Comments on: Boundaries http://www.thedhx.com/2007/11/09/boundaries/ A mom and a stepmom share stories, ideas, friendship and family Sun, 12 Oct 2008 14:52:09 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.6.2 By: Heidi http://www.thedhx.com/2007/11/09/boundaries/#comment-542 Heidi Fri, 11 Jan 2008 00:04:58 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/2007/11/09/boundaries/#comment-542 It's refreshing to hear the same boundary being a struggle for others. I moved into my new husbands home when we got married. He designed the home and he and his ex had it built on property. It's a beautiful home and I had wonderful ideas when I moved into it. Believe it or not, I have battled my husband rather than his ex regarding changes to the house and/or ever moving. When we got married, his kids were 5 & 6 yrs old and mine were 10 & 12 yrs old. Changes were discouraged at that time because it would be upsetting to his kids because their mother had decorated everything. It took me over 3 years to convince him that is was time to change the wallpaper in the kitchen. He doesn't want to move because this is the only home that his kids have ever known (even though they have moved 3 times with their mom) Now in theory I sympathize with all of this BUT my kids moved out of their home to move into this home (that was designed for 2 kids not 4). We're 8 years into this marriage and we've made several changes to the house but some just aren't going to happen because "that's not how the house was designed to be". All I've ever wanted is a home that is "ours"....this one is "his". Thanks for sharing your heart and letting me share perhaps a different perspective on this boundary issue. It’s refreshing to hear the same boundary being a struggle for others. I moved into my new husbands home when we got married. He designed the home and he and his ex had it built on property. It’s a beautiful home and I had wonderful ideas when I moved into it. Believe it or not, I have battled my husband rather than his ex regarding changes to the house and/or ever moving. When we got married, his kids were 5 & 6 yrs old and mine were 10 & 12 yrs old. Changes were discouraged at that time because it would be upsetting to his kids because their mother had decorated everything. It took me over 3 years to convince him that is was time to change the wallpaper in the kitchen. He doesn’t want to move because this is the only home that his kids have ever known (even though they have moved 3 times with their mom) Now in theory I sympathize with all of this BUT my kids moved out of their home to move into this home (that was designed for 2 kids not 4). We’re 8 years into this marriage and we’ve made several changes to the house but some just aren’t going to happen because “that’s not how the house was designed to be”. All I’ve ever wanted is a home that is “ours”….this one is “his”. Thanks for sharing your heart and letting me share perhaps a different perspective on this boundary issue.

]]> By: padutchchick http://www.thedhx.com/2007/11/09/boundaries/#comment-518 padutchchick Thu, 03 Jan 2008 17:41:21 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/2007/11/09/boundaries/#comment-518 I admire that you are getting past your feelings about this...but I think, frankly, your feelings are quite justifiable. You made a huge sacrifice that I don't think I could have made; not saying you are a martyr or a victim, but heavens! We tend to have such relationships with spaces. I was not permitted, for example, to even step through the threshold of my ex's new space with his new woman, and though I had no relationship to the space as you did, it was like I might contaminate it with my mere presence. That sort of sucked. Now we are both in new spaces. I sense ex's discomfort when he is in my space, and I have yet to ever set foot in his home he shares with his new wife. And I have to say it's fine that way now. I admire that you are getting past your feelings about this…but I think, frankly, your feelings are quite justifiable. You made a huge sacrifice that I don’t think I could have made; not saying you are a martyr or a victim, but heavens! We tend to have such relationships with spaces. I was not permitted, for example, to even step through the threshold of my ex’s new space with his new woman, and though I had no relationship to the space as you did, it was like I might contaminate it with my mere presence. That sort of sucked.
Now we are both in new spaces. I sense ex’s discomfort when he is in my space, and I have yet to ever set foot in his home he shares with his new wife. And I have to say it’s fine that way now.

]]> By: Natalie http://www.thedhx.com/2007/11/09/boundaries/#comment-505 Natalie Wed, 02 Jan 2008 01:18:02 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/2007/11/09/boundaries/#comment-505 Reading this brings into focus how hard it was for me to establish boundaries with XH and his wife. When tempers calmed and the dust began to settle (the circumstances surrounding our divorce were not pleasant, to say the least), I struggled to find ways to make co-parenting work with XH and his wife. Things have leveled out for us quite a bit over the past few years and still are not what I think it ideal for the kids. But it is what it is and I'm working with it and doing my best to help the kids deal/live with it. I enjoyed reading this post. Thanks for the honesty about your feelings. Reading this brings into focus how hard it was for me to establish boundaries with XH and his wife. When tempers calmed and the dust began to settle (the circumstances surrounding our divorce were not pleasant, to say the least), I struggled to find ways to make co-parenting work with XH and his wife. Things have leveled out for us quite a bit over the past few years and still are not what I think it ideal for the kids. But it is what it is and I’m working with it and doing my best to help the kids deal/live with it.

I enjoyed reading this post. Thanks for the honesty about your feelings.

]]> By: cdp http://www.thedhx.com/2007/11/09/boundaries/#comment-93 cdp Mon, 12 Nov 2007 22:21:00 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/2007/11/09/boundaries/#comment-93 I had chills up my spine for every single moment I spent reading this post. The honesty was so beautiful. I'm the new woman in the house. Just the girlfriend, not a stepmom (yet?) but every single one of the words you wrote here rang so incredibly true with me. Thank you for this post. And for this blog. Both are amazing. I had chills up my spine for every single moment I spent reading this post. The honesty was so beautiful.

I’m the new woman in the house. Just the girlfriend, not a stepmom (yet?) but every single one of the words you wrote here rang so incredibly true with me.

Thank you for this post. And for this blog. Both are amazing.

]]> By: Jill http://www.thedhx.com/2007/11/09/boundaries/#comment-87 Jill Sun, 11 Nov 2007 14:45:56 +0000 http://www.thedhx.com/2007/11/09/boundaries/#comment-87 I did not know how you felt about the house until I read your draft of this post. Thanks for writing it. I did not know how you felt about the house until I read your draft of this post. Thanks for writing it.

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