Discipline, part 2
Nov 20th, 2007 by Jill
Parent Effectiveness Training
(This post builds on Kathy’s original Discipline post from last weekend.)
I read stacks of books about stepfamily dynamics when my relationship with G looked like it was going to be serious, and pretty much every book I read said to take things slowly and to follow the biological parents’ lead on parenting.
The word stepmom is a funny word. It has the word “mom” in it, and in my case at least, I don’t really feel like the word “mom” belongs there. I think of myself more as an adjunct parent. I’m an extra helping hand, and extra person to love the kids and to look out for them, but I don’t see myself as a mom figure. As my grandma pointed out delightedly a few years ago, being a stepparent is a little like being a grandparent. You can be deeply involved in the kids’ lives, and love them and enjoy them, and even take on a lot of responsibility if you want to, but at the root of it, if things get rough, you can call their mom and dad to step in and handle things, and at the end of the day, their mom and dad are the ones who set the tone for how they are raised and who have the final say.
So when I moved in with G and saw that the kids were never punished and that they were allowed to swear, but that they were also friendly, considerate, sensitive, empathetic and kind, I was pretty mystified. (Shouldn’t kids who swear and aren’t punished be scary and dangerous and wild?) I didn’t really know how G and Kathy were doing what they were doing parenting-wise. It was unlike anything I’d ever seen or imagined. So when I found out there was a book about how to do it, I bought it and read it. It wasn’t so much that I agreed with it as soon as I read it — I didn’t object to it, but I’d never heard of not punishing kids — not giving time outs or loss of privileges to help steer them in the right direction. Parenting without those techniques seemed alien. I knew that I needed to follow G and Kathy’s lead, though, since they were the parents. And also, the kids were great. Better than great — they were amazing. So clearly, what G and Kathy were doing was working.
It wasn’t easy to pick up right away. The more I live with and practice this style of parenting — based on mutual respect and on understanding that everyone’s needs need to be met (including parents) — the more I realize that this definitely is the way I would raise a child that I had the final say about. And I feel rich and lucky to be part of a family system where I could see this in practice on a daily basis for years and learn through immersion.
