That And Two Dimes: It’s Time To Get Over Ourselves
Nov 4th, 2007 by Jill
That And Two Dimes wrote a post recently that made me think in a new way about how the stepmom/stepkids relationship might feel sometimes from the kid’s perspective:
“…how did we ever forget what it feels like to be a child, to need to love our biological parents fiercely and unquestioningly, and how weird and scary it felt when someone tried to step into either of their shoes, even temporarily? How did we ever forget that one adult–that teacher, that relative, that babysitter–who took over and resented us, who didn’t understand our feelings, and who stridently mandated our respect and admiration? And most of all, how in the world did we forget how much worse it was when this person thought she was so smart, funny, pretty, hip, and perfect, that if we didn’t agree, there had to be something wrong with us? It makes my stomach hurt to think about it.” (more)
I love the kids like crazy and my perspective is that the kids’ biological mom and dad are the ones who set the parenting direction, make the final decisions and have the ultimate say in how the kids are raised. I try not take over and run rampant. But yeah, I do think I’m pretty funny and hip and I do want to be liked and appreciated. And I get my feelings hurt if I feel like that might not be happening on the kid front. The kids are empathetic, funny, warm, loving people. I figure when you live in close quarters with people — especially people who didn’t go out and pick you, and who don’t always want to eat their protein and clean their rooms, and who really, really, truly and seriously don’t think it’s funny when you car dance — it might happen that sometimes you don’t feel liked and appreciated. This reminded me to be extra sensitive to how they might be feeling and a little less — I guess the right word is needy.
Hi Guys,
I got your site of Bills blog and thought I’d pop on over. What a wonderful gift you are giving all of us in the same situation. I take my hat off to both of you for sharing your stories and I look forward to reading your journeys and hopefully in doing so work out mine. Might have a few questions for you both along the way.
Cheers Guys for being frank and honest.
Jo Hart
Oh… the car dance thing is great. I think I’m going to adopt it myself. The kids can go to therapy for a few extra years… it’d be worth it to have solidarity across both households! (I suspect, deep inside, perhaps only accessible via some psychopharmaceuticals and intervention therapy but nonetheless there… that they REALLY actually think it’s funny. Really. I think they fear that if they let their approval leak through on this one, that you’ll lose control and SERIOUSLY embarrass them. And, knowing you, and with all due respect… I see their point. :))
Hi Guys, I thought I left a message yesterday, but I stuffed up somewhere along the lines. I’m new to this blogging. I talk to Bill on Dying mans journal and I got your blog from there. Congratsulations to you both for having the courage to do this. I am a step mother myself and any advice is good advice. I don’t have a very co-operative “mother” to work with and I take my hat off to both of you. I will be a regular reader of your site and added you into my favourites. Thanks for your honesty on this one, you will help alot of families with your writings. Good on you both.
Cheers Jo Hart (Australia)
Hi Jo, it is nice to meet you. The first comment got caught in the spam filter for unknown reasons — I’ll have to keep a close eye on it. I’m glad you’re here!
First off, Jill, thank you for stopping by my Step-Family Journal. That is a very difficult project I am attempting to write. You would get a more entertaining read at my main blog LOL.
Second, I think it is great that you and the mom get along so well. Maybe in 10 years I can have that same kind of relationship with my step-kids’ mother… Doubt it, but one can hope.