still have to turn ourselves inside out to make sure those kids make it through the night. And the step mom is there running the other household, and she must be respected and honored for that. If you want to play that bio-card and play power games, you can. But the losers will be the children.
Let me repeat that on its own line:
The losers will be the children.
It’s more than just about making life a little nicer that we need to get this figured out. For the step-moms in the world, it’s about keeping that marriage intact. For us moms in the world, it’s about keeping our children intact.
Let’s make this a revolution. The cold hard facts are saying that blended families are becoming more and more prevalent. Let’s learn from our past mistakes, get over our anger, embrace the future possibilities, and get it together. For ourselves, for the sisterhood, and for our children.
This is a really really good post. I like that it’s so in your face honest.
I’ve tried to keep in mind that no matter what, at the end of the day, my stepkids have a mom, and no matter how many things I do for them or how much I love them, they have a mom and there is no contest between her and I. She wins. She’s mom. I’m stepmom. And I’m content with that, but you know what, there are emotions and feelings that get trampled. And sometimes it’s hard but you have to remember, I’m stepmom, she’s mom, and what really matters is the kids feelings and that they turn out happy, healthy and loving beings.
We’re crazy about this blog! It’s wonderful to read how our grandchildren are enfolded in such warm environments and treated with such thoughtfulness and care. We love you all!
M & G
This is a very interesting post. One that has many cold hard facts. I wish, in a way, my kids’ mother could read and actually take to heart what was written here… But sadly, she doesn’t even see that what she does, hurts the kids, she thinks she is the better for putting them through the pain she puts them through, and anyone that tells her different are liers and such… I hope, for the kids, she doesn’t realize it all too late… She is loosing the trust of one, and I hate that…
To Chelly — That part is very very difficult, where you see a mother harming her own children because the anger and pain still have the upper hand. The essential problem is that she is coming from a place of broken dreams and you are coming from a place of new dreams. It is as hard for the depressed and angry to remember what it is to be happy, as it is for the happy to remember what the valleys are like (at least that’s how it is with me.)
The only thing I can say is that time helps, and much work on your own well-being helps. The more centered you can stay, the better able you’ll be to stay focussed on your new families’ needs and keep the kids feeling safe and secure. I have an ongoing meditation and yoga practice that is essential in helping me stay on the right track. Compassion for the other person’s position is always a challenge, but it helps, too. You can’t change the other person, but you can do the best you can for yourself. And I’ve found that shifts inside me sometimes effect changes in others in ways that are mysterious but true.
These situations force us to grow in ways that are difficult and challenging, no doubt about it. Hang in there!
To Simplicity - Thank you for your kind words! I remember the day that I was able to shift into Jill’s point of view and see the complexities involved in having a boyfriend with so many other loyalties and priorities pulling him in different directions. Yikes! It was so much easier in the old days when it was just the guy, me, and all our emotional baggage from our families of origin! Who would’ve thought those would be the good old days??!
Your statistics are a scary part of life. I am a biological dad and also a step dad. I have the feelings from both sides.
You are so absolutely right when you say it is the kids that will suffer. We as the adults should be able to recognize that. The break up of any marriage is so often accompanied with many hard feeling, anger and a whole range of negative emotions. It is not an easy time for anyone involved, irregardless of the circumstances. But, the end of a marriage doesn’t mean the end of parenting. The best interests of our children is most important to us all, yet that fact so often seems lost in the heat of the moment. So sad, it is the children that suffer.
You ladies are doing a wonderful job, please keep it up
Bill
If I had to tote up all the reasons my second marriage ended in divorce, the blended family would rate higher than breast cancer, and that’s saying a lot. Whether it was my parenting style vs. hers, or whether my kids got something her kids didn’t, it was a constant issue. Then her daughter dropped a bomb on the family which reverberated through generations and families and did more to tear us apart than anything. Blended families are a minefield. When the children were younger and the four of them were a plausible nuclear family then it worked seemingly fine But the bigger the kid, the bigger the problem and that’s when it began to fall apart. A most excellent and frightening post. Well done.
I’m the third wife…what are the terrifying stats on that? LOL. Don’t give them to me, really. There’s lies, damn lies and statistics, so I don’t care. BTW: four stepchildren, one grandchild for me.
This is a great post, but I do want to add: the stepmother, more often than not, is also “about keeping the children intact”. Just because I didn’t go through labor with them doesn’t mean I don’t love them and put them first. The worst part of watching the divorce/custody mess has been the way the kids have been stomped on by someone who should be protective of them, not willing to hurt them to make some meaningless jab at me or their father. Whether the kids share my DNA or not, they are priority #1.
In no way was I suggesting that it’s only the bio-mom who cares about the kids; I’ve seen it frequently be the step moms who are the unsung, hard working, keeping it all together heroes of the day. Unfortunately we don’t all always operate at our highest level and anger takes a long time to leach out of our systems. We all operate at lower levels from time to time, just as sometimes we are able to rise to the occasion and take the high road. No one side is every purely right or wrong in these complex matters.
The kids come first. Period. And the bottom line is that the more advocates the children have, the better off they’ll be and the better off the planet will be.
Excellent post, Kathy. Thank you.
Hi, kathy.. I’m a founder of Life in a blender. Found your site through there (another founder visits here
)
I love this blog so far and feel very lucky to have found it. As a SM I appreciate it much, as a not divorced BM, I do also. Blending is tough, but it can be done! Thanks for sharing your proof
Lisa
This is an amazing post and you are brilliant in your honesty.
Thank you for your insight.
I’ll keep my fingers crossed on the marriage part. It scares the hell out of me.