I love this blog and really admire how you and Jill are sharing all of this in the hopes of improving other blended families!

That being said, I have a couple of thoughts. It seems like there’s much healing that needs to be done, for all of you. There’s lots of pain and anger and bitterness all around. I do understand that this is frequently the case (my parents were married 8 times between the two of them, so I’ve seen it first hand.) I also feel very blessed that Jill and I (now) get along so well. It wasn’t always the case, and I do agree with you that it could be the exception rather than the rule. But I don’t believe ithat greater harmony than what you’re describing is impossible. I really don’t.

You can’t change the past and you can’t change the relationship between your husband and his ex-wife. All you can do it work on yourself and your own healing and being the best person you can be for your step-daughter. Personally, I’m big into meditation these days, so that’d be my vehicle of choice. If that’s too woo-woo for you, I’d just suggest doing what you can to keep feelings of compassion and softness and empathy going, for all four of you.

Relationships are MESSY, that’s just the reality of it. And they also change over time. Take care of yourself, be kind and gentle with yourself, extend that to your husband and step-daughter, and my guess is that things will evolve to a different place as the bitterness works it way out of the system.

(Maybe she’ll get a boyfriend and get laid… that works too!)

I’m not proud of this fact, but I was the other woman for the last month of their marriage. I could give a list of excuses and the story behind it, but it makes no difference. The situation now is that four years have passed since then…bio-mom is still bitter and hates my guts (I understand that and think she has every right to feel that way). Things are very ugly between us. There is little to no communication between our houses…and the little communication there is tends to be cold and negative. My husband can’t even stand the sound of her voice and refuses to speak to her on the phone, much less in person, unless is absolutely necessary. She refuses to speak to me on any matter regarding her child.

All I want is to make things easier for my stepdaughter. She is so caught in the middle of this. While the idea of being friends with her mother turns my stomach, I would do it for my stepdaughter’s sake. It just seems like a lost cause given her mother’s feelings about me.

(Side note: we live 2,000 miles away because my husband is in the military, which makes it even easier to just write her off. We have a standard every-other-year holiday & summer visitation arrangement.)