Introductions
Oct 31st, 2007 by Kathy
Before I begin, I really need to confess something to you: I am secretly somewhat elated to learn that Barbara Kingsolver (my literary idol for many years) has gotten divorced. This is mean-spirited and small, but I’ve always related to her: a passionate writer who worked for years doing technical writing, eeking out her books in small niches of time until she became successful enough to make the leap into hyperspace and write full time. I always envisioned her (and me, her doppleganger wannabe) in her beautiful little house in Tuscon, her loving husband supporting her in all ways, and always (this is where my fantasy life kicked in because, I, too, wanted that husband… and to be that successful… and, OK… to be HER)… and now it seems she’s human too.
It’s a relief. It really is.
We’re all human. And of course I don’t want Barbara to be unhappy (now that she’s divorced, I feel I can call her that). I really don’t. But maybe she isn’t. I’m not (unhappy). I may feel at loose ends being in a world without a heterosexual pairing in my life. I may long for the sense of security and partnership I had during most of my marriage. But in so many ways I am so much richer and fuller now, without a partner, than I’ve ever been before, during or since my marriage… it’s hard to imagine what life would be like if I had stayed married.
Which is actually not true. It’s not that hard to imagine at all, because I have been watching someone else live in the life I left for about the last five years. Let me introduce to you my friend Jill. Jill is the person who married my ex-husband. She lives in the house I used to live in. She digs up my old garden. She feeds my children. She is inside my life in many ways that are uncomfortable. And she is also one of my dearest friends.
The relationship between mother and step mother is a rich, complex, confusing and largely unexplored one. I think most of the time we “bio-moms” want to just pretend the other woman is foolish and weak enough to fall for the ex’s tired old lines. We want to cluck in pity. Or we rage at the fact that he suddenly seems to have grown up enough to transcend his old shit and actually become a decent human being. The fear of our erosion of position in our kids’ lives is primal and intense. Someone else is living our lives, with our children, and with someone who used to love us. It’s unnerving and fraught.
Let me introduce to you my friend Jill. She is all the things I described above, and she is also a woman, a friend, a confidante, and a partner in crime. Like sisters, we did not choose each other. Like sisters, we will be in each others’ lives for many many years to come. Like sisters, we are intimate without volition. Like sisters, we have had to figure this thing out.
This blog is going to be where we share our strategies, our tips, tricks, favorite books and recipes, and other things that we think may be of interest to other women engaged in a similar dance. We are going to write in our own voice and share our own tales. We may not always agree. Hopefully you will find here a place to laugh, learn, and share your own stories with us as well.
There’s lots to say. We both have strong opinions and thoughts and very unique voices. We hope you find what we have to say gives you hope and insight.
In the mean time… what do you think the odds are that Barbara’s ex was able to transcend his old shit and become a decent human being?
