Communication, part 2
Nov 9th, 2007 by Jill
Kathy’s post about communication started me thinking about what my own tips on communication would be. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far:
- If you want to use labels to describe people, use positive ones that emphasize the current relationship. I like the phrase “the kids’ mom” better than “my husband’s ex-wife”, for example. “The kids’ mom” sounds respectful and friendly and warm. “Ex-wife” emphasizes the word “wife” too much for me — it sounds like we’re competing in a wife-type relationship with the kids’ dad. But Kathy has a good point: using people’s names is even better than using titles.
- Work as hard as you can to imagine what it must be like to be in the other woman’s shoes. If you’re a stepmom, make friends with divorced moms and ask them about their experiences and points of view. Ask them for advice. If you’re a divorced mom, seek out stepmoms for their perspectives.
- If you’re upset about something in your relationship with the mom or stepmom, talk directly to her about it — not your partner or other friends. Call the person the phone or see if you can meet over coffee. Email isn’t as effective as talking in person because it strips out tones of voice and facial expressions and can easily sound harsher than intended. If you can’t meet in person, the phone is much better than email. That said, you’re the best judge of what you’re ready for and what would make things better in your relationship. Still, talking to other friends or your partner instead of reaching out to the mom or stepmom usually just makes problems more entrenched (unless you’re asking someone who knows what it feels like to be in the other woman’s shoes for advice).
- When talking to the other woman, talk about what you want and need, and how you feel. If you’re scared or your feelings are hurt, tell her that. If you want or need something you’re having trouble getting in the situation, try to figure out what it is exactly that you want or need. The Center for Nonviolent Communication has a pretty thorough list of needs, if like me you sometimes feel stuck for vocabulary. I printed this out and posted it on my refrigerator. They’ve also posted a list of words to communicate feelings. Focusing on your feelings and needs is much more effective than talking about what you don’t want.
- Make a list of at least ten things you like, appreciate and even love about the other person. Even if you think you don’t know her well enough to make a list like this, try it. It will help you remember that you’re talking to another human being who has feelings and needs and pain sometimes — just like you — and who — just like you (just like all of us) — is beautiful.
This is a great list, Jill. The other one that we’ve added is the 2 - 3 day rule. If something bugs you, you’ve got 2 or three days to clear it up with the other person. If you can’t get it together by then to come clean, then suck it up and let it go. This is one of my favorites, as I come from a family of origin where resentments often take years to resurface and there’s no knowing when I’m about to step on the next landmine, for something that occurred ages ago.